


Now and then

by Captainmintyfresh



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-02 23:26:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 82,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10230287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captainmintyfresh/pseuds/Captainmintyfresh
Summary: ''A little nonsense now and then is cherished by the wisest men'He'd thought he had already been floated. So when Bellamy watched people rush past Octavia, the first person to step on the ground in 100 years, he felt his breath catch when he spotted the familiar head of hair. He was taller now, sharper. All angles and points. Bellamy took a step forwards, ready to move over to him.To pull him into a hug, to introduce him to O like he'd always wished he could do. But then their eyes met, and Murphy turned away, leaving Bellamy like he once left him.He had a second chance, no more secrets behind them and a new world to take advantage of. If there was one thing Bellamy was sure of, it was that he wouldn't fail Murphy like he did on the ark.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this was a prompt by Murphamyandclexaforever and it was meant to be short but i got a bit carried away.  
> So here is the first chapter of a rewrite of season 1 of the 100 Murphamy style.

The first time Bellamy saw Murphy he was quite literally a snot nosed child. Bellamy was busy rushing along the halls, a basket of mended clothes in his hands as he delivered them from room to room when he spotted the kid. It was painfully obvious what was happening. Murphy was curled in on himself standing near the air. Sniffling and shaking his head, his face pale and clammy.

“I''m sorry, please, he's sick, I just wanted to help you have to understand. Please, he's the same age as your son you-” the boys cool eyes found Bellamy's from where he'd paused at the end of the hall. They were red rimmed. A woman crumpled on the floor near his feet sobbing as the man, Alex Murphy, was forced into the airlock the doors sealed behind him.

The kids eyes were glassy as he swayed on his feet looking ready to collapse. Bellamy grit his teeth at the muffled please coming from the man in the airlock. Murphy's eyes left him, turning back to Alex.

“Don't. Please.” He croaked, looking to chancellor Jaha with wide eyes. Jaha frowned, looking away, nodding towards the guard by the control's. Bellamy ducked his head, taking off down the hall before he could see the man be dragged out into space. Murphy's scream chased him, a gut wrenching cry that made Bellamy's skin crawl.

*

The next time Bellamy saw Murphy was months later, he was looking better, or at least, would be were he not panting harshly and sprinting across the bridge, pushing things and people, in his wake to try and stop the guards from catching up with him.

Bellamy had half a second to think before he was ducking back round the corner. Murphy turned round it and Bellamy quickly grabbed his arm, probably a it too hard, put one hand over his mouth to stop the scream and dragged him into the laundry room behind him, closing the door with his foot.

“Hide and be quiet.” Bellamy hissed into the boys ear. Murphy didn't need telling twice, crawling in between the machines and lodging himself in the small gap behind it while Bellamy poured half of the clean, folded washing out in his basket back into the machine and begun slowly picking it back up trying to fold it with shaking hands. It didn't take long before the door was opening. Bellamy turned to spot the guard, trying to keep any traces of guilt out of his face, something he was good at after almost nine years of having a secret sister.

“Blake, Did a boy come in here?” The guard snapped.

“Uh no? Should one have?” Bellamy asked innocently. The guards eyes narrowed on him for a few moments before he gave a small nod and left again. Bellamy continued his refolding, checking the door every few seconds as if the guard was about to burst back in. The boy seemed to think the same thing, staying hidden for a good ten minutes.

“You can come out now.” Bellamy said eventually, leaning back against the machine, he watched as Murphy slithered from his hiding place. He walked around the room slowly, like a caged animal, watching Bellamy unevenly. “I think here is where you say thank you.” Bellamy said.

“Thanks.” The boy said.

“I'm Bellamy.”

“John, John Murphy.” Murphy said, coming to a stop on the other side of the small room , shifting from foot to foot anxiously. His hand come to scrub beneath the tip of his nose.

“Why were they chasing you?” Bellamy asked.

“Dunno.” He replied, chewing his lip, looking anywhere but Bellamy.

“Well that's believable.” Bellamy murmured. “Here, put this on.” He grabbed a hoodie from the pile of clothes, chucking it at Murphy.

“Why?” Murphy asked.

“The guards'll still be looking for you. I'm guessing they didn't see your face but they did see your clothes. It'll be easier to get you past them.” Bellamy explained, Murphy shifted, twisting the hoodie in his hands before he pulled it on. It was too large on him, falling down to his thighs, the sleeves hanging right past his hands, but it wasn't unusual for the people in farm station to be wearing ill fitting clothes.

“Where'd you live?”

“Other side of farm station.” Murphy said.

“Alright, come on. I'll walk you back.”

“Why?”

“That's my favourite top. I'd quite like to have it back at some point.” Bellamy said, it seemed to be the right answer, Murphy picked at the sleeves a few times before he nodded and let Bellamy lead him out of the laundry room.

Murphy was jumpy on the walk back, each guard they'd walk past he'd end up shifting closer. It definitely didn't help that most of the guards knew Bellamy through his mother, all of them noticing him with small nods, smiles or sneers, but it seemed Bellamy was right in that none of the guards chasing Murphy had seen his face as no one stopped them.

Eventually they made their way into the quieter residential halls and Murphy seemed to calm down.

“Why'd you help me?” Murphy asked.

“Seemed like the right thing to do. I'd want someone to help me if I were in that situation.” Bellamy said, giving a small shrug. The two fell into silence again, the soft patting of their feet on the metal floors the only sound. Bellamy hoisted the laundry basket up on his hip.

“I stole some food.” Murphy admitted, after checking their were no guards in sight. “Not a lot, but I was hungry.” Murphy held out the pilfered food. It wasn't much at all, a few stale looking slices of bread. He held it close, lie he was expecting Bellamy to snatch it out of his hands.

“I've been there.” Bellamy said with a gentle smile. “There's a woman, Roscoe, she hands out scraps to the kids who need it. Go to her next time, lot less dangerous. You'd get eaten alive in the skybox.” Bellamy said. The boy nodded his head, storing the information away. He took a small bite of his bread before shoving the rest back into his pocket. Chewing slowly as if trying to make it last as long as possible.

“Down here.” Murphy said, turning at the next corner. Bellamy traipsed after him. A few twists and turns later and they were there. Murphy pushing in the code to the door. It slid open with a few clicks.

He didn't say goodbye, didn't even look at Bellamy, just walked in, leaving the door open for Bellamy to follow. Bellamy did what was expected, taking a few steps into the room, the door slid closed behind him. The kid walked over to the small table, dropping the stolen bread onto it. He picked up a pack of cards, tapping it twice on the tale before shooting Bellamy a look over his shoulder.

“You want to play?” He could tell Murphy was trying to go for casual, to seem indifferent but the nerves were written all over his face. Bellamy thought of his mother and Octavia, no doubt expecting him home and opened his mouth to say he should go, his gut twisted in guilt as he saw the flicker of hope in the boys eyes and instead he found himself nodding.

“One game. I need to get home soon.” Bellamy said. Murphy's face lifted in a brilliant smile. Bellamy felt his own lips twitch in return as he dropped the washing basket to the floor and made his way to the table. “What games do you know?”

“Snap.” Murphy said seriously.

“Alright then.” Bellamy said ducking his head to hide the smile. He sat in the chair opposite Murphy, watching as he dealt out the deck with practised efficiency, Bellamy's cards gliding over to him in a small pile. “Know any other games?”

“I play go fish with myself sometimes but I'm not sure what the actual rules are.” Murphy mumbled, pale cheeks flushing a deep red.

“I'm pretty sure go fish isn't a one player game.”

“Yeah, well sometimes you've just gotta make do.” Murphy said, throwing the last card at Bellamy and moving to straighten his pile. With a frown. “You go first.”

Something that always shocked Bellamy was how intense snap got. He'd started, leaning back in his chair and by a few cards in he'd already moved to hunched over the table, eyes boring into the pile forming onto the table. He slammed his card down, their hands jerked back out ready to hit snap before they both realised that it was a 9 not a 6 and Murphy played his next card.

The game seemed to last forever, Bellamy's heart in his throat, hands shaking and mind racing as he would dive for the cards when he noticed it was snap. The back of his hand throbbed from the times Murphy had gotten there after him, slamming his palm into Bellamy's hand with a surprising strength. Bellamy was sure Murphy felt the same, judging by the patch of red skin forming on the back of his own hand.

They finally finished, Murphy slamming his hand onto the pile first leaving Bellamy with nothing. Bellamy was sure it hadn't been very fair, Murphy had ended up with his hand hovering a few centimetres from the cards but couldn't bring himself to complain. Murphy lent back in his chair, laughing with a manic smile. Pushing his long hair out of his eyes.

“You know crazy eights?” Bellamy asked, too wrapped up in the excitement still bubbling inside him to remember he had said one game only.

“No.”

“It's easy I'll teach you if you want?”

“Yeah. Yeah okay.” Murphy agreed, smile somehow widening.

Bellamy wasn't sure how long they played different games, each time they got bored of one Bellamy would remember another he'd played and introduce Murphy to it. They'd even played Go fish, although Murphy had lost and said it was more fun playing on his own making Bellamy snort out a laugh.

A cheeky smile crept onto Murphy's face when they fell into another small lull between games.

“You want to see a magic trick?” Murphy asked tentatively.

“You know magic tricks?”

“Just one. Stand up.” Bellamy did as he was told, moving to the centre of the room. Murphy waved the pack of cards around 'mystically' “Okay.” Murphy said after a moment. “It's called 52 card pick-up.”

“Wait no-” It was too late, Murphy launched the deck at Bellamy, it hit with a small bump before the neat pile fluttered out, spreading cards every direction. Murphy howled with laughter as Bellamy stood in the centre of the falling cards looking decidedly unimpressed. “I'm not picking them up.”

“But you touched them last.” Murphy said.

“They touched me, I didn't touch them.” Bellamy objected.

“Same thing.”

“No because technically you touched them last when you threw them.”

“Bellamy.” Murphy said, laughter wiped from his face in a split second. “You're my guest, it would be rude if you made a mess and didn't clean it up after yourself.” Bellamy nodded thoughtfully, crouching down, he scooped a few cards into his hands before beginning to Frisbee them at Murphy. They hit their target easily.

“You can pick those up, since you touched them last.” Bellamy said, grabbing more cards to fling.

“Oh is that how it is?”

“That's how it is.” Bellamy said. Fully expecting it when Murphy scooped up a pile of cards and started throwing them back at him.

He was pretty sure that at 15 years old he shouldn't be having so much fun having a card fight with a random child but, as he ducked behind one side of the table, Murphy camped out behind the other, cards in hand, ready to fling them the second Murphy pocked his head out he realised he really was having a lot of fun. The two shouting out war cries as they flung their cards into the others face. Bellamy was a far better aim, getting Murphy more often, but when Murphy did manage to hit Bellamy they stung like a bitch, he wouldn't be surprised if he left with a facefull of paper cuts.

The two froze as the door creaked open, turning round slowly. Bellamy smiled awkwardly at the unimpressed woman standing in the doorway looking at them with a raised eyebrow. Bellamy stood up slowly. Looking over to Murphy still crouched nervously behind the table, cards bending in his grip. Bellamy gave him a small smile before he marched over to the woman just as she shut the door behind her. He held out a hand, a charming smile slipping onto his face.

“Hi, I'm Bellamy, sorry to have made such a mess. We'll clean it up.” The woman took his hand gingerly.

“Mrs Murphy.” She said. “John, help him clean it up and then see your friend out.” Bellamy shifted awkwardly, turning back and quickly grabbing the cards. Murphy crouched down next to him creating his own pile of cards.

“Sorry.” Murphy breathed before he was darting off to pick up the cards out of reach.

In no time at all the cards were back in a neat, if you ignored the fact most of them were now bent, pile. Mrs Murphy still stood watching them. Bellamy hovered for a moment before he grabbed his basket.

“Nice to meet you Mrs Murphy.” Bellamy tried, the woman gave a false smile and Murphy practically shoved him out the door.

“Thanks for everything.” Murphy said quickly before slamming the door in Bellamy's face before he could get out as much as a bye.

He stood for a few seconds, staring at the door, a little bit shell shocked, before he hoisted the basket up again and begun walking. He arrived home to a series of questions about where he'd been and a small lecture for leaving Octavia alone for so long, even though he'd known that his mother would be there with her, if he didn't he would have just waited to do the washing until she got home. He realised when he was laying in his bed that night that he'd forgotten to get the hoodie back off of Murphy.

*

It took Bellamy two days before he was standing outside what he really hoped was Murphy's door. The problem on the ark, was that all the room looked the same from the outside. So unless you were in a few very select locations on the lower stations finding the right door when you hadn't been somewhere before, or at least not many times, was really a process of hoping for the best.

Bellamy knocked on the door, jiggling from foot to foot. Eyes sweeping up and down the corridor as if someone were about to pop up and laugh at him for getting the wrong door. It was almost a full minute before the door swung open revealing Mrs Murphy. Her eyes red rimmed, they ran over him, lips thinning as if he were death knocking at the door not a 15 year old boy.

“Hi, Mrs Murphy.” Bellamy said politely. “Sorry for turning up unannounced but I lent John a top. I just wanted to get it back.”

“John's not here.”

“Do you know when he'll be back?”

“No.” She looked behind her, back into the room before she sighed. “Would you like to wait?”

“Um. Yes? If that's okay.” Mrs Murphy nodded, holding the door wider so Bellamy could step in.

“I'll be back tonight, don't be here.” With that she swept out the room, closing the door behind her leaving Bellamy blinking at it in confusion. He waited, as if she were about to pop back in with a laugh and explain she was joking but she didn't. After a few minutes of hovering in the middle of the room he made his way over to the table. Sitting at the chair he used last time, foot tapping against the floor eyes firmly on the door.

It seemed to take forever for the door to open again. Murphy walked in, wrapped in Bellamy's large hoodie. He froze in the door way, blinking at Bellamy.

“What-”

“Your mum let me in.” Bellamy explained quickly. “She said I could wait before she went out.”

“You came back? Why?” Murphy asked. Bellamy could see the sleeves curl as Murphy's fingers wiggled beneath them. His eyes were shining with hope again, like they had when he'd asked Bellamy to play cards and Bellamy realised with a jolt that the kid was hoping he just wanted to hang out again.

“Was wondering if you wanted to watch a film.” Bellamy lied. He could get the hoodie after. “They have a movie theatre up on go-sci.”

“You have to pay to get in.” Murphy said, shrinking in on himself

“Mum does some work for the woman who takes payment. If we ask nicely she might let us in for free.”

“Might?” Murphy asked.

“You want to or not?”

“Yeah. Yeah I want to.” Murphy said, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Now?” Bellamy checked his watch and shook his head.

“Doesn't start for a bit...We could play a game of snap? If you want?” Murphy was over at the table before Bellamy had finished talking. Scooping the pack of bent cards out of his pocket and slamming them onto the table.

“You deal.”

*

After a few intense games of snap the two made their way through the halls of the ark to the go sci station and the small cinema they had. He made Murphy wait to the side while he batted his eyelashes and bartered with the woman. Her eyes slid over to Murphy, hovering in the corner before she sighed.

“I'm pretty sure he's too young to even come in. How old is he?” Margaret said

“Uh.” Bellamy looked to Murphy, sizing him up. He looked about the same age as Octavia.

“You don't know?” She asked, lips tilting in a smile. “Some friend you are. Hey, kid, how old are you?”

“Me?”

“Yes.” Margaret said slowly. Murphy looked to Bellamy before he was inching towards them, hands fisted in the long sleeves.

“13.”

“Really?” She questioned, smiling condescendingly down at Murphy. Murphy shifted under her gaze. Eyes flickering to a poster on the wall before he sighed.

“No but I'm almost 13.” Murphy admitted.

“How almost?”

“Nine months.” Murphy said, puffing out his small chest. Bellamy had a moment to muse that that wasn't almost at all before the woman was asking another question.

“When's your birthday?” Murphy rattled it off easily. The woman took a moment, counting in her head before she eyed him.

“You're small.”

“Yes. I get that a lot.” Murphy said stiffly. “My mum said my dad was a small kid too.” Bellamy looked between the two as Murphy tilted his chin up defiantly while the woman eyed him suspiciously.

“Why'd you say you were 13?”

“The sign said I have to be 13. but since I'm almost 13 can we still watch it?” Murphy implored.

“The sign says it's showing for 13 days.” Margaret said.

“Oh.” Murphy said, cheeks flushing, eyes flicking over to the sign on the wall.

“Go on then. Just this once, you talk too much I'm kicking you out and you don't tell anyone I let you in.”

“Thank you. Come on.” Bellamy grabbed Murphy's sleeve dragging him into the room. He found two free seats and plunked them down. “I'm surprised she believed you about being 12.” Bellamy murmured.

“Why? I _am_ 12.” Murphy said scandalised.

“Because you look nine and that's pushing it.”

“Well how old are you?”

“how old do you think I am?”

“At least 20.”

“What?” Bellamy asked with a bark of laughter.

“I mean, look at all those wrinkles.” Murphy said, poking near Bellamy's eyes.

“I do not have wrinkles.” Bellamy protested, slapping Murphy's hand away and rubbing around his eyes, feeling for the non existent wrinkles. “I'm fifteen you moron. Now how old are you, really?”

“Twelve.” Murphy said. “almost thirteen.”

“Nine months isn't almost.” Bellamy snorted. “You know what, fine, I believe you, you're twelve but you should know this film is suitable for those twelve and up so if you are lying then you'll only have yourself to blame when you're mentally scarred by it.”

“If anything was going to mentally scar me it'd be watching my father get floated, but sure, you're right, a film about a family of animated yellow people is definitely too much to show a delicate little child. Should we leave before I'm forced into a life of nightmares?” Bellamy wasn't sure whether he should be laughing or apologise so instead he stayed quiet. Shifting in the seat as Murphy's lips quirked up in a smile. “well, that shut you up.”

“You're a bit of an asshole.”

“That's not a nice thing to say now is it?” Murphy mused.

“Be quiet the films starting.” Murphy did as he was told. Squirming further down in the seat, tucking his face half into the hoodie, pale eyes glued to the screen.

When the film finished they left with grins on their faces. Scurrying back through the halls, repeating lines they'd found funny. Bellamy had worried they were going to get kicked out with how loud Murphy was laughing when homer fell off the roof.

They stopped at the cafeteria, collecting their rations. Bellamy ignored how Murphy shoved half of his in his pocket, presumably for later, and Murphy ignored it when Bellamy did the same so he could give Octavia some of it later.

“I should head home.” Bellamy said as they left the cafeteria. Murphy nodded, pulling at the hoodie he was wearing, arms slipping further up the sleeves as he begun to climb out of it. “Leave it.” Bellamy said. “It's cold, you can give it back next time.”

“Next time?” Murphy asked, stilling in his movements, looking ridiculous with his arms tucked inside the jumper, sleeves hanging uselessly by his side. Bellamy licked his lips, eyes running over the small boy before he nodded.

“Yeah. Unless you're bored of me?”

“No. Next time sounds good. Thanks, for the film and stuff.” Murphy said, practically vibrating with excitement. Bellamy couldn't help but grin. It could be nice, having someone to talk to that wasn't O or his mother.

“No problem, I'll see you round John.”

“I'm free Thursday.” Murphy yelped, as Bellamy turned to walk down the hall. “I can have this washed and give it back to you and we could do something else. My mums friend said he'd teach me poker so we could try that.”

“Thursday sounds good.” Bellamy said, giving the boy a small smile before he was jogging of down the hall.

 

 


	2. Really hope i can rename this later

 After classes on Thursday Bellamy had spent an hour running errands for his mother and then another hour and a half playing with Octavia before he was finally managing to slip away to Murphy's room.

He knocked on the door gently, waiting a few moments before it was pulled open.

“Mrs Murphy.” Bellamy said with a forced smile. “John-”

“In the bedroom.” She said, wandering back over to the table, falling into a seat next to a few other people, a bottle of opened alcohol sat in the middle of the table, the smell wafting through the small room. Bellamy gave an awkward wave to Mrs Murphy's friends before he shut the door behind him and did a strange half jog across the room and ducked into the small bedroom.

It was obvious that Murphy hadn't heard him come in. The kid was lying on the bed, hoodie folded neatly next to him. His eyes shut tightly as he tapped the back of a card against his head, lips pursed in a frown.

“Queen.” Murphy said quietly, he flipped the card over and groaned, throwing it off the edge of the bed and grabbing a new one from the deck, he slapped it against his head and repeated the process, getting it wrong once again. Bellamy stood for a few moments, watching as Murphy entertained himself, the pile of cards of the floor slowly growing.

“Having fun?” Bellamy asked. Murphy yelped, throwing his legs over the edge of the bed and sitting up to look at Bellamy with wide eyes.

“Bellamy. You're here.” Murphy squawked.

“I am, but if you're busy I can go.” Bellamy said, smirking at the younger boy. Murphy's cheeks flushed a rosy red. “Sorry I'm late. Mom had me doing some stuff for her.” Bellamy explained.

“It's not like we set a time.” Murphy said with a small shrug. “So, you're here to..hang out?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool. Okay..Cool.” Murphy said, nodding enthusiastically, a nervous smile stretching across his face. They fell into a somewhat uncomfortable lull where neither seemed to know what to do.

“So, you said you were learning poker?” Bellamy prompted after a few moments, Murphy nodded again.

“Yeah. Pick up the cards. I'll teach you.” Murphy ordered, straightening out the quilt on the bed. Bellamy did as he was told, scooping up the cards and handing them to Murphy so he could deal. He sat on the other side of the bed, facing Murphy as he put the cards between them methodically. Mind visibly working as he tried to remember the game. “So, we didn't have a full lesson.” Murphy admitted. “but I remember the basics I think.”

Bellamy let Murphy attempt to tutor him in the art of Poker playing but it became obvious fairly quickly that Murphy didn't in fact remember the basics.

“and then you..wait no...give me a minute.” Murphy said, throwing his cards onto the bed and crawling off. Bellamy listened to the rumble of voices from the next room as Murphy spoke to the adults before he was coming back in.

“Dexter said he' plays and can teach us, if you want.” Murphy offered.

And so Bellamy found himself sitting at a table with three increasingly drunk adults as one of them attempted to lead them in a game of poker. The man, Dexter, was patient with him and Murphy. Explaining the rules and the hands to them. Bellamy picked it up first but Murphy was hands down the better player of the two.

“It's always better if you bet on it.” Sarah said.

“We can't bet against kids Sars” Dexter said with a laugh.

“We won't bet much.” She said. “How about rations?”

“I'm not betting my food.” Bellamy said swiftly.

“Johnny boy, what about you?” Sarah asked, leaning across the table with a sickening grin. Murphy shifted in his chair.

“I'm good.”

“Come on, don't be a wimp.” Sarah said with a laugh. Murphy's face darkened, his jaw clenching.

“I said I'm good.” Murphy sneered. “You want to take a kids rations find someone else. I'm not an idiot.” They all pretended they didn't hear Mrs Murphy's snort of laughter at that and Dexter laid out the next hand.

Bellamy really wished that Murphy had bet with Sarah a few rounds later when he realised Murphy had the poker face to kill all poker faces. Bellamy could never tell whether Murphy had a good hand or not. At times he would fold when Murphy 'bet' too high and left Bellamy sure he was going to win only for it to turn out he had truly awful cards that would never have beaten any of them only then the next round he would do the same thing and they wouldn't fall for it to realise that Murphy did in fact have a winning hand.

Once Murphy had thoroughly embarrassed the four of them the adults left to do god knows what.

“Do you have to go to?” Murphy asked, flicking card across the table. Bellamy shrugged.

“I can stay for a bit.”

“We could watch a film. I have a few.” Bellamy agreed and soon enough Murphy was setting up an old projector that looked like it was on it's last legs. “You can choose.” Bellamy looked through the films with a laugh.

“Do you have any that aren't martial arts?”

“No, my dad bought them, he liked Jackie Cchan.” Murphy said, Bellamy's mind flashed back to the man being pushed into the air lock and felt like he should have washed his hands before touching the small assortment of films.

“Well. What's your favourite?” Bellamy asked.

Murphy ended up putting on Shanghai noon, something Bellamy was thankful for when he ended the film with a giant smile and a childish urge to learn to fight like the man in the film. It was however, growing late, and Bellamy needed to get home and so he bid goodbye to Murphy.

“There's a sequel.” Murphy said, leaning on the door frame as Bellamy hovered in the corridor.

“Yeah?” Bellamy asked with a grin, Murphy nodded. “I'm free Saturday, I could come over for a few hours.”

“Sounds good. See you then.”

“Bye John.” Bellamy said with a grin, jogging back down the halls towards his own room.

*

It didn't take Bellamy long at all to realise that Murphy didn't have many friends, or any really, the same as Bellamy. It also didn't take long for him to realise that Murphy's mother was far more interested in the bottle than she was in her own son. The few times they were around at the same time left Bellamy trying to hold back a sneer.

They kept meeting, whenever they could. Sometimes doing no more than sitting in Murphy's room playing cards other times Bellamy was running around frantically after a cackling Murphy as they did something that, although wasn't technically a crime, was definitely frowned upon.

He knew he shouldn't be even toeing that line. But, it was fun, and they never did anything that could _really_ get them into trouble. Just a slap on the wrists and stern glares. It definitely helped that not only would it put a smile on their faces, but also on Octavia's, when he'd tell her the stories in hushed tones late at night. She'd come up with new card games when she was left alone and teach them to Bellamy so he could teach them to Murphy. They were two player games but she assured him that they could also work with three. For if he was ever allowed to come round.

And Bellamy knew he wasn't, that he would never be able to step foot in their home but he couldn't quite bring himself to tell her that and as time wore on he also didn't want to believe it himself.

He wasn't quite sure when his favourite hoodie became their favourite hoodie, passing between them like a hot potato but he found he didn't mind. It made Murphy easier to see when he was wandering the halls and Bellamy quite liked watching Murphy stumble along in the too big garment, the way the ends of the sleeves would swish around where his hands were curled deep within them.

Murphy's mother got use to Bellamy being in their room, behaving like he wasn't even there. Which generally meant her hiding away with a bottle, watching them with undiluted hated. At first Murphy would try to reach her, invite her to play cards with them but over the years he stopped. His face would harden when she walked into a room. Sometimes she wasn't content on hiding away and she'd come out only to berate the boy who just sat there and took it. Head turned towards the floor a small smile playing on his lips as if to say 'ah there it is' on those days it would be Bellamy who got them into somewhat stupid situations as a way to get Murphy out of the room.

He knew it happened when he wasn't there too, knew it went further by the bruises that occasionally dotted Murphy's skin but any time he'd try to bring it up Murphy would shut down. He'd answered once a simple 'and who do you think would care if I told them?' that left Bellamy gaping because, really, it was true, the kids from Factory station weren't important. Not really, a few kids getting hit around was nothing for anyone in power to worry about. They had bigger thing to deal with, they had their own kids within the privileged who's problems would always outweigh those of the lower class.

Bellamy gained a fairly extensive knowledge of Jackie Chan films, as did Octavia when Murphy let him borrow them. Octavia seemed far more interested in them than he did. Acting out the fight scenes and convincing Bellamy to be her practise dummy. He watched Murphy grow from supposed 11 year old to supposed 16 year old. Something Bellamy still didn't quite believe but it was easier to now that the hoodie had begun to fit him, Murphy's hands actually making it out of the sleeves. Bellamy still towered over him at 20 years old and the hoodie barely fit him any more. Straining across the muscles he'd gained from the beginning of training to be a guard. Something Murphy would laugh at whenever Bellamy turned up in his trainee uniform, and giggle about whenever they were sprinting away from a gaggle of guards, hiding their faces.

Bellamy lay on Murphy's cramped bunk, Murphy's legs thrown over his own. His head thumped back against the wall with a metallic thump as he watched Murphy pretend to be interested in his school work. He'd long since learnt Murphy hated schooling and although the kid could be surprisingly bright when it came to stupid scheme's he had trouble with the written word.

“You need any help?” Bellamy asked.

“No.” Murphy mumbled, rubbing at his nose as he frowned at the books. “Alright I'm done.” Murphy decided, throwing them onto the floor with a clank. “You wanna watch a film?”

“Nah, Margaret doesn't react to my puppy dog eyes the way she use to. I think it's because I don't mend her clothes any more.”

“I could try. Give her a flash of the old blues.” Murphy offered, fluttering his eyes lashes heavily. Bellamy was sure he was going for cute but it just looked like he'd gotten something in his eye.

“Something tells me that won't work.” Bellamy snorted.

“I'm bored. Let's do something.” Murphy whined petulantly

“Your school work sounds like a good idea.”

“Please, I don't need good grades to get on the guard with you.”

“You want to join the guard?” Bellamy asked, mouth falling open in shock. Murphy snorted.

“No, just wanted to see your face.”

“You're a dick.” Bellamy said, thrusting a leg up . Murphy's legs gave a wobble before he shoved them back down harder, trapping Bellamy's legs beneath him. “I heard they're playing some football games in the rec room. We could go to that.”

“Go watch dudes who've been dead for 100 years kick around a ball. How fun.” Murphy grumbled.

“You know most people live for the games.” Bellamy said with a grin.

“Most people are stupid. We could cut the power to the rec room at a pivotal moment and watch them all loose their shit.” Murphy suggested.

“Pretty sure you shouldn't suggest crime to a guard in training.”

“Pretty sure you chose the lamest job ever.”

“Oh yeah, and what exciting thing are you going to do for a living?” Bellamy asked, poking Murphy in the side.

“Chancellor. Then I can finally float Jaha.” Murphy said, slapping Bellamy's hand away.

“Chancellor?” Bellamy chortled. “You have a better chance of going to earth. Seriously, what do you want to do?” Murphy's smile faded, he shifted, giving a shrug.

“I'm probably going to end up getting floated. I just want to have some fun before that happens.” Murphy admitted. Bellamy felt his heart clench, fingers twitching at his side as if he were about to launch at Murphy, clutch the boy to his chest and protect him from the world.

“You won't get floated.” Bellamy said resolutely. He wouldn't let it happen.

“Every teacher I've ever had would beg to differ.” Murphy said with a tired smile.

“Well I have two years to become chief guard. Then I can make sure that never happens.”

“Chief guard doesn't get to choose who gets floated. The chancellor has the final say.” Murphy said, face twisting unpleasantly at the thought of Jaha.

“Well, then I'll become chancellor.” Bellamy said. Murphy raised an eyebrow.

“You have about as much chance at doing that as I do.”

“I''d say it's far more likely. I'm not a delinquent.”

“Every guard who's chased us through the halls would beg to differ.”

“Yes but they don't know it's me so-” Bellamy let the sentence hang, grinning at Murphy who rolled his eyes.

“Alright then, Chancellor Blake-”

“hmm I like the sound of that.” Bellamy dodged the pillow that Murphy launched at him with a laugh.

“What would you do? What rules would you change?” Murphy asked.

“Well for one, I'd make the movie theatre free.” Bellamy said. “I'd definitely get this little shit I know called John Murphy arrested, just for fun.” Bellamy dodged another pillow. “I'd make it law that everybody called John Murphy has to call me King Bellamy.” Murphy snorted out a laugh, shaking his head, fingers carding through his shaggy hair. Bellamy could tell he was trying to look annoyed, his lips dancing in between a laugh and a put on frown that didn't want to stick.

“Seriously, what would you do?” Murphy said after a moment.

“I'd make everyone be on the same standing. We all get the same chances, no more of the Alpha station getting the best jobs crap. I'd do real trials for floating, it's not fair that murderers get the same treatment as people like your father...I'd let people have more than one kid.”

“You hoping to have a big family?”

“I want an army of children one day.” Bellamy said with a grin. “All on the guard, making sure you don't get into trouble. A kid at every corner. Everywhere you look there will be a Blake. ”

“God help us all.” Murphy sighed.

“Hey, don't insult your future chancellor.”

“Sorry.”

“You mean Sorry my lord.” Bellamy corrected.

“In your dreams.” Murphy snorted.

The two fell into a comfortable silence for a few minutes before Murphy crawled off the bed. He came back a moment later with the well worn pack of cards and flopped down, half on top of Bellamy making him exhale sharply as a sharp elbow dug into his side.

“Wanna see a magic trick?”

“If it's 52 card pick up no.” Bellamy said instantly. Murphy rolled his eyes again, shifting around until he was rested on his elbows, hanging over Bellamy. He pulled the cards out of their pack, shuffling them.

“Of course it's not.”

“Fine then.”

“Okay, pick a card, any card.” Murphy fanned out the deck towards Bellamy. He took one slowly. “Now look at it, memorise it, show the audience but don't let me see.” Bellamy rolled his eyes. “Then put it back in the pack, anywhere you want. I'll even look away.” Murphy looked away, closing his eyes tightly. Bellamy checked his card, the 7 of hearts before sliding it back into the pile. Murphy turned back to him and started shuffling again.

“Okay now I want you to think of your card, really think of it. Picture it in your mind, imagine it. Love it, worship it-”

“John get on with it.” Bellamy laughed.

“Spoilt sport. Okay.” Murphy threw the cards up suddenly, they hit the fame of the bunk bed with a dull thud before they fanned out and begun to rain down on the two of them.

“You said it wasn't 52 card pick-up!” Bellamy groaned.

“Bellamy, you've known me for how long? have I ever showed an actual interest in magic tricks?”

“I don't know, you're quite adept at magically acting like a dick so-” Bellamy laughed as Murphy let his weight drop, flopping against Bellamy's chest forcing the air rush out of Bellamy's lungs.

“Ow.” Bellamy mumbled.

“Baby.” Murphy admonished, head tipping against Bellamy's collar. Despite his earlier claims about being bored Murphy seemed more than happy to do nothing after that, fingers twirling one of the scattered cards, breath puffing across Bellamy's chest gentle as Bellamy's fingers carder through his air. Bellamy let his eyes slip closed, content to just let himself fall asleep. It wouldn't be the first nap they'd taken. Nor would it be the first time that it had started by Murphy throwing a deck of cards all over Bellamy. Just as Bellamy was starting to feel sleep claim him Murphy spoke again.“So..Unity days coming up.” He said slowly, like he was having to fight the words out of his mouth.

“Is it really.” Bellamy said dryly. Murphy slapped his chest weakly.

“I was thinking of going this year.” He paused, Bellamy felt him let out a shaky breath. “You want to go with me? To the party?”

“You asking me on a date John?” Bellamy said, looking up to the frame of the bunk with a grin. Murphy stiffened for a moment before he could practically hear Murphy's eyes rolling.

“You wish.” The boy grumbled.

“I thought you hated the unity day festivities.”

“I hate Jaha's speeches and generally seeing him, but this guy from class said Jaha doesn't even come to the party we're allowed into. So I dunno, could be fun.”

“Hanging around with a bunch of teenagers isn't exactly how I like to spend my time.”

“You spend 90% of your time with me, a teenager. If you don't want to then whatever, just thought it might be something different.” Murphy grumbled, the bed shifted as he shifted off of Bellamy leaving Bellamy's arm flopping back down to the bed. Murphy didn't move far, only rolled off of him, His head hitting Bellamy's bicep with a hard thump as he laid down, copying Bellamy's position of staring at the top of the bunk, His hand came up, rubbing at his nose.

“Do I have to dress up?” Bellamy asked.

“I mean, I think it's just masquerade but you could wear your guard uniform and scare everyone if you wanted.” Murphy said.

“Tempting.” Bellamy hummed. He thought of Octavia “I'm not sure if I can though. I just usually spend unity day with my family.”

“Alright.”

“I can see if I can make it for an hour or so?” Bellamy suggested.

“Don't bother.” Murphy said, shifting again, this time fully off of the bed. “I'll go stag. Come on, pick up the cards then lets go do something.”

*

“Who was that?” Bellamy hadn't been spying on him per say, just, he'd been walking back from guard training and spotted Murphy on the bridge talking to a young girl with mousey brown hair. It's true, he could have went to say hello, asked the girl herself who she was but instead he'd found himself ducking out of view and watching with keen eyes as the girl chatted animatedly to a fairly lost looking Murphy who seemed to be mainly gaping like a fish and rubbing his nose nervously. When the girl had left a bright red Murphy with a quick peck on the cheek Bellamy had all but sprinted over and blurted out the question before Murphy had even noticed he was there.

“My date to the unity day masquerade.” Murphy said, with a waggle of his eyebrows that looked half hearted at best.

“You have a date?”

“I do.” Murphy said, looking about as confused as Bellamy felt.

“I didn't know you liked anyone.” Bellamy said, eyeing the back of the girl as she disappeared round the corner with a suspicious frown.

“I don't like her.” Murphy grumbled, in a way that made Bellamy feel sure he was missing something.

“Then why are you going on a date with her?”

“She asked. I said yes.”

“But-”

“She's cute.” Murphy said with a shrug. “It'll be fun.”

“Tell me about her.”

“Names Roma. She's cool, I guess. Haven't really talked to her.”

“And yet she asked you on a date.”

“Apparently my charm doesn't need words to work.” Murphy said, walking off leaving Bellamy following after him, thoughts of returning home lost.

“You have no charm.” Bellamy grumbled. “I didn't even know you knew what dating was. Anytime I mention it you just cringe.”

“You're very detailed.” Murphy said with a grimace.

“Detailed? What details have I ever given you, I don't kiss and tell.”

“No, you shag and brag. And of course I know what dating is. I just..haven't done it.”

“Why is that?” Bellamy asked curious, it had been something he'd been thinking about for a while. At 16 he was sure Murphy would have been interested in someone but he'd never heard about it, apart from one instance where a girl had kissed him but that ended in her crying and Bellamy almost throwing up he was laughing so hard. Murphy gave a shrug to his question.

“I liked people for their personalities. Can't say I've met many people who've caught my interest.”

“But you have met some?”

“One or two.” Murphy said slowly. “I have to go. I'll see you later.”

“Alright bye.” Murphy was gone before Bellamy could finish saying goodbye. He huffed, sticking his hands into his pockets and making his way back down the corridor he just came through wondering if Shumway would let him go through the arker files to find this Roma girl that was apparently going to be Murphy's first date.

*

“And then the girl threw a-”

“Bellamy, I need your help.” Bellamy turned at the familiar voice, cutting of his fellow guards words. His eyes widened as he spotted a bloody Murphy storming towards.

“John? What happened, are you-”

“Some kid in class, I'm fine but I need to get him back so teach me to fight.”

“Who was it?” Bellamy growled.

“Doesn't matter. Come on Bellamy, you did that guard training crap right? You learnt how to take people down, show me.”

“I don't think he should be teaching you to attack people.” The guard next to Bellamy said.

“It's self defence.” Murphy lied, badly. “Come round tonight?”

“I..Yeah, alright.” Bellamy decided. “You know I'm going to find out who did that right?”

“Sure.” Murphy snorted, leaving with a salute that left Bellamy rolling his eyes fondly. He turned back to the guard keeping watch next to him.

“You were saying?”

“You close with that kid? I hear he's trouble.”

“He's a pain in the ass.” Bellamy said. “So what did the girl throw?” The guard frowned at where Murphy had disappeared too for a few moments before turning back to Bellamy and continuing with his story of a 'daring' arrest.

 

*

Two hours later and Bellamy was in Murphy's quarters eyeing the younger boy with interest. Trying to size up him and figure out what would work best when teaching him.

“Alright, well, you're short.” Bellamy said.

“You're a dick.”

“and skinny.” Bellamy added.

“Why did I ask you to do this?”

“So I'll teach you what I'd teach a girl.”

“I'm going to kill you.”

“Not with those arms.” Bellamy said, dodging the punch Murphy threw at him with a bright laugh.

It turned out although Murphy wasn't all too great at actually throwing a punch he was fantastic at tackling. Something Bellamy hadn't even been trying to teach him, but by the 10th time Bellamy easily batted him to the floor Murphy had stood up and ran at him, getting him to the floor with a strength Bellamy really didn't realise he had leaving him teary eyed and gasping for breath. He was suddenly ridiculously relieved that Octavia had stopped asking him to act out scenes from the films they watched as if Murphy could knock the breath out of him he was sure given her new found height Octavia could kill him.

“Winded?” Murphy asked, a smile on his face as he sat on Bellamy's chest, Bellamy gave a nod, finally drawing in a shaky breath.

“If you do that then punch the crap out of them you should be good.” Bellamy said.

“Should you really be telling me to punch the crap out of people officer Blake?” His eyes fell to Murphy's bruise, a frown forming on his face. Fingers reaching up to brush gentle against It.

“Yes. If they hurt you its only fair you hurt them.” Bellamy murmured, anger seeping through him. His finger trailed down, catching against Murphy's split lip. “Who-”

Murphy was off of him in a split second, Bellamy's hand hanging uselessly in the air. He looked to Murphy hovering in the corner of the room, cheeks flushed red.

“I'm bored.” Murphy yelped. “Lets do something else.” Bellamy opened his mouth, ready to ask what the hell happened before he noticed the discomfort on Murphy's face and gave a small nod.

“Yeah, okay.” Bellamy said, pushing himself back up, spine aching from the hard crash into the floor. Trying to push the weird behaviour out of his mind. “Film?”

“Thought you couldn't work your charm on Margaret any more.”

“I can't but here daughters working. Pretty sure I could charm her into a free ticket.” Bellamy said arrogantly. Murphy scoffed. “hey! I'm plenty charming, might even score a date out of it.”

“Whatever.” Murphy grumbled, throwing himself down onto the bed. “Doesn't matter, I can't tonight.”

“Why not?”

“Unity day celebrations.”

“Yeah, in like...five hours. The film would start in just over an hour so-”

“I need to get ready.”

“You need five hours? How much make-up do you wear exactly?”

“Go float yourself.” Murphy said, sticking his middle finger up. “Thanks for-” he waved a hand around the room, Bellamy guessed he was referring to the minimal training they'd done.

“Your dates tonight right?” Bellamy asked, moving to sit down next to Murphy who sighed.

“I'm back to going stag actually.” Murphy said.

“What happened?” Bellamy nudged Murphy with his knee. His cool eyes catching Bellamy's before he let out another sigh, his finger came up, nudging at his split lip, eyes dancing away.

“Her boyfriend.”

“Is he the one who did this?”

“They broke up last week. He found out I was taking her today and fought me for her honour or some shit. Apparently sucker punching me is romantic because she's going with him now.” Murphy explained.

“Did you ask me to teach you this so you could beat him up and get her back?”

“No.” Murphy said with an amused tilt to his lips. “I was only going with her because she asked me.”

“Then why learn?”

“Just wanted to blow of a little steam.” Bellamy's fingers found Murphy's head, carding through his hair slowly, frowning at the bruise on his face. “If I eve do fight him can I borrow your shock baton?”

“No chance in hell.” Bellamy said with a laugh. “But trust me, you tackle him like you did to me you'll shock him enough to land a good amount of punches.” Murphy slapped Bellamy's hand away suddenly, sitting up on the bed, almost hitting his head against the frame. “I gotta get ready.”

“Yeah..Alright.” Bellamy sighed, letting his hand drop back to the bed. He stood slowly, walking towards the door. Murphy didn't move to walk him out, just stayed perched on the edge of the bed, watching him from beneath his eyelashes. “I'll see you tomorrow?” Murphy's jaw clenched and he nodded, giving a stiff wave.

*

“You want to go to the party?” Aurora asked disbelievingly. Bellamy shifted beneath her gaze.

“Just for a few hours.” He added hopefully. He knew he shouldn't be even asking, but, well, Murphy's date had bailed on him, he got the shit kicked out of him and he was acting even weirder than usual lately. He couldn't cheer Octavia up at the moment, but maybe he could cheer up Murphy.

“What about Octavia?”

“Mom come on. I'll be gone an hour, you can stay until then and-”

“I have to go out.” Aurora interrupted. “I'm sorry Bell. Maybe next year, then you can come to the adults party with me.” Bellamy grit his teeth ready to come back with a rebuttal when he saw Octavia looking between them. The fight left him, leaving him giving a stiff nod.

“Yeah alright.” Bellamy said. “You should go, you don't want to be late.”

“Will you two be okay?”

“Of course. We'll find something to do. Right O?”

“Right.” Octavia said with a small nod. The two waved goodbye to Aurora as she ducked out of the room. Bellamy dropped his mask onto the table, looking to Octavia with a smile.

“So, what do you want to do?”

“Don't know.” Octavia said, moving to sit at the table, drumming her fingers against the metal with a sigh. Bellamy sighed, crouching next to her.

“You okay O?” He asked, he knew she wasn't. Knew that as the years went on it got harder for her to find things to be excited about when she was stuck in the same four walls constantly. Having to hide under the floor for inspections, praying that no one ever even knew about her.

“Yeah.” Octavia said. Poking at Bellamy's mask, she paused, biting her lip before she was picking the mask up and holding it out to Bellamy. “You should go.”

“No.” Bellamy said instantly, pushing the mask down. “I'm good here with you.”

“Bell-”

“I want to be here with you.”

“John's going isn't he? That's why you finally want to go.”

“Yeah he's going but-”

“Go. Have fun with your friend. He's literally your only one you don't want to piss him off by not showing.”

“Language.” Bellamy scolded. Octavia raised an eyebrow, that he was pretty sure meant _bitch please_ “I'm happy here. I didn't even tell him I would go so it's not like he'd be disappointed.”

“Look, I may not be able to go and have a life but you can. So do, and then come back and tell me about it rather than me beating you at monopoly for the thousandth time.” Bellamy resisted the urge to point out that she always cheated. “Come on Bell, I'd much rather be alone for a few hours and then have you tell me what you got up to than have you braid my hair for the next five hours.”

“You love me braiding your hair.”

“You do it too often, I'm going bald.” Octavia mumbled, Bellamy batted at her long hair with a smirk.

“Yeah, totally bald.” He said dryly.

“Please go. Do something crazy and stupid and give me a great story.”

“So you can live vicariously through me?”

“Yes.”

“Alright, I'll go take some drugs.” Bellamy said dryly.

“Not that crazy.” Octavia laughed, slipping the mask over Bellamy's head. “I'm sure John will get you into something without any drug taking.”

“He does like to make life interesting doesn't he.”

“It's why we like him.” Octavia said with a tilt of her chin. “Now go play.”

“Are you sure you don't mind?”

“I really really don't mind, in fact, I'll be annoyed if you stay.”

“Thank you O.” Bellamy pressed a quick kiss to her forehead before he was jogging to the door, shooting a last grin over his shoulder as he went.

 


	3. Chet and Roomba

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @regeneratingDegenerate your move ;)

He made his way through the ark quickly, following the noise of the party. The room was fairly dark. Drinks sat around on table, people with masks danced across the floor to the thumping music. Everyone was smiling. Even the guards on duty, watching the kids with fond grins. He wished more than anything that Octavia could see it. He knew without a doubt she'd love it. He ached to take her. To watch her having real fun and dancing with all the other people her age.

Bellamy spotted a familiar hoodie through the crowd, eyes trailing up to the masked face. He snorted when he saw it was a red that matched their hoodie, with devil horns poking out of it. He moved through the crowd with a grin. Watching as Murphy eyed the other side of the room, leaning against a pillar, probably the only person in the room who wasn't smiling. Bellamy slid up next to him, dropping an arm around his shoulders, smirking as the kid jumped about a foot in the air.

“Fancy meeting you here.” He drawled.

“Bellamy?” Murphy gasped.

“The one and only.”

“Wow, you've just arrived and already I want you to leave.” Murphy said, a wide grin pulling at his lips, stretching the cut.

“Well, I can go if you want.” Bellamy said, turning around, he'd barely made it a step before Murphy was grabbing the edge of his shirt and hauling him back into place next to him.

“Don't leave me alone in this hell.” Murphy whisper shouted over the music.

“I guess I can stay for a few minutes.” Bellamy said, sighing as if put out by the notion. “Let's dance.”

“No.”

“It's a party John, you have to dance.”

“I don't-” Bellamy steered Murphy by his shoulders into the middle of the dance floor, ignoring the boys protests.

He found out after a few minutes of needling that Murphy did dance, just not particularly well. Bellamy wasn't sure what you could call it, perhaps sexy dad dancing. All the embarrassment and cheese of a parent while his hips swayed like an exotic dancer.

Once they got bored of dancing they somehow moved onto a game of hide and seek. Something Bellamy was sure people would say he was far too old to play but that didn't stop him from shrugging out of his jacket and trading masks with a random boy when it was Murphy's turn. They switched endlessly, pausing only for drinks occasionally and only stopping once a guard had grabbed them both by their collars and told them that if they didn't stop he'd make them leave after he caught Murphy attempting to scale the wall to hide amongst the rafters.

Bellamy leant against a pillar, Murphy leaning into his side as they laughed at the retreating guards back.

“See, I told you. Lamest job ever. You're in for a life of stopping games of hide and seek.”

“Well I'll take being a guard over being a janitor any day.” Bellamy said.

“You better hope I don't become a janitor. If I do I'll be throwing you out with the rest of the trash.”

“Your words wound me.” Bellamy said dryly.

“John!” Bellamy pulled his eyes away from Murphy to see the girl from a few days making her way over to them through the crowd carrying two drinks. “Hi.” Se said breathlessly, smiling nervous at Murphy and holding out the cups. “Peace offering? There's some moonshine in them.” Murphy took his, sniffing it before wincing at the harsh smell. “I saw you over here and thought I should say hey, and that I'm sorry, for cancelling. I didn't want to upset you or-”

“You really didn't.” Murphy said with a small laugh, shoving the other cup into Bellamy's hand.

“I was going to say it looked like you were having fun without me.”

“More fun than he would with you.” Bellamy said happily. “It's Roomba right?” Which, really was a petty and low blow but Bellamy had never claimed to be above such things.

“Roma.” She said stiffly, lips thinning. Bellamy shot her a false grin.

“Of course.”

“Ignore him.” Murphy grumbled. “Thanks for the drinks.”

“Roma, come on.” A boy said, appearing next to her and tugging on her wrist. “Leave these idiots and lets go dance.”

“What Chet means.” Roma said quickly. “Is he's sorry for overreacting and hitting you when he found out about us going to the dance.”

“Yes I can tell he's filled with overwhelming guilt.” Bellamy said, glaring down at the shorter boy.

“How's your face John?”

“Still prettied than yours.” Murphy said, tipping his cup up in a salute. Bellamy threw his head back laughing at the shocked look on Chet's face and was happy to see Roma hiding her laugh behind her hand.

“Do you two want to join us?”

“They'll pass. Come on.” Chet snapped, dragging her off, she cast a glance at them over her shoulder, shrugging and smiling at them gentle before she disappeared amongst the crowd.

“Alright, Drink up and let's dance.” Murphy said. “I want to show you my opening the door move.”

“I don't want to see it do I?”

“Everyone wants to see me dance.” Murphy said, downing his drink and fleeing from their corner, Bellamy followed him instantly.

He hadn't noticed just how much time had past, had really forgotten he was meant to be paying any attention to it, until the lights were flickering on leaving everyone booing and shielding their eyes. Bellamy's eyes found the clock and he swore.

“I've got to go. I need to be back before-”

“Alright Cinderella. Just drop a shoe and run.” Murphy said, waving Bellamy off with a grin.

“I'm sorry.” Bellamy said earnestly. “My mom-”

“Go.” Murphy urged, shoving Bellamy towards the door.

“Tonight was fun.”

“Yeah, I'm glad you made it.” Murphy said earnestly, eyes shifting away from Bellamy, hand rubbing at his nose. Bellamy found a grin stretching across his face. Hand coming out to ruffle Murphy's hair quickly.

“Me too.” Bellamy said, before taking off through the halls as fast as he could, feet slapping hard against the floors. He skidded to a stop outside the door, jabbing the code in and throwing himself inside, praying that his mother wasn't back. His eyes swept around the room, sighing in relief when he saw only Octavia.

“Take it off she'll be back any second!” Octavia yelped, Bellamy nodded, ripping the mask off his face and throwing it onto the table. He threw himself down into the chair taking heaving breaths wiping the sweat off his brow.

“I'm so sorry O, I didn't mean to- What are you doing?” Bellamy looked to Octavia, spreading cards across the table and dropping monopoly money amongst them.

“Making it look like you've been here.” Octavia said. “I didn't think you were going to make it back before-”

“I know, I lost track of time I won't do it again I-” The sound of footsteps clattered from outside the hall and Bellamy's mouth snapped closed. He grabbed Octavia's arm, shoving her to the floor by his feet and begun a messy braid with shaking hands. The door slid open and Aurora stepped in.

“You're still up?”

“It's unity day. Thought she could stay up a bit later.” Bellamy gasped.

“Why are you out of breath?”

“He was giving me piggy back rides.” Octavia lied smoothly, barely flinching as Bellamy pulled her hair a tad too hard in his panic. “Did you have a good night?”

“I did, I'm exhausted though. Don't let her stay up too late.” Aurora wandered off to the bedroom leaving the Blake siblings sighing in relief. They waited in silence for a while, Bellamy calming his breathing while Octavia shifted restlessly beneath him. Once she seemed to feel it was long enough for Aurora to have fallen asleep she spun round.

“So, tell me everything.” Octavia ordered.

And so Bellamy did, with a grin on his face. As the story wore on Octavia was smiling, a real smile, not the shells he'd been growing accustomed to. She laughed with her head thrown back when Bellamy demonstrated Murphy's dancing and by the time the two were finally going to bed Bellamy knew his mother would consider it as them staying up too late.

He sent himself to sleep with memories of the night and coming up elaborate schemes to get Octavia out of the house. Just once, A few hours, a single conversation with another person. He thought of Murphy, he was sure that he wouldn't say anything, that she'd be safe if he knew.

*

After the dance Murphy seemed to start hanging out with Roma more, or more, she seemed to start hanging out with him. Bellamy would catch her wandering along next to Murphy chatting animatedly. When they were eating she'd drop her tray next to them, dragging a red faced chet with her. Bellamy didn't dislike her, but he was sure that her hanging around Murphy was an awkward, long apology for letting her boyfriend hit him and he knew she'd be gone within a few weeks. Murphy seemed to know it to, but it didn't seem to bother the boy. It actually seemed to bother him more that she was there at all. He did however hold his tongue, which Bellamy was fairly impressed with, he was quite use to Murphy just blurting out whatever he thought. Regardless of where they were.

“Bellamy!You up for poker with Roma tonight.” Bellamy sighed, head dropping forwards at the loud shout that stopped David Miller from giving the trainees their assignments. He felt all eyes fall on him, shoulders drooping. “OI! You hear me?” Bellamy looked up, catching David Millers eyes before he turned slowly towards Murphy, hovering at the end of the hall. Roma was stood behind him, looking fairly bored. Perhaps it wouldn't even be a few weeks before she stopped hanging out with them.

Not that he could blame her, most of their time together was spent playing the same card games over and over again and insulting each other.

“The whole ark can hear you.” Bellamy snapped.

“Is that a ye-”

“Come here if you want to talk!” Bellamy ordered.

“God.” Murphy rolled his eyes, stomping down the hall towards them. He pushed through the few guards before Bellamy and came to a stop in front of him.

“You couldn't wait to annoy me for five minutes?”

“I mean I could, but where's the fun in that?”

“I'm working John!” Bellamy hissed.

“Calm down your highness. I was just asking a question. You up for poker tonight?”

“Fine.”

“See, that wasn't so hard was it.” Murphy said sardonically before he was shoving back through the guards and making his way to the waiting Roma. “Oh and Bell, remember to wear clean underwear it's strip poker.”

“You little sh-...He's joking. We're not-” Bellamy tried, uselessly amongst the snorts of laughter from the other guards. He was going to kick Murphy's ass.

*

At least he would have, had Roma not insisted they don't stay in Murphy's room for another night and forced them to trudge along to the crowded rec room which Bellamy didn't think was the best place for an ass kicking.

“This is going to be so boring.” Bellamy whispered to Murphy as they entered the quiet room. Teenagers milled around, some spread across the sofas, others sat at sleek chess boards all looking like they'd rather be anywhere else.

“We could just run while she's got her back turned.” Murphy suggested.

“There's free seats over there.” Roma said, pointing to the back of the room where small uncomfortable tables sat. Bellamy fixed a smile on his face and pulled Murphy along behind him as they made their way over to the chairs.

A few of Roma's friends joined them during the poker game, leaving Bellamy and Murphy explaining the rules. They did pick it up fairly quickly though and soon Bellamy found himself wondering if he'd been wrong, perhaps it would be a good night after all.

And then Murphy was being yanked out of his chair with a startled yell.

“Chet!” Roma yelled.

“What's this I hear about you and my girlfriend playing strip poker.” Chet growled. Bellamy sighed, moving to collect the cards off the table knowing it would be best for them to leave once he'd talked Chet down.

“Ohhh.” Someone whispered.

“Shut up.” Chet said. “I asked you a question.”

“We're playing strip poker?” Murphy gasped. “Oh no, am I naked without noticing again?”

“You think this is funny?”

“You overreacting? Yes. Definitely.” Murphy said.

“John.” Bellamy warned, hiding his smile. He extracted him from Chet's grip cussing the gossiping idiots he worked with. “As John pointed out, we're quite obviously all fully clothed and weren't planning on that changing so calm down.”

“This isn't about you so back off.” Chet growled, shoving Bellamy's chest, he stumbled back into the table,

“Hey!” Bellamy growled as Chet got in Murphy's face.

“Everytime I turn around you're talking to her. You don't even like her why are you trying to steal my girlfriend.”

“I'm not interested in stealing your girlfriend.” Murphy snorted.

“Then leave her alone.”

“Getting her to leave me alone is more the problem.” Murphy said. Bellamy once again moved Chet away from Murphy.

“I said drop it alright. Let's go.” Bellamy said, trying to steer Murphy away with a hand on his back.

“I'm not done talking!” Chet growled, darting out a hand and grabbing Murphy's wrist and yanking him backwards. Bellamy was turning around before he knew it, grabbing Chet's wrist and twisting until he dropped Murphy's hand with a yelp of pain.

“Don't touch him!” Bellamy growled, shoving chet away and turning back to Murphy.

Bellamy heard the gasp and startled 'watch out' from an onlooker before his head snapped to side as the kids hand slammed into his cheek. He grit his teeth, fists curling as he tried to remind himself it wouldn't be okay to punch him back. He didn't have to think about it for long before he felt a rush of air go past him as Murphy dived forward. Bellamy watched in shock as Murphy tackled him to the ground. Chet hit the floor with a groan, his head snapping against the metal. Murphy reeled back, slamming his fist into Chet's face.

The crowd noticed, turning, cheers rising out of them. He heard one kid placing a bet loudly. Blood hit the floor as Murphy hit him again. Bellamy crushed down the urge to cheer along with everyone else as he spotted a guard over the crowds heads..

“Hey, Hey come on!” Bellamy said, yanking Murphy away from Chet. “Guards.” He explained. Chet shoved through them, swearing as he made a run for it.

“Go go go!” Murphy insisted. Shoving Bellamy after Chet, the two took off, ignoring the shouts from the guards. The kids watching the fight worked as a blockade, giving them a chance to get out of the hall before they were being followed. Chet disappeared down one hall and they turned to take the other.

The two thundered down the metal passageways, hearts racing. Bellamy had a tight grip on Murphy's arm, as if Murphy would stop running if he let go. He skidded round a corner, dragging Murphy with him.

“We need...to hide.” Murphy panted. Bellamy agreed whole heartedly. He was sure that if they hadn't run they would have been able to get away with it. Bellamy could just explain, the other kids could explain, they might get a slap on the wrist and sent away but nothing more. As it was Bellamy was sure they wouldn't get arrested, but the guards would make their lives hell just by knocking at the door and dragging them into their respective homes. If Bellamy bought guards back to the room his mom would never forgive him. It would be fine for Octavia, she'd be locked away safe before anyone saw her, but still, it was more trouble than it was worth. Bellamy thought about the bruise lining Murphy's soft skin with a sickening twist in his gut. He doubted Murphy's mother would take Murphy being delivered to the doorstep very well either.

They had two options, keep running and get caught and pray the guards just sent them off after a stern talking to, Or, find somewhere to go, that the guards wouldn't look for them. Bellamy thought of Murphy's, on the other side of Farm station. Then of his. Probably empty, sitting only a few turns away. Octavia would be asleep, his mother 'working' for the guards.

“Mines this way.” Bellamy said. Shoving Murphy into the next corridor. “Hurry.” he urged, pushing himself to go faster. Murphy stumbled to keep up as Bellamy took the last few turns, jabbing in the key jiggling nervously as the door swung open. He pushed Murphy through the door before he was throwing himself in, closing the door with a quiet click.

They pressed their backs to the door, like they could barricade it if the guards decided to check the rooms, holding their breath as they listened to the rush of footsteps going down the hall, right past the door and off again. Once they trailed off down the hall Murphy let out a chuckle. Muffling it with his sleeve.

“You're right, it was a boring night.” Murphy whispered, face lit in a teasing grin. Bellamy felt his own answering one, nose scrunching up as he began to laugh, he swayed, knocking into Murphy's side with a laugh.

“You had fun though.” Bellamy said as Murphy pushed himself off of the door and walked further into the room. Peering round with a speculative eyebrow, as if their homes were any different.

“I guess it was alright.” Murphy said with a half hearted shrug, the smile on his face told Bellamy a different story. “Surprised you didn't leave me out there to fend for myself. You usually guard this place like a dog. I mean it's been what, five years and you've never even told me what part of the ark you live in.”

“Mom doesn't like me having people over.” Bellamy said uneasily. Eyes flickering towards where he knew Octavia would be, either still asleep or listening to their voices curiously.

“Sucks man. At least mine doesn't care what I do.” Murphy said, walking his fingers across the table.

“Your friend needs to get better taste in guys.” Bellamy said.

“Not my problem. I doubt she'll be talking to me again after tonight.” Murphy said.

Bellamy had meant to have him over for a few minutes, long enough for the guards to pass and then he could sneak the younger boy back to his place, but then Murphy had started a conversation and Bellamy had gotten lost in it. They sat on the table, facing each other cross legged talking about whatever seemed to come to mind. An abandoned game of cards between them. It had been the first time in 14 years that Bellamy had a friend in his home.

“Bellamy. What are you doing?” Bellamy turned to the door, looking to his mother with wide eyes. He quickly hopped off the table, stepping in front of Murphy as if he could hide him.

“Mom i-”

“Say goodbye. Now.” Aurora's eyes were cold as she looked between the two boys. Bellamy shifted nervously, giving a small nod as he swallowed the lump in his throat. “I'll walk you back.” Bellamy said nervously.

“You won't.” Aurora said stiffly.

“It'll only take a few minutes.” Bellamy insisted. Murphy didn't question it, just let Bellamy shoo him back into the hall with little more than a nod to Aurora. Once the door was closed Bellamy let out a sigh. It reminded Bellamy vividly of the first time he'd met Murphy's mother.

“You don't have to take me back. I do know my way around.” Bellamy rolled his eyes, knocking Murphy's shoulder to make him walk. “sorry if I got you in trouble.” Murphy said quietly as they snuck through the halls.

“Don't be.” Bellamy said sincerely. Sure, his mom was going to be pissed, but he could handle it and he couldn't help but smile at the thought that he'd spent a night in his house with his friend. Whatever would happen, whatever lecture he'd get, it'd be worth it. Bellamy looked to Murphy thoughtfully and not for the first time thought about telling him about Octavia.

If he knew then O could be friends with him too. Octavia already loved him from the stories she'd heard and he was sure Murphy would like Octavia. Murphy had a few stories he could tell that would get her laughing and he was sure, after years of only him and Aurora as company any other human interacting with her would be nice, even if it was Murphy. Bellamy shook the thought out of his head. Frowning down at the metal slats on the floor. He'd bet his life on Murphy keeping Octavia's secret, but he couldn't bet Octavia's on it. As much as he wanted to have the two meet. To spend nights sitting, the three of them around the table, trading stories and laughing. The risk was too big. But as the years drew on he found himself questioning it more and more. Murphy had never let him down, he didn't think he'd start now. Not with something, someone, that meant so much to Bellamy.

They reached Murphy's door in what seemed like record time. Bellamy slipped in, knowing he should be turning round and heading back to the wrath of his mother. He could immediately tell Murphy's mother wasn't there by the missing smell of spilt alcohol.

“You want to stay? Hide until she calms down.” Murphy offered, flopping onto his bunk.

“No thanks.” Bellamy said, even as he sat Murphy on the bed. He let his head thump back against the wall. Closing his eyes, listening to Murphy's breathing.

“She gunna be okay?”

“Yeah.” Bellamy pinched the bridge of his nose. Trying to figure out just how much trouble he was about to be in. A deep sigh escaping him .Murphy grabbed his shoulder, pulling him until he flopped down onto the bed, head resting on Murphy's legs, his finger begun quickly carding through Bellamy's hair, curls bouncing as his hand moved away. He blinked up at Murphy's face, an eyebrow raising as Murphy studied him.

“Are you?”

“Yeah.” Bellamy said, pushing his head up to meet Murphy's fingers like a cat. “She's just..I can't imagine this'll be a very fun fight.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Don't be.” Bellamy said with a soft smile. They stayed quiet for a few moments, Murphy's fingers slowly running over his scalp calming Bellamy's still racing heart.

“You gunna go back then?” Murphy asked.

“In a little bit.” Bellamy decided, closing his eyes.

 

 


	4. What's done

Bellamy knew he should leave, unlike normally he hadn't forgotten that he was meant to be going back, spending time with Murphy hadn't swept him into a current where all there was was the other boy and him, he knew exactly what was happening. He could feel each second ticking by as the ball of worry ebbed in his stomach, pulsing like a heartbeat. But even so he couldn't bring himself to leave, he was comfortable, head on Murphy's legs as the boy breathed out stories that kept a smile fighting its way onto Bellamy's face. His fingers still carded through Bellamy's hair, catching on the curls, only stopping occasionally to ping one, his other hand rested on Bellamy's chest, rising and falling each time Bellamy breathed.

“You know.” Bellamy said, at least an hour after he'd said he'd only be a minute. “You kicked Chet's ass tonight.”

“I don't know karate but I know ka-razy and I will use it.” Murphy quoted making Bellamy snort. “He deserved it.”

“I will never argue that.” Bellamy murmured. “Roma deserves better. She's nice.”

“Please you hate her.”

“I do not hate her.”

“You call her roomba half the time Bellamy.”

“She screwed you over.” Bellamy grumbled.

“She didn't. She got dumped by her boyfriend and I was there, and devastatingly handsome-” Bellamy snorted and Murphy gave a harsh tug at his hair making him whine in pain. “Can't blame her for asking me on a date to try and get over him, or ditching me when the person she really wanted wanted her back. I'd have done the exact same thing.”

“Yeah but you're an asshole.” Bellamy said, Murphy tugged his hair again. Bellamy turned his head slightly so he could look up at Murphy. His eyes were already on Bellamy, a small smirk tugging at his lips when their eyes met. Murphy's fingers stilled on Bellamy's head. His lips turning down in a frown before the hand from Bellamy's chest came up, finger stroking across the furrow of Bellamy's brow.

“Stop frowning.” Murphy said gently. His fingers were warm and smooth.

“John-” Bellamy sighed, catching Murphy's hand and drawing it away from his face. He moved it back to his chest, his own fingers curling around Murphy's. The words died in Bellamy's throat, he wanted Murphy to understand, wanted to lay it all out and tell Murphy about Octavia so that he would see why Bellamy was worried. Why Bellamy's mom was so mad. His eyes moved from Murphy and the frown he was now wearing to their hands on Bellamy's chest, Murphy's knuckle slightly swollen, turning purple with Chet's blood still sticking to it. “I should go.” Bellamy said eventually, he sat up, Murphy's hand dropping from his head. Their clasped hands hit the bed with a small thump. “I'll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, alright.” Murphy said. Bellamy's eyes moved back to their hands. Slowly untwinning them. His fingers danced gently across the bruise knuckle.

“Put some ice on that.”

“Will do.” Murphy lied. Bellamy rolled his eyes fondly, a smile slipping back onto his lips.

“It's your own fault when you can't pick up a pen.”

“Oh dear, I won't be able to do school work, how awful.” Murphy drawled. Bellamy's eyes rolled again as he hopped off the bed.

“Goodnight John.”

“Night Bell.” Murphy sighed, flopping down onto the bed, face hitting the pillow with a soft thump. “See yourself out, I'm knackered.”

It seemed to be second before Bellamy stood at his own door, heart in his throat and fingers curled into tight fists as he talked himself into opening the door. He drew in a deep, shaky breath before he finally did. Squaring his shoulders and easing the door open. He drooped almost instantly when he heard Aurora's soft snores filling the room. He wanted to wait, to hold off the scolding until the morning but he knew that her anger would only increase over that time. Also, he would prefer to do this with Octavia asleep. Bellamy checked on his sister, rearranging the blankets before he was creeping back over to Aurora, slumped in the chair, head pooled in her arms as she slept.

“Mom.” Bellamy said gently, hand brushing against her shoulder. She blinked her eyes open, sleepy and glazed.

“Bellamy?”

“Yeah.” Her lips thinned and Bellamy threw her a tentative, guilty smile. On second thoughts, it could definitely wait till morning. “You should go to bed. It's late.”

“I thought walking your friend home would only take a few minutes.”

“I..” Bellamy tried to think of an excuse as to where he was that wasn't just him avoiding this moment. When none came to mind he sighed, sliding into the seat next to Aurora, picking up one of Murphy's playing cards still, spread across the table. “I'm sorry.” Bellamy admitted. “I know what I did was stupid and dangerous but-”

“Do you really?” Aurora asked, all traces of sleep gone. “Because if you really know how dangerous it was to bring him here then you shouldn't have done it.”

“I won't do it again.”

“I know you won't.” Aurora said. “Because you won't be seeing him again.”

“Mom-”

“No Bellamy listen to me. You took a huge risk tonight, one I never thought you would be stupid enough to take. If you did it once who's to say you won't do it again.” Bellamy opened his mouth to retort but Aurora stopped him, talking fist. “Bellamy it's your responsibility to keep Octavia safe. I understand that he's your friend but it's too dangerous. Now, I've let this go on for years but-” Bellamy bristled at the words.

“Let this go on? It's a friendship not a drug addiction.” Bellamy snapped. “You know I would never put O in danger.”

“But you did last night and you didn't even think about it did you?”

“I did. I knew she'd be asleep.”

“That's worse Bellamy. What if she'd woken up and come out. What if he'd seen her?”

“Then I'd lie and tell him we were babysitting.”

“And if he didn't believe you?”

“Then he'd trust me enough to know I had a good reason for lying and wouldn't bring it up again. Mom, come on. He's my friend, you can't ask me to-”

“I'm not asking Bellamy. I'm telling you this friendship has to end.”

“That's not fair!” Bellamy growled.

“That's life for you.” Aurora said. “You think that's unfair think about how you would feel if he did find out, if he told someone else. I would be floated, You would probably be floated. Octavia would be taken away and then floated once she was of age. Are you really willing to do this? Are you willing to risk our entire family because of some friendship?” Bellamy wanted to say yes. To scream that Murphy _wouldn't_ tell anyone, to tell him just to spite her for mistrusting him, but he could picture Octavia in the airlock. Could see it as the oxygen vanished from the room and she gasped on nothing before being thrown out into space. “Okay, if that ones too hard then who do you care about more. Octavia or him?”

“I..Octavia but-”

“Then protect her.”Aurora urged. Bellamy gulped, realising with a sinking sense of dread that he couldn't justify it. He couldn't risk Octavia's life, not for anyone.

“Okay..” He said, defeated. “I won't see him again.” Bellamy croaked, tasting bile.

 


	5. What we deserve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.

Bellamy wondered when exactly Murphy had infiltrated every part of his life. 14 hours after his promise to not see the boy again Bellamy already felt like he was going crazy. Octavia woke him up by asking him what had happened with John the night before and did she really hear his voice _inside_ their room. Bellamy had lied and told her no, that she must have been dreaming, that he'd never be dumb enough to bring Murphy back to their room.

When their mother had woken up Bellamy had bid a quick goodbye, feeling the anger bubble up in him at the sight of her. He left, barely remember to get his Guards uniform before he did so.

The problem was, on the ark, they were all trapped, you couldn't wander off, find somewhere unknown because, after growing up here, everyone knew everything, every hiding place and secret tunnel. Bellamy was thankful, for once, that Murphy was in school during the day leaving Bellamy free to wander the halls, even so he found himself checking over his shoulder every few seconds as if Murphy were about to appear.

When classes drew to a close Bellamy hid himself in the rec room, which, for most, would be a terrible place to hide, but when it was Murphy he was hiding from it was pretty perfect. Murphy would only go to the rec room for a few reasons, he really wanted to piss someone off, his mom was in a particularly bad mood, Bellamy had forced him to go there, or, and this was the kicker, if he was looking for Bellamy.

Bellamy spent the hours before his guard shift ducked down in a chair watching the doors with wide eyes ready to run at a moments noticed but Murphy never showed up. Something Bellamy was thankful for but oddly disappointed in as well. Usually Bellamy would have been at Murphy's by the time he was home, sitting in silence with Mrs Murphy and groaning thankfully as Murphy arrived, throwing his bag down and shooing Bellamy off to the bedroom.

After almost three hours had past since Murphy's last class of the day would have finished Bellamy spotted Roma wandering into the rec room. A red faced chet at her side ranting in her ear in a way that she seemed to be completely ignoring. Her eyes locked on Bellamy's and she smiled, jogging over, throwing off Chet's hand on her arm.

“Bellamy.” She said, sliding into the seat across from him. “I just saw John. He's looking for you. He was headed towards the caf-”

“I've got guard duty now.” Bellamy said quickly. “If he comes here tell him and send him off before Chet tries to start something...You know you deserve better right?” Bellamy asked, Roma flushed a deep red, babbling out words he couldn't understand. He grabbed his stuff and left the babbling girl behind him, ducking through the lesser used corridors, trying to avoid the possibility of bumping into Murphy.

The boy in question however seemed to have different ideas. The moment Bellamy got to the other trainee guards he saw Murphy, leaning against the wall, looking across them with assessing eyes.

“Alright Blake.” One greeted, slapping him on the back drawing Murphy's eyes to him in an instant. His lips curled up in a smirk as he shoved himself off the wall and walked over.

“You-”

“I'm busy.” Bellamy said bluntly. Murphy raised an eyebrow, lips twitching into more of a smile.

“Okay, calm down. Just wanted to see if you were okay?”

“I'm fine.” Bellamy said. Mind reeling, eyes flickering around the corridor as if his mother would pop round the corner and scold him. Drag Octavia to the air lock herself just to prove to Bellamy how stupid he was being.

“How'd your mom-”

“How many times do I have to tell you not to bother me when I'm working?” Bellamy growled, the image of Octavia in the air lock vanished from his mind as Murphy reeled back as his harsh tone, an eyebrow raising, lips turning down into a sneer.

“Jesus, someone's in a bad mood.” Murphy said. “I'll see you when you're not being a bitch.” he flicked Bellamy the bird as he stomped off down the corridor. Hands shoved deep in his pockets.

“Lovers quarrel?” A guard asked, a smirk on her face. Bellamy shot her a harsh glare, shouldering past her and making his way over to Shumway to get his assignment for the day.

*

It took two days before Murphy was back to trying to find Bellamy. Bellamy shot him down each time. Murphy would find him in the rec room and Bellamy would leave after a quick snap of 'leave me alone' or he'd spot Bellamy during guard duty and try to talk to him and Bellamy would send him on his way.

It was exhausting, seeing the pain flashing across Murphy's face each time he turned away made Bellamy hate himself. He barely talked to Aurora, just the bare minimum to try to keep Octavia from noticing something with wrong.

By the end of the week Bellamy was ready to crawl into his bed and never get back up. He wished to turn back time, so that he could stop himself from taking Murphy back to his room. Or at least make him leave earlier, so Aurora never found out, never made him promise to stop seeing him.

“Why are you avoiding John?” Bellamy jumped, eyes flickering over to find Roma standing next to him.

“Excuse me?” Bellamy asked tiredly, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I said-”

“I know.” Bellamy sighed. “And I really don't get how it's any of your business. You should go, I'm trying to work.”

“I'll leave once you stop-”

“Bellamy!” Bellamy didn't manage to hold in the whine at the sound of Murphy's voice, his feet thundering down the hall. He came into Bellamy's line of sight with a tentative smile. “Hey Roma. Bell, they're showing shanghai dawn at the cinema. We've got to go. You're off tomorrow right so we could-”

“No.” Bellamy said tiredly.

“No? Bellamy it's Jackie Chan, we've been waiting for this for like five years. I'm even going to _buy_ our tickets so-”

“I'm busy, both of you need to leave.” Murphy's jaw clenched at Bellamy's words, squaring his shoulders as he glared at Bellamy.

“No.”

“no?” Bellamy repeated.

“No. You've been acting like a dick for over a week. There's no one in this corridor it's not like there's any guarding you can do right now. So tell me what the hell is going on with you and then tomorrow we're going to go and see Shanghai Dawn in the movie theatre because I've wanted to since my dad showed it to me when I was six years old.” Murphy ranted.

“I've told you I'm busy.” Bellamy said. Shifting where he stood, resisting the urge to run away.

“And I don't care. Bell come on, it's been a week, whatevers going on just tell me and then we can figu-”

“Just leave me alone. I'm busy, I'm stressed and you're just adding onto that every time you come sniffing around begging for attention.” Bellamy huffed. If just being standoffish wouldn't work Bellamy was going to have to change his tactic.

“I didn't realise that your friend wanting to talk to you would be too much trouble.” Murphy snapped. Bellamy grit his teeth. “If you would just tell me what's going on then-”

“You're not my friend!” Bellamy bellowed. “You're the annoying, violent little brat who follows me around all the damn time. How much more obvious do I have to make it that I don't want you around? If I ever want a lap dog, I'll ask you, until then just piss off.” Bellamy wanted Murphy to beg, to pester and bitch until Bellamy was forced to drag him away and explain everything but Murphy had never been one for begging. Barring that he wanted Murphy to tackle him, to send him to the floor and punch him until Bellamy was as bloody and ruined as he felt, because that _was_ what Murphy did. You hurt me I hurt you. Anything but what Murphy actually did. Bellamy watched as Murphy's face flickered through emotions, through pain and anger and betrayal before it shut down. Wiped away leaving nothing behind, just a blank stare.

Bellamy got what he wanted a moment later when Roma stormed forwards and slapped him, hard.

“Go float yourself.” She spat. “Come on John.” She urged, taking Murphy's wrist and moving to lead him away, Murphy ripped his hand out of hers as if it burnt. His eyes moving to the floor, his hand came up, rubbing at his nose. Bellamy felt sick when he saw the bitter smile stretching across his face, the same one Bellamy had seen so many times when Mrs Murphy was berating the boy.

“John-” Bellamy croaked. Trying to think of something to say to make it better, but he couldn't, he couldn't explain, he couldn't apologise or take it back.

“Have a nice life.” Murphy said quietly, it felt more like a curse and then he was walking away. Leaving Roma and Bellamy behind. Bellamy watched as he disappeared around the corner.

“He didn't deserve that.” Roma said stiffly. “He's your friend why would you-”

“I have my reasons. Stay out of it.”

“He deserves better.” Roma said. Bellamy ignored her staring at a panel on the opposite wall trying to ignore the guilt swarming in his stomach.

_It's for Octavia, you've got to keep her safe_ Bellamy reminded himself, letting out a shaky breath. Roma huffed and stormed away. Bellamy sighed, closing his eyes and flopping back against the wall. He tried to convince himself that he should feel happy, he finally got Murphy to leave him alone, for good most likely.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the angst fest being.


	6. I'm just a kid

The worst part of not seeing Murphy was the fact that he still had to see him. The ark was small, especially amongst the lower stations, it was common to bump into the same people every day, to learn the names and faces of a good portion of the inhabitants of the ship, because you did, after walking by them every day for a few years you learnt names, even if you didn't want to. It was why it was so dangerous for someone to see Octavia, because an unfamiliar face bought up unease. It felt like Bellamy had seen everyone on the ark before even if he didn't know their name, he would recognise them from somewhere.

And so Murphy was still everywhere. He'd even started visiting the rec room. Not that he'd speak to anyone, he'd curl into a corner and watch, bright eyes searching silently around the room observing all of them. His eyes would stay clear of Bellamy though, even when he made sure to tell a joke that made the fellow guards he was standing with laugh extra loud, drawing the attention of everyone else in the room. Murphy's eyes would stay where they were, or, on occasion, they'd go to the door before Murphy shoved himself up and stormed out.

When Bellamy would go to collect his rations Murphy would be there, swerving through the tables sneaking food off of abandoned trays while no one was looking.

Bellamy realised with a sinking feeling almost a month after he stopped talking to Murphy that the boy had started getting bruises more regularly and that his sudden appearance all around the ship wasn't because he was lonely, or whatever it was that Bellamy felt he was secretly hoping for, but because without Bellamy there Murphy didn't have anyone to intercept Mrs Murphy when she went off and so Murphy was hanging around the ship not because he wanted to, but because it was necessary for his safety.

When he noticed that he went to the chief guard, David Miller, and asked if he could do some of his training in the sky box. Bellamy had shrugged and muttered his way through David's questions as to why before the man eventually nodded.

In a way, it was better. Murphy wasn't in the sky box, he'd rarely go anywhere near the prison station and so Bellamy found that he wasn't spotting him at every corner like he had for the first month but it also made it worse. He kept waiting, listening out for people to talk about a fight in the rec room when Murphy no doubt got bored of watching everyone now he wouldn't be storming out when he decided he couldn't stand the sigh of Bellamy, But it didn't happen. Murphy didn't act out, just floated through the halls, a shadow passing and Bellamy was the same.

His life seemed to be simply work and his room to look after Octavia. He bit his tongue when talking to his mom, replies clipped and short. He knew she had reason to ask him to stop seeing Murphy, he understood why he had to, but it was easier to blame her than to blame himself for getting so invested. Murphy's cards were tucked away in Bellamy's guard uniform pocket, where they'd been since they'd stopped talking. Whenever he needed to wash it he would switch them to a clean uniform, telling himself that he would give them back the next time he spotted Murphy.

It seemed only fairly in a way, Murphy still had Bellamy's red hoodie, at least, Bellamy was pretty sure he did as it wasn't anywhere in his house, so surely Bellamy could steal a pack of cards.

Time dragged on in a bitter haze and Bellamy was just.. so tired, tired to hiding Octavia, tired of being the only one able to cheer her up, tired of the constant weight her secret was to bare, not that he would ever spill it, no matter how bad it got but still, he felt like he was being swallowed whole, disappearing through the cracks of the ark. He couldn't be feeling that way, because Octavia had begun slipping, her smiles were few and far between and the only thing that seemed to be able to bring a real smile to her face was Bellamy's good moods, when he'd rush in and try to explain a moonrise or tell her a story about John, but that was gone, so Bellamy was busy trying to keep her from spiralling while he felt like he was loosing himself. He wished he could break, but if he broke Octavia would so he kept going, keeping a smile on his face and forcing himself to listen to the stories from the other guards, to keep his eyes peeled for anything remotely amusing he could tell her at the end of a long day.

*

“Bell, tell me a story.” Octavia said sleepily, her head lulling forwards as Bellamy braided her thick hair.

“What kind of story?” Bellamy asked, wrapping a hair band around the end.

“One about the ark. How's John? You haven't said anything about-”

“He's gone.” Bellamy said, too fast.

“What?” Octavia turned around, facing him with wide eyes.

“We're not friends anymore.” Bellamy explained. “Turn around, I'll do the other side.” Bellamy tried.

“What No. What do you mean you aren't friends, why? What happened?” Octavia inquired, suddenly fully awake.

“Nothing we just-”

“Nothing? That's stupid. He's your best friend why would you stop being friends if nothing happened.” for a second, Bellamy wanted to tell her. He wanted to say 'you happened, I can't have friends because no one can find out about you' but quickly swallowed it down. He's pretty sure he learnt that from Murphy, hurting someone because he's hurting.

“Stay out of it O.” Bellamy said instead.

“But-”

“I said drop it.” Bellamy snapped. Octavia frowned and stood up, walking towards the bedroom, one side of her hair still hanging loose and flopping around. Bellamy groaned, running his hands through his hair, giving it a small tug.

“O I'm sorry.” Bellamy said quietly. “I didn't mean to snap at you, I'm just tired.” Bellamy admitted.

“What happened between you and John?”

“It's personal.” Bellamy said.

“It's not like I'm going to tell anyone.” Octavia pointed out. Bellamy gave a dry laugh.

“That's not the problem, I just...I'd rather not talk about it. Maybe another day?” He knew he was lying through his teeth, he wouldn't tell Octavia, couldn't tell Octavia, she would hate that she was the reason he couldn't see Murphy anymore.

“Are you okay?” Octavia asked, moving back over.

“Yeah, yeah I'm good. Tired, been working hard lately.” Bellamy said. “Could use a holiday.”

“I hear Mars is nice and hot. We could steal a ship and go there for the day.”

“And what would we do on mars?” Bellamy asked, all too happy for the subject change. Octavia shrugged, moving back to sit in front of Bellamy, flicking the untied hair at him, a silent way of telling him to get back to work. Bellamy returned to braiding it.

“Well..we'd start by making sand castles.” Octavia said, tucking her knee's up to her chest. “Then we'd find out once and for all is mars has water.”

Bellamy let her talk, listening to their itinerary for a day on mars with a small smile.

*

Life went on, Octavia didn't ask about John, no matter how much she wanted to, and Bellamy knew she did, her eyes following him around the room, lips opening to ask the question at times before she'd snap them shut. Bellamy worked, he went home, he played with Octavia, go to sleep, rinse and repeat.

Bellamy trudged back to his quarters after eating in the cafeteria. Watching the floor boards pass with glazed eyes.

He needed to sleep for a year, to wake up when suddenly having more than one child wasn't punishable by death, when he could lead Octavia out of the room and introduce her to the rest of the ark. Of course he couldn't, he would have time to talk to Octavia for a bit before he had to leave for a shift on guard.

Bellamy jutted in the code, head turning as he heard the quick thump thump thump of footsteps down the corridor. His eyes found the culprit almost instantly, his body sliding around the corner.

He felt like he'd been dipped in ice water, breath rushing out of his throat when he saw Murphy looking at him, actually looking at him for the first time in almost three months. Murphy had frozen too, red rimmed eyes on Bellamy, flickering between glazed and hyper focused.

“I need to talk to you.” Murphy croaked, not moving from his position at the end of the hall. Bellamy's finger hovered over the last key on the keypad. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he forced himself to look away, pushing heavily on the button, the door slid open.

“I'm busy.” Bellamy said, the words tasting like acid.

“Wait don't!” Murphy yelped, Bellamy ignored him, sliding in through the open door and slamming it closed. He listened to the rush of Murphy's footsteps down the corridor as he came to the door. Bellamy flopped back against the door, heart thundering in his chest, eyes squished shut so tightly he saw spots. He let the metal cool his burning skin.

“Bellamy!” Murphy called, fist pounding against the door. Bellamy placed his palms flat against it, as if he needed to hold it shut. He knew Murphy didn't know the code, that he couldn't get in. “Please Bell.” And that was almost enough for Bellamy to open it, probably would have been had his eyes not fluttered open at the plea and caught on Aurora, half raised from her seat, watching him nervously as if she knew what he was thinking of doing. Bellamy grit his teeth, bile rising in his throat. “I need...Bellamy please.” Murphy begged. He waited, holding his breath for what felt like hours before he heard a harsh huff. “Forget it.” Murphy snapped. The metal shook as Murphy kicked at the door. “I hope you float.” Murphy said wetly before footsteps thundered down the hall, away from the door. Bellamy's head hit the cool metal with a bang, legs giving out beneath him. He slid down slowly, dropping his head in his hands and taking a shaky breath.

“It's not fair.” Bellamy whispered.

“Bellamy.” He heard Aurora come across the room, felt her hand soft on his shoulder and couldn't stop himself from slapping it away. Anger burning through him, white hot and blinding. He managed to fight it back down, sucking in harsh breaths.

“It's not fair.” Bellamy said again, louder this time, looking up to meet his mother eyes.

“I-”

“I have to get ready for guard duty.” He interrupted, Aurora's mouth snapped shut and he pushed himself off the floor, stomping past her. Octavia watched him curiously as he moved into the small bedroom.. Opening her mouth to talk. “Not now O.” Bellamy growled. He snatched his uniform off the bed and locked himself in the small bathroom.

 


	7. Where there's smoke

Bellamy arrived at his shift twenty minutes after Murphy was at his door, he patted down his hair and clothes trying to make himself look slightly less like the emotional wreck he was.

“Blake.” David greeted. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Sure.” Bellamy said, following David, the man lead him into one of the closer cells. A teenager sat on the bed, David waved Bellamy inside before closing the door behind them. The boy looked up, raising an eyebrow at the two of them.

“This, is my son.” David said slowly. “He seemed to think it would be funny to try and steal some pipe from go sci so he and his friends could make moonshine.”

“Why are you telling me?” Bellamy asked.

“Because I want Nate to shadow you on your shift. So he can see exactly where he'll be ending up if he tries anything like this again.”

“No one was using it, it wasn't like-” Nathan started.

“I don't want to hear it.” David snapped. “Would you mind?”

“Of course not. Sir.”

“Thank you.”

“If you could keep this between us? What he did? I understand it's a lot to ask but-”

“Well he didn't steal anything right? He could just be here for a tour, future guard wanting to see what's happening.” Bellamy said with a shrug. David sighed in relief, clapping him on the back.

“Thank you officer Blake. Nate, get up, you stick with Officer Blake okay?”

“Sounds fun.” Nathan said, sliding off of the bed.

*

The end of shift couldn't come quick enough. Nate, or as he liked to be called, Miller, didn't make much of an effort to talk to him. Especially not when the few times he did Bellamy simply grunted back.

He wasn't being rude, just, quiet, and Miller seemed to not mind, falling into silence and plodding around after Bellamy, occasionally chatting with the inmates. Bellamy shoulders were drooped, his mind on his bed, wanting nothing more than to curl up in it and just forget the whole day ever happened.

“Blake.” Bellamy looked up from where he was watching Miller chatting to one of the inmates. “Sargent Miller wants you.”

“Alright, thanks.” Bellamy said, watching the guard wander off. “Miller! Lets go.” Miller pushed himself away from the bench, saying goodbye to his friend. Bellamy lead him back through the halls of the skybox until the game towards the entrance, David Miller standing waiting outside a small office.

“Nate, you learnt your lesson?”

“Yes, you scared me straight...well, as straight as I can be..” Miller said with a cheesy smile that made David roll his eyes.

“You need to get to bed, it's late.”

“Am I going to have to sleep here to?”

“No. I'll walk you. Bellamy, thank you for taking care of him, he didn't give you any trouble did he?”

“No.” Bellamy said, eyes searching from the clock, another 58 minutes and he'd be free to leave. “No he was fine.”

“Good, did he talk to you at all?”

“He's right here.” Miller said stiffly. “He doesn't like being talked about like he's not right here. He would quite like to sit down, so can we go?”

“He needs to check his attitude.” David said.

“GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!” The three froze, heads turning to the thick metal doors as they crept open.

“Nate step back.” David ordered. Miller did what he was told, shrinking back against the wall. Two guards hauled in a writhing boy. His head flicked back, hair flying out of his eyes.

“John?” Bellamy gasped, rushing towards Murphy. The boys head flew up, his eyes wild. The smell of smoke clung to his clothes, soot stuck to his cheeks and sweat matted his hair. Bellamy watched as Murphy's eyes darkened, lips pulling back in a sneer. “What happened?” Bellamy asked, reaching out before he could think better of it. Bellamy wasn't exactly shocked that Murphy didn't react to his sudden interest well. A glob of spit landing on Bellamy's face. The guards growled, hauling Murphy away too roughly. Bellamy wiped the spit off, wincing as Murphy struggled against the guards again, sharp elbows slamming into their sides until he got a shock baton to the back and fell limply to the floor.

“You know him?” Bellamy felt David Millers hand on his arm, trying to draw him away from what was happening.

“We were friends.” Bellamy croaked. The guards veered away from the usual cells, towards solitary. Bellamy grit his teeth, wondering how long they would let him rot in there for trying to fight. He didn't deserve solitary.

“Seems like you're close.” Miller said so dryly Bellamy found himself laughing. It was the kind of comment Murphy would have made.

“Nate.” David scolded.

“What happened?” Bellamy asked, finally turning away from where the guards had disappeared off with Murphy.

“Kid called in earlier tonight.” a new guard said, stepping through the door way “Mom had drunk herself to death, by the time we got there to clean up he was gone. Three hours ago he decided to burn down Jameson's quarters, We've been looking for him since. Told you he was trouble.” Bellamy probably would have punched the guard who walked off with a smirk where it not for the fact he felt like if he moved he'd throw up. He closed his eyes tightly, trying not to think of Murphy at his door earlier that night, begging for Bellamy to just talk to him. He knew Jameson, he'd been the one to arrest Murphy's father, someone that, for that reason alone, Bellamy had steered clear of. He knew technically he'd done nothing wrong. He'd just been doing his job like any of them would do but it wasn't fair. Alex Murphy hadn't deserved to die, not for trying to help his son.

“Jameson arrested his father.” Bellamy said quietly. “Floated him.”

“You okay?” David asked. Bellamy tried to force a smile and nod. His eyes lingering as the two guards appeared once more, Murphy no longer dangling between them. “You should be able to get on his visitors list.” David said.

“No.” Bellamy said immediately. Murphy wouldn't want him there.

“Bellamy. He'll get a review but with what he did...it's only going to go one way.” David said tentatively. Bellamy sucked in a harsh breath. Thinking of the small boy he'd seen watching his fathers execution but now he was the one in the air lock. Begging for help while they opened the door and sucked all the air out, sending him into space.

“He won't want to see me.” Bellamy said.

“Just think about it.” David urged. “Your shifts almost over. Tell you what, you walk Nate back and I'll let you cut out early.” Bellamy didn't even attempt to argue, just nodded his thanks at David and shot one last look at the skybox. The guards who had taken Murphy had stopped next to the other one. Heads bent together, laughing, as if they hadn't just ended a child's life.

“Come on.” Nathan said, leading Bellamy out of the skybox and through the halls. “Sorry about your friend.” He said after a few moments of silence. Bellamy wanted to scream. To run back and break Murphy out, to hide him beneath the floor with Octavia where he'd be safe. Not being floated in a few months time.

Bellamy had dropped Miller off at his place back on alpha before he made his way through the ship. His legs led him to the door before he'd even made up his mind about it. He stopped, looking at the now all too familiar doorway with uneasy eyes. It looked just like it always did, cool grey steel and a small keypad. There was nothing to tell him that anything was amiss.

Bellamy swallowed thickly before he typed the familiar code into the door. It clicked open with a woosh and Bellamy stepped inside. He knew he shouldn't be there, that there was nothing for him but he still couldn't bring himself to go back home. Not yet, not after the day he'd had.

He waited as the door closed behind him, watching the dark entrance to the bedroom as if Murphy were about to pop out and smile up at him, find something to say that would amuse and annoy Bellamy in equal amounts. When he didn't he wished for Mrs Murphy, for her pale, drawn face to appear in the dark telling him John wasn't back, that he could wait, he would have happily sat through an awkward silence with her in those moments.

Of course she didn't appear either, she would already be floating through space, another body joining the many. Bellamy could still smell smoke although there was no way that should be possible, he'd barely even touched Murphy, the smell wouldn't have transferred but still he felt it choking him, forcing it's way down his throat and burning at his lungs.

Bellamy slid the pack of cards out of his pocket instinctively, walking towards the small metal table, a bottle was left on it, tipped over. Once Bellamy managed to breath properly the smell of smoke wafted away, replaced with alcohol and vomit.

Tap, tap. Bellamy hit the pack against the table, looking over his shoulder at the closed door. How many years had it been since he stood there, watching Murphy as he nervously asked Bellamy to play. He spotted a flash of red and turned towards it. The red had faded over the years, holes had begun to appear in the sleeves and the elbows, a few were sewn up around the collar. He moved over to it, curling his fingers around the material.

Bellamy let out a shaky breath, moving towards the bedroom, he sat on Murphy's bed tentatively, the sheets heaped in a bundle at the end, pillows askew at the top. The red hoodie pooled in his lap, gripped with one hand while the other curled around the pack of cards. His eyes searched the room desperately, as if there'd be something, a glowing instruction manual that told him how he could fix this.

He let himself fall back, head hitting at the wall, closing his eyes, listening to the machine hum around him.

_What the hell have I done?_

_*_

Bellamy woke up to pounding at the door. He stumbled up, peering around looking for Octavia, ready to hide her when he remembered where he was, his body deflated, heart stuttering. The knocking on the door continued. He grimaced, storming out of the bedroom and to the front door. He yanked it open, seeing one of the last people he expected, Aurora, anger burning in her gaze when she saw it was Bellamy.

“I knew you'd be here, what did I tell you Bellamy! You can't-”

“He's not here.” Bellamy hissed. Turning on his heel and storming back into the bedroom, he heard the door close as he sat down on the edge of Murphy's bed. His tugged the hoodie closer to him, staring at his fingers rubbing over the fabric as he listened to Aurora enter the bedroom. “He's not here.” Bellamy repeated, before she could say anything. He turned the hoodie over in his hands, thinking of Murphy being dragged away by the guards. “He won't be here again so you can stop worrying about me seeing him.”

“What happened?”

“He came to me for help. His mom died and he, he came to me even though he must have been furious at me and I turned him away because you-” Bellamy took a steadying breath, trying to suck down the anger.. “I left him when he needed me and now he's been arrested, give it just over a year and they'll float him.” Bellamy said, with a bitter laugh. He wondered if she was happy before the words hit him. the truth to them. Murphy would be dead in just over a year. He tried to breath in but it caught in his throat. “God.” Bellamy gasped. “They're going to float him Mom.” The tears felt as if they were burning his sin as they rolled down his face. His hand tightened on the hoodie. “they're going to-”

“It's okay.” Aurora said gently. Bellamy shook his head furiously as Aurora knelt down before him and pulled him into her arms. “It's okay.”

“It's not. They-I should have done something, he just wanted to talk I should have-”

“Shh baby, it's okay.” She cooed, one hand carding through his hair. Bellamy let out a broken sob, clutching at her tightly, hands fisting into the back of her top, the hoodie still flowing out of his hand. “I got you.”

 


	8. I am the soft stars that shine at night

Bellamy didn't question it the next day when he turned up at the skybox only for David to take one look at him and send him back to the main ship, saying another trainee needed to take a turn at the skybox, he just nodded thankfully and quickly made his way away from the prison station.

“You look awful.” Bellamy grunted as Roma came to stand next to him. Tucking her hands behind her back and tilting her chin up as if she were a guard too. “Truly terrible.” She added.

“Thanks for that.” Bellamy said, he knew he did, his eyes were red rimmed and swollen, his throat sore and croaky. He rubbed a hand through his hair tiredly.

“I heard about John.” She said. “I'd ask if you were okay, but...well..” she waved a hand at Bellamy. “I'd say it's pretty obvious.”

“You going to visit him?”

“No, he hasn't talked to me in months, I don't think he'd want to see me. Will you?”

“I doubt he'd want to see me either.”

“Can you blame him?”

“Roma!” Bellamy looked over to where Chet was hovering.

“I'll see you round.” Roma said, moving away from Bellamy, Bellamy somehow doubted it. The rest of his shift past in a haze, his eyes occasionally drifting to the corner Murphy had sat in. When he was finally able to leave he made his way back to Murphy's. He froze when he saw the door pushed ajar. Heart stopping for a moment.

“John?” Bellamy said weakly, pushing it open further so he could peer in. He flinched back at the smell of disinfectant. Eyes sliding around the sparkling room with a sense of dread. “Hello?”

He moved to the bedroom, stomach dropping out when he saw that too had been wiped clean. The bed removed of everything, including the red hoodie Bellamy had left on it that morning. The dvd's were gone from Murphy's draw, along with any other clothes he had.

Bellamy walked back out numbly, fingers brushing over the cards in his pocket. The ark sure did move fast. It hadn't even been 24 hours and they'd already taken everything they owned, no doubt about to put stuff back out for sale.

With nowhere else to go he went back to his own room. Steeling himself with a deep breath before he entered. Octavia was sat at the table opposite their mother, stitching away at a top, her head bobbed up to meet him.

“Bell? What's wrong?” She asked. And wasn't that a loaded question. Bellamy couldn't tell her, it felt wrong to put it on her, he was sure she would feel guilty, would hate that because of her it wasn't safe for Bellamy to be friends with Murphy.

“Nothing.” Bellamy said with an attempt at a smile. “Let me see that.” Bellamy said, snatching the garment from her hands and plopping next to her, he looked over the neat stitches. “You need to keep them the same size if you can, you see how these ones are too long?” Bellamy pointed to a few stitches that stretched further than the others and quickly unpicked it, redoing them equally. “You're doing good though.”

*

Life continued, Bellamy worked, pushing John to the very back of his mind. He got use to his life without him, not that he was particularly fond of it. Roma didn't talk to him again and after a while he stopped seeing her around at all. Miller became as regular a fixture as anyone seemed to be safe to get in Bellamy's life, turning up and standing near Bellamy for his shifts, his boyfriend next to him as the two would try to draw Bellamy into a conversation. He realised after a while that Miller was probably his best friend, but this time It was safe, he didn't have any desire to tell him about Octavia, he'd never let him anywhere near his room if he could help it. Miller never tried to invite Bellamy out anywhere, or back to his room for a game of cards. It was safe, comfortable, familiar enough that he was drowning in loneliness but not so close that he was worried his mother would stop him from seeing him too. He worked his way up through the ranks in guard training, his shot became impeccable. David would look at him with pride, he'd help his mother out when he could and he helped teach Octavia everything she'd need to know to help out too. He'd watch Octavia as she slipped into depression, trying everything he could think of to stop it, he spent whatever money he could scrounge up on films for them to watch. He'd stay up late with her talking about nothing in particular, just trying to keep a smile on their faces. He was doing well, at least, as well as he felt he could do, For a year and a bit

Then Murphy's 18th birthday rolled around and Bellamy took a week off work, hiding in the laundry room to keep away from Octavia and his mother. Miller found him a few times, sitting with him and saying nothing, something Bellamy was glad for. Bellamy had wandered to Murphy's old quarters again and watched as a the new inhabitants wandered out of it with smiles on their faces, unaware, or uncaring, that a boy had lost his mother there.

On Murphy's birthday he'd sat by the airlock, trying to breath as he picked Murphy being dragged round the corner but it never happened. For a moment, he thought perhaps Murphy had been spared, somehow, but then he'd spent the next day wandering the halls, searching for the familiar face in all the place he knew Murphy liked to hang out. When he realised that Murphy wasn't back to wandering around the ship, a free man, he realised that somehow he must have missed It.

Part of him was thankful that he didn't have to watch it, that he hadn't been there only for Murphy to tell him to leave or scream at him before he got placed into the small room. Another part of him wished he had been there, so that Murphy wouldn't have been alone, as it was, Bellamy knew that Murphy would have had Jaha and a few guards there.

When he finally retuned home at the end of the week Octavia hadn't asked where he'd been, or why even though he knew she wanted to. Instead she'd curled up on the bed next to him. Burrowing her face into his back and telling quiet stories to try and distract him from whatever she thought was wrong.

*

He'd like to blame it on the memories of Murphy being too close to the surface that lead him to take Octavia to the unity day party but he knew he'd been thinking of it for years. Of a way to get Octavia out of the room. A way to make her smile.

When he realised he could be working it, he could be there, protecting her, he was all to enthusiastic for signing up. Waiting impatiently to find out if he was going to be working it. When David agreed Bellamy had all but ran from the room, searching the market trying to find a mask fit for Octavia to wear. He found one, that was blue and he felt would cover her face enough for her to be hidden.

The walk back to his room left him bouncing in excitement. He'd stopped, a few turns away, waiting until he knew Aurora would have left for the adults party, he knew he wouldn't be able to hold in the news very long and if Aurora knew she would never let him take her.

He'd watched with a bright smile as Octavia stepped towards the window, taking her first look at a moonrise. Finally, he'd done something right. Her smile was mesmerising, her eyes sparkling with wonder that made Bellamy want to cheer. He'd made her happy. Really truly happy, he'd gotten her out of her room. Even if the night had to end right then he would have been satisfied and he was sure she would too. Just those few moments would have made all the difference, would have kept her smiling for months.

But the night didn't end there.

Bellamy had watched her for what felt like hours. Smiling like an idiot as she spun in circles and danced around with the other people. She didn't talk to anyone, but, that was probably a good thing. He didn't want her to get attached to anyone, by the end of the night they'd have to go back to the room and hiding away. Bellamy would have to go back to pretending he wasn't fully aware of exactly what it was his mom did with some of the fellow guards to keep the surprise inspections not actually surprises at all. It would be okay, in a year, he would be a fully fledged guard, not just a cadet, he could find out himself when the inspections where.

Bellamy felt happier than he had in almost two years, and he knew the same could be said for Octavia.

And then a solar flare had started and the guards had come and everything had fallen apart. Bellamy was ready to 'make a distraction' he knew it wouldn't end well from him but he was okay with that. Octavia would be safe, back in the room and his mother would be there to take care of her.

“Bell, how do I get home?” Bellamy was sure those words would haunt him forever, the moment where he realised exactly how much trouble they were in.

He could barely think as the guards caught Octavia. As she looked to him with pure terror in her eyes as if asking what to do. There was nothing they could do, he wouldn't be able to fight off that many guards. Even if they did, what then, he couldn't take Octavia back home, they would look there, rip the place apart brick by brick to figure out why Bellamy had been with a girl no one knew.

They hadn't bothered with the skybox. Shumway had left, radioing someone and it seemed to be seconds before Bellamy was standing before the airlock watching his mother plead for her life. Hugging Octavia to her chest as she cried.

Bellamy's eyes searched behind him. For a moment he was stupid enough to hope to see Murphy, standing at the end of the corridor where Bellamy had been all those years ago. Watching Bellamy loose his family the way Bellamy had watched it happen to him. Of course he wasn't there, he was gone, sent out into space like his mother was about to be. He turned back at a broken sob, swallowing the bile in his throat as the guards pulled Aurora away from Octavia. Guards he'd spent time training with. Guards who use to look at him with small smiles and tell him good job when he got through a day without incident.

Aurora stumbled towards him, arms wrapping so tightly around him it stole his breath. He wanted to hug back, wanted to draw her in and sob into her shoulder but he couldn't, his throat was closing in on itself, his hands shaking by his side.

He'd done this.

This was his fault.

Why was she hugging him/? why was she whispering that she loved him? Octavia couldn't even look at him, he deserved the same from his mother, not a tight embrace and a heartfelt goodbye.

“I'm sorry.” The words rasped past the lump in his throat, his hand barely patting her back before Aurora was being pulled away and shoved into the air lock. He wanted to fight, to scream, to break down the slowly closing doors and refuse to let them take her away but he couldn't move. Octavia did, stumbling forwards only to be held back by David Miller, holding her gently and looking to Bellamy for help as the young girl screamed for her mother.

Jaha gave the guard at a control panel a nod.

Her body was sucked out in less than a second, gone into the vacuum of space. Octavia's scream echoed in his ears. His own never made it out, stuck in his throat leaving him choking on it.

“Take her to the skybox.” Jaha said gently.

“Don't, please.” Bellamy begged. Octavia didn't fight, she let them lead her away as Bellamy watched helplessly. Her eyes met his for a second, face streaked with tears, mask still hanging around her neck, before her eyes fell to the airlock behind him and she hung her head, going limp in the guards arms letting them all but carry her out.

“You're free to go.” Jaha said before he was walking away without as much as a glance backwards. David didn't say anything, his hand landed gently on Bellamy's shoulder, gripping it for a moment, a small sign of comfort before he was leaving too. The click of his shoes on metal fading away until all that was left was Bellamy standing in an empty hall, the machine hum echoing around him. His eyes moved back to the air lock. His mother was dead, Octavia would be in a year and a half. The next time he saw her would probably be her sentencing.

He keeled over, clammy hands pressing against the cool metal floor but he barely felt it, his body arching as he gagged up bile. As he tried to heave in breath, to tell himself he was alive. That he needed to breath but he couldn't, it was like that ability had been taken away when his mother stopped breathing.

He knew he was suppose to be happy they let him live. That he should be thankful that they'd decided that he shouldn't be punished for his mothers crime but he wished they had. Wished he'd been locked in their with his mother. It would have been less painful. He remembered Murphy's last words to him 'I hope you float' and he wished, more than anything, that he could. Maybe he could, no one would care, no one would find him until it was too late.

Bellamy wasn't sure how long he sat there, spitting bile across the floor and leaning back against the wall feeling empty but by the time he pushed himself up the moon had set and Bellamy knew once Octavia was gone there was nothing left. He wondered if they'd be kind enough to do it for him. To let him step into the airlock with Octavia so that neither of them had to go alone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all of the support on this story and for everyone who's been commenting :)  
> WE'RE SO CLOSE TO THE GROUND NOW GUYS!


	9. The pain of parting

 

Miller tried, over the next few months to talk to Bellamy, to pull him out of the hell he was living in but it didn't help. Bellamy was barely grunting at him, counting down the days to Octavia's birthday, a sick sense of relief in him as it got closer at the thought that finally he'd be able to just be gone.

And then Miller had gotten arrested for breaking into Kane's office, why, Bellamy had no idea. Maybe he would have, if he'd talked to him when Miller had tried. He thought of Murphy, his body floating through the endless abyss that was space. Of his mother as she begged for them not to kill her, of Octavia. So pale as she watched the whole thing, soon to be joining their mother in space. Everyone he cared about, everyone he'd ever cared about was either dead or in the skybox waiting to die.

*

When shumway came to him Bellamy finally truly understood Murphy's hatred of Jaha, he understood burning down Jamesons quarters. His finger itched on the gun, wanting to pull the trigger, to let the lead fly through the air, the way shumways head would snap back before he fell to the floor, watch the blood leak across the squeaky clean metal he spent his recent life cleaning. But then shumway was saying about a chance, a chance to be with Octavia again.

He knew, realistically the chances of him making it to the drop ship were low, the chances of the earth being survivable even lower, but it didn't stop him from lowering the gun and saying he'd do it. If, somehow, the earth was already survivable Octavia would need him down there. And if not, well, Bellamy really had nothing to loose.

*

Jaha tried to talk him down, he raised his hands and spoke in a low tone but Bellamy couldn't hear past the ringing in his ears the chant of your sister your responsibility. He could see Jaha nodding to the guard, not even saying word as he ripped Bellamy's whole life away from him and he pulled the trigger with a shaking hand. Watched as Jaha's eyes widened, his hands grabbing at his stomach where thick red blood begun to pump from the wound, as Jaha fell to the floor.

He walked away, not looking back, gun stashed in his waist band heart thundering in his chest.

_Octavia, Octavia, Octavia_ The walk to the drop ship seemed to take no time at all. He walked past the line of delinquents, ducking his head away from the Council members watching them walk into the dropship like pigs to slaughter.

Before he knew it he was pushing a girl he'd never seen before into one of the seats of the lower deck. His eyes swivelled around the ship, looking for the familiar head of hair as he hid himself amongst the terrified delinquents. The door closed and while everyone else seemed to inhale sharply, realising that it was really happening they were really being sent away, probably to die, Bellamy released a sigh of relief. He'd done it, he'd gotten onto the dropship. He'd get to see O again if they didn't die on their way down.

Bellamy was the first out of his seat after the rocky landing, moving over to the doors nerves on fire, body buzzing as he ordered everyone back, wanting to get the doors open, to get the teary faced delinquents out of the metal contraption, to make the fear stop.

It felt like someone had punched him in the chest when he heard Octavia's voice. He turned slowly, spotting her instantly hanging from the ladder. As she walked towards him he remembered the last time they saw each other and the fact that perhaps O wouldn't want to see him again. She crushed that fear quickly, throwing herself into his arms like she use to do when she was younger and he got back from a long day of school. He wanted to sink into the moment, to have it last forever but of course, he had a bunch of inpatient delinquents around and so within a minute he was pulling the lever and letting the door fall open.

The light was blinding for a moment before he could see Octavia again, walking out of the drop ship, stopping for a moment before she hopped onto the ground, a puff of dirt coming from the bright green leaves covering the area.

“We're back bitches!” Bellamy laughed with the others, rushing forwards towards his baby sister as she turned to him with a blinding smile that made all of it seem worth it. Bellamy reached for her, pulling her in again, tugging her close to his chest. He didn't say anything, couldn't think of what he could say, nothing seemed enough. He just let himself breath, in and out, for the first time in what felt like an eternity.

They'd made it to the ground, Octavia wouldn't be floated. The radiation hadn't killed them yet. They would be okay. He blinked back the tears in his eyes, squashing a laughing Octavia in his arms.

His eyes were suddenly draw to a flash of brown hair rushing past them.

He thought Murphy had already floated, had been so sure of it. So when Bellamy recognised the familiar body he felt his throat catch, his grip faltering on Octavia, arms falling to his sides as he took an aborted step forwards. Eyes running over the man. He was taller now, sharper. All angles and points. Bellamy took another step forwards and that seemed to draw Murphy's attention to him. His eyes snapping over to Bellamy and narrowing. He didn't look shocked, although, thinking about it, he wouldn't, Bellamy had been right at the front of the dropship focused only on Octavia, the kid could have been standing right behind him and he wouldn't have noticed.

Bellamy's mouth hung open, his body felt like it was on fire, all nerves buzzing to life and leaving Bellamy ready to sprint over and tackle Murphy into a hug, Drag him over and finally introduce him to O. Murphy seemed to have other plans. His lip curled in a sneer, eyes sweeping from Bellamy to Octavia stood just behind him, anger flashing across his face before he turned, A flock of boys following him as he marched through the camp like he owned it, away from Bellamy and Octavia.

Bellamy moved his eyes away from the head of brown hair, disappearing off into the tree's with excited shouts and back to Octavia. She didn't seem to have noticed anything,too busy looking at the world around them.

“You good?” Bellamy croaked.. Her face was glowed with the light of the sun. Her eyes sparkling in a way Bellamy had never seen before and It made his heart lift. He'd screwed up, he'd gotten their mother killed, but now Octavia was free, she was on the ground and smiling so big it must have hurt her face. For a moment he forgot the death of his mother, about the fact he wouldn't be able to stay once the ark came down to join them and just enjoyed it. The feeling of actual fresh air brushing across his skin, the way Octavia's hair fluttered in the wind and the cheers from everyone around. He couldn't however forget about Murphy.

It took him what felt like hours and Octavia leaving camp before he finally stopped just watching Murphy out of the corner of his eye and actually walked over to him.

“You spelt die wrong geniuses.” Wells said, shoving through Murphy and his friend. Bellamy couldn't help but smirk as he looked to the threat scratched into the drop ship wall. Murphy stayed silent, for most of it, watching him with distrustful eyes, it was painfully obvious to Bellamy that Murphy didn't want to talk to Bellamy, but still, for some reason he agreed to help Bellamy run the place.

“Names Mbege.” Murphy's friend said, tilting his chin up at Bellamy, a small smirk lifting on his lips. “This is Murphy.”

“Murphy.” Bellamy repeated, eyes trailing down to Murphy who was still just watching, he raised an eyebrow slowly.

“Murphy.” He finally repeated. “And you are?” He asked dryly. Bellamy fought back the flinch at that.

“Bellamy.” Bellamy forced out, narrowing his eyes at Murphy. “Why don't you start on the wrist bands.” He ordered. Mbege nodded, Murphy took off around Bellamy, swaggering back towards the others of camp. “Murphy. Can we talk for a second?” Bellamy called. Murphy froze, looking to Mbege for a moment before he gave a stiff nod and swung back round. He muttered something to Mbege before the man walked off. “It's good to see you.” Bellamy said quietly as he moved closer to Murphy.

“Likewise.” Murphy drawled sarcastically, hand rubbing at his nose, eyes flickering around. Bellamy shifted from foot to foot. Looking around for something that would tell him what to say here.

“Are we good?” Bellamy eventually came out with.

“That's it?” Murphy said tonelessly. Bellamy struggled once more to find words, mouth gaping soundlessly. “Guess you finally needed that lap dog didn't you?”

“John-”

“It's Murphy.” Murphy corrected. “Don't worry Chancellor Blake. I'll do my part in whatever you're trying to pull.” Bellamy must have looked relieved because Murphy's face flashed in anger. “That just means I hate you less than Mini Jaha and believe me, you only just made lost that competition.” Murphy hissed in his face before stalking away.

“So we're not good then?” Bellamy shouted. Murphy answered with his middle finger and a stiff 'go float yourself'.

“Well..that could have went better.” Bellamy jumped when he heard the voice behind him. Spinning round he spotted Miller, leaning against the dropship and grinning at him.

“You don't say.”

“I think, that perhaps, he was expecting an apology.” Miller offered.

“I've done nothing wrong.” Bellamy huffed.

“You told me exactly what you did, it didn't exactly sound right.”

“I was protecting Octavia.”

“mhm.” Miller hummed, tilting his face up into the sunlight.

“Why didn't you tell me he was still alive when I came to visit you?” Bellamy asked.

“You never asked.” Miller said calmly. “So what's this I hear about wrist bands?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it :)


	10. Whatever the hell we want

Bellamy's eyes slid from the trees, looking for any sign of Octavia coming back to Murphy. Mbege stood next to him as he plastered what looked like a fake smile on his face and talked to some kid.

“You know, there's a point where lovingly watching someone just turns creepy and obsessive.” A voice said from behind him. “You past that point about an hour ago.” Bellamy turned, raising an eyebrow at the girl. She stood next to him, a smirk lifting on her lips as she copied a guards pose like she did last time they talked.

“Roomba.” Bellamy said dryly. “I thought when you disappeared you were just avoiding me, didn't realise you were a criminal. Tell me Chet wasn't on that drop ship as well.” Roma laughed even as her face twisted in anger.

“No. He stole then let me take the fall for him.”

“How sweet.” Bellamy murmured, looking back to Murphy who was removing the wrist band from the guy he and Mbege had been talking to.

“Jokes on him, I'm on earth and he's stuck up there.” She pointed towards the bright sky. “So, are you going to keep staring or are you going to man up and go make your love confession.”

“It's not..there won't be any love confessions.” Bellamy grumbled. Murphy looked to him as if he could feel Bellamy's gaze, he raised the wrist band in a mocking salute before throwing it to the floor. Murphy nudged Mbege, nodding towards Bellamy and Roma before they started making their way over. Mbege leaned into Murphy in a way Bellamy felt was too close, their heads almost touching as the taller man said something. Murphy's lips quirked in a smile, a laugh bubbling out as he slapped Mbege's chest playfully. Bellamy's jaw clenched, shifting where he stood.

“You sure about that?” Roma asked. Bellamy shot her a dark look.

“Roma, nice to see you.” Murphy drawled, coming to a stop in front of them.

“No need to lie. What do you want?”

“Just to get that bracelet off you.” Murphy said, eyes sweeping to Murphy. “The new chancellor here commanded it.”

“Well, what Bellamy wants Bellamy gets.” Roma said, holding out her wrist and smiling up at Bellamy. Murphy moved forwards, grabbing her wrist.

“This might hurt.” Murphy said unapologetically, he used a piece of metal to pry to wrist band off.

“Watch it.” Roma snapped as the bracelet clicked off, falling to the floor leaving her wrist dotted in small specks of blood.

“Sorry.” Murphy drawled. Not looking at all sorry.

“There's Lark, reckon he'll take his off no problem.” Mbege muttered, nodding to a boy walking through camp. “we should-”

“You know you could get more off if you split up.” Bellamy said quickly. “No point both of you going to the same person.”

“Whatever you say.” Murphy said, inclining his head in a mocking bow. Over the next 24 hours it was all too obvious to Bellamy that Murphy was only being a good little solider to try and piss him off. Maybe he knew that each time he'd look to Bellamy with a satisfied grin and boast about a new bracelet off it left Bellamy with an ache in his chest because instead of sticking around to talk he'd move away again, usually to Mbege.

And so Bellamy kept himself busy, he ordered people to start setting up tents from bits of the parachute. He found girls practically throwing themselves at him. Roma amongst them, something he didn't find he minded all that much.

Still, even if it was in some strange plan to piss Bellamy off Bellamy had to admit he quite liked the way Murphy would look to him for approval.

Not everyone seemed to think the same. Wells Jaha amongst them.

He knew he should have stopped the fight before it went as far as it did, but well, in a way it felt good, watching Murphy tackle Wells to the floor with Bellamy watching over him, like they were back on the ark and by the time Murphy pulled out a knife the crowd had formed and well, they wanted a fight so Bellamy let them have it.

He regretted it moments later when Wells had Murphy with a knife to his throat. Anyone else would have taken that as a total defeat, ran away with their tail between their legs to lick their wounds. Instead Murphy came back, moving for Wells forcing Bellamy to step in-between them.

“Enough Murphy.” Bellamy ordered, gripping Murphy's shoulders and forcing him to move backwards, away from Wells. He held Murphy's shoulders still until Murphy was forced to look away from Wells and to him. “Enough Murphy.” Bellamy repeated. Murphy's lips pulled up in a snarl but he gave a short nod. Shrugging out of Bellamy's grip.

*

Before long the group had learnt of the threat of grounders and Bellamy was making the selfish choice to keep hiding, to keep Murphy and the others on their missions to get rid of the wrist bands. Screw the people on the ark, they would figure something out with the air, they always did. Bellamy had to worry about his sister, about Murphy, and if there were other people on the ground he couldn't do that if the guard came down and arrested him for murder.

Bellamy moved away from the crowd still watching as Clarke stormed off up the hill towards the drop ship. He hooked an arm around Octavia, taking the weight off her injured leg. His eyes fell back on Murphy, Still standing glaring at Wells.

“Murphy I need a hand.” Bellamy lied. Murphy turned from Wells slowly, his eyes running between him and Octavia. He gave a stiff nod, spitting blood onto the ground before he walked over and took Octavia's other side.

“I don't need help. I'm pretty sure he's more beat up than me.” Octavia said. Murphy snorted, spitting out another glob of blood.

“Tough, you're getting it.” Bellamy begun walking, forcing Octavia and Murphy to move with him. “You need to stay away from Wells.” Bellamy said, looking over Octavia to Murphy. His lips twitched in a crude smile.

“Yeah. I'll do that.”

“He's trained better than you are. He'll just beat you again.”

“So far I've managed to hurt his leg and cut him with my knife. I think I'll be okay.”

“He had a knife to your throat.” Bellamy said. “He could have killed you. Anyone else would have.” The words didn't seem to matter to Murphy. Barely even phased him. “You've changed.” Bellamy noted, the boy tensed. Eyes flickering to Bellamy.

“Three years does that.” He let go of Octavia. Bellamy sighed, sitting her down carefully on a log before he was turning back to Murphy.

“I'm serious. You've got to live with him, At least for now, if what the princess says is true about there being people on the ground we've got bigger problems.”

“Whatever you say boss.”

“I'm trying to look out for you.” Bellamy said.

“Well that'd be a first.”

“John-”

“My names Murphy.” Murphy growled.

“Asshole.” Bellamy muttered and turned back to Octavia, jaw ticking as he yanked up her trouser leg to get a look at the wound he knew was there but her hand on his stopped him. He looked up for an explantation but she was staring at Murphy with wide eyes, mouth gaping open. Her eyes shifted to Bellamy, then back to Murphy, rinse and repeat.

“Murphy go get me something to bandage this up with.” Bellamy ordered, nerves bubbling in his stomach. Murphy walked off without a reply.

“John?” She said, eyes following Murphy. “Jesus Bell is he John?”

“You spent a year with him in the skybox O, you should know his name by now.”

“I mean _the_ John, he is, isn't he? He said three years, that's when you stopped talking about John and you're trying to look out for him and-”

“Yes. That's..Yeah. He's John.” Bellamy admitted sheepishly.

“So that's why you stopped being friends, because he was arrested.” Octavia said, Bellamy shifted uncomfortably.

“Not exactly. He was arrested after we stopped talking.”

“Wait, then what happened?” Octavia asked.

“I'm pretty sure I've told you before I don't want to talk about it-”

“That was years ago. And that was before I knew that Murphy was John, I mean. It's Murphy, he doesn't have friends, he's a dick. What the hell happened?”

Bellamy sighed. Eyes running across the trees around them. It was different now, Octavia wouldn't have to feel guilty, they were talking again, sort of. She had her own life to deal with, she would have friends to talk to.

“I bought him home.” Bellamy admitted, eyes falling to her leg and the tooth marks. “A little bit after unity day.”

“You said I dreamt hearing someone.” Octavia said stiffly. “He came and you didn't even tell me? Why would you-”

“Because Mom found out. She came back before he left. When me and Mom talked that night she told me I couldn't see him anymore.”

“Why? What exactly did she walk in on?” Octavia gasped. Bellamy had a minute of shock where he realised what exactly she thought might have happened. Gaping at his little sister.

“Nothing!” Bellamy objected. “We were playing cards! Jesus O. Mom pointed out what could have happened if he'd seen you. If he told someone. I couldn't put you in danger and she said the only to stop that was to stop talking to him.”

“So what? Mom told you to stop talking to him and you did?”

“Pretty much.”

“That actually makes a lot of sense.” Bellamy's eyes moved back to hers. Shoulders drooping in relief when realised she was feeling guilty or upset. That she understood why Bellamy agreed with it and wasn't judging him. “Not that, you stopping talking to his was stupid even for you.” or, perhaps she was. “But I mean, how he acted with me in the skybox.”

“What did he do?” Bellamy asked, looking round ready to launch himself at Murphy the second he reappeared.

“Nothing. At all. Everyone else talked about me all the time. The girl who hid under the floor, they'd ask me about it, make jokes, but Murphy... It was like he hated me, he'd barely even look at me.”

“How does that make sense?” Bellamy asked. Feeling a burn of disappointment in his chest. He'd found himself hoping that maybe Murphy had looked out for Octavia in the skybox over the past day of knowing they'd been there together.

“You just stopped talking to him didn't you? no explanation, no fazing out period. Just stopped.”

“I may have insulted him a bit too.” He admitted.

“Of course you did.” she said with a dramatic eye roll. “You were friends for, like ever. And you cut him out with no explanation then he finds out you had this huge secret the entire time you were friends. I wouldn't want to have anything to do with you either.”

“Thanks.” Bellamy said dryly.

“Whys he even near you? That kid holds grudges.”

“Because, I'm a brilliant leader.” Bellamy said. Octavia snorted, opening her mouth, ready to say something else when a rag suddenly hit Bellamy's face. He turned to see Murphy stomping back over.

“That should work.” he said with a smirk. Moving to stand behind Bellamy, looking over the trees as if keeping guard. Bellamy watched him for a moment before he turned back to Octavia.

“What was it anyway?” He asked, tying the rag around the wound. Octavia's eyes moved away from Murphy slowly, back to her leg and she winced.

“The others said it looked like a giant snake.”

“It could have killed you O.” Bellamy sighed.

*

Being whisked away on a rescue mission was far from fun, something Murphy seemed to know. Asking him why, and honestly, Bellamy should have taken someone else. True, Murphy had been the best of his men so far, but he hated Jaha, he had bruises blossoming across his face and blood still drying on him and he was needling Bellamy for answers.

“I'm getting that wrist band, even if I have to cut her arm off.” Bellamy said stiffly. Murphy fell into step beside him, a smirk on his face, he looked to him. Eyes sweeping over him, cool and calculating.

“You've changed.” Murphy said dryly, before he was further picking up his pace leaving Bellamy walking alone.

Later, Bellamy walked along with Wells, watching Spacewalker and the princess, Murphy strutted ahead of the pair. Eyes occasionally flickering back to the two leaving Bellamy smirking. For someone who didn't care about him he was sure checking on him a lot. The second Wells had gotten close to Bellamy earlier Murphy was there, shoving him away, protecting him.

He felt bad for Wells, from what he could tell the guy was actually pretty decent. Like Bellamy he'd done something awful so he could come down to protect someone he cared about. Unfortunately for him it didn't work out quite as well as Bellamy's had. Octavia, surprisingly, had actually been glad to see him. Clarke with wells, not so much and well. Bellamy could understand that, Maybe he hadn't come down for Murphy, but being shunned by him stung. He was invisible to Murphy like Wells was to Clarke but it wasn't the same. For a moment he could see a future where he and Wells sat next to each other. Watching Murphy and Clarke while Mbege and Finn took up all their attention. Bellamy shook the image out of his head.

“Seriously, what's the deal with you and the princess?” Bellamy asked. “how come she's looking at you like you shot her puppy.”

“I could ask you the same about him.” Wells mumbled, nodding forwards to Murphy.

“Long story.” Bellamy grumbled.

“So's mine.” Wells said stiffly. “You know he's a dangerous criminal right?” He added.

“Aren't we all.” Bellamy said with a smirk. Wells frowned. “Murphy's walking Karma, if you're good to him he's good to you.”

“I've never done anything-”

“Your father murdered his. He can't punish the chancellor but he can punish you.”

“My father was doing his job.”

“And people like Murphy pay for that.”

“If his father didn't break the law then-”

“His father stole medicine because you people wouldn't give it to him.” Bellamy snapped. “We do our jobs, same as you. We work just as hard, if not harder. We fix your fancy clothes and serve your food but we don't get the same treatment. If it was you, or princess, that were ill you would have been given the medicine you needed but no, it was a kid from factory station and well, who cares if a few of us dropped off as long as the alpha kids are safe and happy.”

“That's not how it works.”

“It is. You just didn't see it because you were protected from it.” Bellamy said stiffly. Wells fell into silence. Clarke and Finn veered off into the trees. Murphy's feet crunched loudly against the fallen twigs.

*

Bellamy thought about letting her drop. Murphy wouldn't say anything. She wouldn't be around to tell anyone what really happened. Wells and Finn, well, his hand could have slipped, sweaty palms made him loose his grip. It wouldn't be unheard of.

The ark wouldn't come down. He would be free to live on the ground, not worrying about the repercussions of his actions on the ark. Not having to run in fear of being killed. He doubted Octavia would want to come with him, she'd been hiding all her life, a chance to be free of that, to be part of the general society, to have a home that she could enter and leave at her will. He wouldn't ask her to give that up, not for him, not after everything he'd done.

If he dropped her he'd be safe, he'd have his family.

“Pull her up!” Arms were appearing from all around him, grabbing at Clarke. Murphy was there first, hands pressing against Bellamy's side as if he was about to pull him away from the trap and to safety before they slid off. Down to Clarke's wrist. Bellamy grit his teeth, hauling the young woman up out of the ditch with the others help.

He shifted, swallowing the lump in his throat and looking to Clarke who was looking back at him, eyes wide.

She knew he'd thought about dropping her.

*

When Bellamy realised he didn't have the gun any more he first thought of Murphy, hands sliding along his waist before he grabbed Clarke, that perhaps this was why Murphy was being the dutiful little solider. So he could lure Bellamy into a situation like this and then have a giant panther eat him alive.

And then Wells was pulling out the gun and Bellamy realised that perhaps what he'd said to Wells on the way had more of an impact than he thought. He was proud of the guy, for taking a stand. For making himself be seen, but he also wished it didn't involve stealing his gun just before they were attacked. Bellamy didn't even have time to shield himself properly. Waiting for the impact of the panther to slam into him when a final gunshot rung out. The beast crashed to the floor with a thump.

“Now she sees you.” Was the first thing Bellamy managed to say, his legs feeling about ready to give out, heart pounding a mile a minute leaving him breathless. The spent gun dropped to the floor and Bellamy felt a hysterical grin creeping across his face when he realised he was alive.

“Good shot.” Murphy's voice rang out through the now quiet clearing. Bellamy would have laughed at the shock on Wells's face at the compliment from Murphy had he not been just as shocked, head snapping round to Murphy to find him already looking at him, face unusually pale. “You good?”

Bellamy gave a stiff nod, staring blankly at the boy who's eyes were sweeping over him frantically as if looking for a wound. He realised with a jolt that Murphy was worried. About him. The smile on his face widened.

“You worried about me John?” Bellamy said.

“Its Murphy.” Murphy grumbled, checking him one last time before he turned back to Jasper. Bellamy smiled at his back, ducking his head to hide it when he saw wells's raised eyebrow.

Within no time Jasper was down on the ground. Bellamy and the others hovering over him as Clarke did a quick check.

“You reckon we can eat this?” Bellamy looked up from Jasper and spotted Murphy, crouching by the panther poking at it with a stick. Wells moved over to him, Murphy tensed at the sight of the boy moving to squat beside him, eyeing the beast.

“It's a good idea.” Wells hummed. “Long way back to camp though. Do you think we could carry this and Jasper?” Wells asked,.

“We could always leave Jasper.” Murphy said. Bellamy hid his smile as the others shot the boy a dark look. “Relax. It was a joke.”

“Funny joke.” Finn said dryly.

“Help me.” Murphy ordered, moving to Clarke's bag and hauling out the tarp she'd bought for carrying Jasper.

“That's for Jasper.” Clarke said.

“He'll be a hell of a lot easier to carry without it than this would.” Murphy said, kicking the panther, throwing half of the tarp at Bellamy and laying it down next to the beast, Bellamy followed his lead, laying the tarp out like a picnic blanket. “Grab it's legs.” Murphy grabbed it's front paws while Bellamy grabbed the hind ones. Grunting in effort as he lifted the animal up and struggled to swing it the small distance onto the tarp. He crouched next to it. Wells hovering between them. Bellamy eyed the claws on it's paws, long and slightly hooked, razor sharp and perfect for slicing skin apart like it was nothing. Bellamy held back a shiver at the though of what it would have felt like had Wells shot a moment later.

“You okay?” Murphy asked, noticing the wince Bellamy did.

“So you were worried about me?” Bellamy asked. Murphy shot him a dark look.

“Piss off Bellamy.” Murphy grunted, standing up and turning away. And Bellamy knew he should, but he'd been good for an entire day, not trying to needle Murphy into talking to him, much.

“No come on. Just admit it. You were worried, what about this we-” Bellamy sung.

“Just fuck off!” Murphy snapped, loud enough to draw the attention of the others. Bellamy shifted uncomfortably as their eyes landed on the two of them. Murphy's cheeks flushed with anger. “You don't have to talk to me because we're both here. I'm working for you alright, I'll do your damn bidding but don't ask me to-” Murphy ranted tiredly.

“John-”

“It's Murphy! You threw me away Bellamy. If you wanted to be friends, if you wanted to be allowed to call me John then maybe you shouldn't have ignored me when my mom died, or let me get arrested or visited me once in the three fucking years I was locked up.” Even as Murphy was talking Bellamy could see the kid he knew breaking through, the pain in his eyes, the betrayal written clearly over his face. Bellamy's joy at getting Murphy talking vanished.

“Murph-”

“I had no one, not a single visitor. Every other kid had someone who wanted to see them and you knew that I was alone but you didn't come. Not even to apologise, or ask why I got arrested.” Murphy said. Bellamy shifted uncomfortably, wishing that Wells and the others weren't right there, heads bouncing between the two like they were watching a tennis match. Murphy didn't seem to care. “And then suddenly it's going around that you have a sister and I thought then you'd come, ask me how she was since you couldn't see her. But no, you waited another three months until Miller was arrested and visited him within two days.” Murphy seethed. “You didn't care about me on the ark, you made that obvious, so don't pretend to give a shit down here just because you want me there for everyone to hate so they don't look at all the shit you're doing.” Murphy stopped, running a hand through his hair and breathing in a shaky breath, his face shuttered off again. “Lets go. Before the grounders come.” Murphy ducked back down, grabbing the tarp that held the panther. “Jaha, get the other end and lets go.” Wells's eyes flickered to Bellamy before he nodded and grabbed the other end of the Panther.

“Murphy come on-”

“Go float yourself Blake.” Murphy growled, stalking away, Wells forced to follow. Clarke jogged after them, probably not fond of the idea of Wells being left alone with an angry Murphy.

“Help me with him.” Bellamy snapped. Hoisting Jasper up. Finn took his other arm and leg and they started walking. Bellamy rushed for them to catch up with the others, falling into step behind Murphy.

“I thought you were dead.” Bellamy said. Murphy faltered for a moment before he pushed on. “You lied about your age. I thought they'd floated you.”

“So you didn't even come say hi when you thought I was about to die. I'm touched.” Murphy grumbled.

“Maybe we can talk about this later.” Clare suggested tentatively.

“That's a great idea.” Murphy said, once again picking up his pace. Bellamy had to admit, he was fairly impressed with Murphy's ability to speed walk over uneven terrain while carrying a 200 pound panther.

With a sigh Bellamy let himself slow down his pace, the distance between Murphy and Bellamy growing as Murphy to continued to storm off ahead.

By the time they got back to camp Murphy's anger at Bellamy had cooler down enough for him to order Bellamy onto holding the other end of the panther. Clarke and the others kept their mouths shut about what they over heard. Too busy rushing Jasper to the drop ship.

Bellamy and Murphy were met like kings as they dropped the panther onto the floor. Octavia was grinning and hugging into his side. They dolled out the food with only a few small incidents and then Murphy was leaving his side all too quickly.

“You could just apologise for cutting him out.” Miller said as the two sat by the dwindling fire. Bellamy forced his eyes away from Murphy.

“I was protecting Octavia, I have nothing to apologise for.” Bellamy huffed.

“I think he thinks you do.”

“He wouldn't accept an apology anyway.”

“You sure?”

“I don't know.” Bellamy said shifting guiltily. He thought Murphy wouldn't see him in the skybox, but he'd made it clear that he'd at least thought about the idea of Bellamy coming to visit.

“You miss him. Just go talk-”

“He's changed. I've changed, we wouldn't even..” Bellamy trailed off, fully aware that he was making excuses. He didn't want to talk to Murphy, he didn't want to see the hurt in his eyes that shone through whenever Bellamy would try to bring up something about the past. Didn't want to try and work it out only for Murphy to still reject him at every turn. He could handle Murphy how he was now, but knowing that Murphy knew everything and still didn't want to talk to him, to be friends again, well, Bellamy wasn't sure if he could bare that.

Murphy had said Bellamy had changed and It was true. Bellamy could handle the new version of Murphy he met. He was a lot like the John Bellamy had known from the ark, just rougher around the edges, with even less of a filter, a bit colder, but still the same underneath it all. But Murphy, he'd seen the look he'd given him when Bellamy had punched the kid trying to get food without giving up his wristband, the hesitation, confusion, what if he didn't like Bellamy as he was now.

Bellamy watched the delinquents as they moved around the camp, all happy, running around, tearing into their food and laughing with their friends. His eyes fell back to Murphy, leaning into Mbege's side as he chuckled under his breath. His mind flashed back to Murphy's face earlier that day. The pain coursing through his expression, the accusation. What, Bellamy thought, were you meant to do when you lived in a society that lived by 'whatever the hell we want' and the only thing you wanted didn't want you.

 


	11. Blood on my name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a short one this time, sorryyy but i'll try and upload another one later tonight to make up for it!!

If someone had told Bellamy that he would end up on the ground with Octavia and Murphy at his side then he would have pictured them happy, imagined it would be filled with laughter, with them doing typical 'earth' things that you weren't able to do on the ark. Building sand castles, playing it running through green forests, placing flowers in Octavia's hair while he braided it, holding Murphy down to do the same despite the boy thrashing and telling him off for it, he would have thought they'd be learning to swim, splashing around in the shallows and perhaps watching bunny rabbits hop through fields. True, his mind had made it somewhat like a cheesy Disney movie but, well, who could blame him.

In reality it was nothing like that.

Jaspers screams from inside the drop ship had set the whole camp on edge. Octavia was pissed at him because of what he did to Atom and Murphy was seemingly always next to him but never actually _with_ him. His eyes always moving over to Mbege, raising an eyebrow making Mbege snort as if he'd told some funny joke leaving Bellamy on edge wishing he understood what the hell was so funny and why the only jokes Murphy ever made around Bellamy seemed to be at his sisters expense and honestly after three days of it Bellamy was aching to get the hell away from both her and Murphy for a few hours.

Hunting was the perfect excuse and so he thought nothing of leaving Murphy at camp alone and he was more than happy about dragging Atom with him, even if it was mainly to keep him away from Octavia.

He regretted that when he was kneeling next to Atom's body, watching Clarke in awe as she hummed him into a final sleep. Fingers carding slow through his hair, tears glistening in her eyes. Bellamy wished he could do something, say something to make it easier for Atom but he couldn't. The blood drained from the wound onto the ground around them.

The walk back to camp felt too long and too short all at once. At fist he hadn't wanted to get back, not wanting to see Octavia's reaction to Atom's death. It was only then he realised that maybe the acid fog hadn't just affected the woods they were in. That it could have spanned far enough to reach camp. Bellamy started walking faster, heart in his throat as he thought about arriving back to find the camp in ruins. Body's burnt and blistered like atoms scattered across the floor.

He only slowed down again when he heard the roar of life from camp. The voices fluttering through the breeze, the spark of fire light glowing on the trees. Bellamy found himself acutely aware of Atoms blood staining his hands from when they were wrapping him up so they could move his body. His hands swiped roughly on his trousers, trying to rub it away. It came off easily, easier than he felt it should have. He thought it should stain, stick to his fingers as a constant reminder that he hadn't saved him but it came off in dry flakes, cracking and dropping to the floor.

Usually, at the sight of Octavia he would find himself relaxing, knowing she was okay, that he was there to protect her. In a way, he still did, there was still the rush of relief as he looked through camp and saw Murphy hovering off to the side and Octavia rushing forwards, knowing they were safe. That was nice, knowing what Octavia was about to find out. That left his stomach churning and his mind reeling. Trying to think of some way to stop it.

He tried, at the very least he could protect her from actually seeing Atom's body. She'd have a grave to mourn over, better than what they ever got for the dead on the ark. But Octavia didn't listen to his pleas. Just shoved him off and pulled back the cover on Atom's face.

Bellamy watched Octavia leave with a lump in his throat. She blamed him. He knew she blamed him, how could she not, he blamed himself. Movement came from his left, Murphy swaggering forwards, seemingly unbothered by the body by their feet. Bellamy sniffed, trying to keep himself steady as he looked towards Murphy, fresh bruises and cuts on his face that Bellamy couldn't deal with at that moment.

_I can't do this right now_ he thought tiredly.

“Loose anyone here?” Bellamy asked, looking away, he didn't want to see the cold indifference Murphy had been regarding him with since they touched down on earth. He just wanted to leave, to go and sleep and try to pretend the day had never happened.

“No.” Murphy said.

“Jasper?” Bellamy remembered his promise and realised with a sick jolt that if he was still alive and not improving Bellamy would have to kill him the next morning.

“Still breathing, barely.” Murphy said, looking towards the drop ship with a grimace. “I tried to take him out but your psycho little sister-” Bellamy snapped, shoving Murphy's chest hard enough to send him stumbling back. His hands fisted in Murphy's top yanking him backwards him, probably too close judging by the way Murphy's breath ghosted across his face.

“My what?! My what?” Murphy stayed quiet for a moment, wide eyes flickering across Bellamy's face. He could feel his heart beat thrumming beneath his knuckles. Too fast.

“Your little sister.” Murphy said evenly. Anger flaring in his eyes before he was shoving Bellamy's hands away.

“Yeah, that's right. My little sister.” Bellamy growled. “Got anything else you want to say about her?” The question hung in the air as he called Murphy out. Murphy's eyes bore into his for a moment, before a bitter smile lifted on his face that made Bellamy's heart freeze in his chest. The anger draining from him as his mind flickered back to Murphy on the ark. Watching his mother with bruises dotted across his skin and the same smile before he'd back down, let Bellamy take him away to somewhere safe.

“Nothing.” Murphy said, voice pitchy. “Sorry.” He looked right into Bellamy's eyes as he said it, the word mocking him. Like Murphy knew that he wasn't the one who should be apologising. Bellamy gulped, shifting away from Murphy, breaking eye contact as shame rumbled through him. He spotted Atom, still on the floor.

“Get him out of here.” Bellamy ordered. The delinquents jumped into motion. Moving around him to collect the body. His eyes found Murphy again, still in the same place, watching him nervously, as if waiting for Bellamy to come back and hit him.

Bellamy ducked his head, walking away as quick as could be considered acceptable without running. He retreated to his tent. Flopping onto the floor, his hands curled into his hair as he tried to get the image of Atom dying out of his mind. It was worse than floating, floating was quiet, instant, they were gone with a sudden blast and that was it. There wasn't a body to deal with, nothing to bury, no blood to mop up.

Atom had bled a lot. The knife had drawn out leaving dark streams pulsing out of his throat and Clarke had just sat there humming, trying to keep Atom calm as the life left him horribly slowly sucking down rattling breaths as best he could leaving Bellamy feeling sick, unable to comfort him in anyway.

He wasn't sure how long he sat there, hunched in on himself, before he heard the crunch of footsteps over leaves from outside the tent. Murphy didn't ask before ducking in, he stood tall in the tent. Eyes running over Bellamy on the floor with calm indifference. Bellamy looked up slowly, wondering why he was there. After screaming in his face he'd doubted Murphy would talk to him for a few days. He wouldn't want to talk to him. He licked his lips, pretending for a moment he would actually apologise before he was looking away.

“Foods ready.”

“I'm not hungry.” Bellamy mumbled.

“Fine. Then I'll have yours.” Murphy said, turning to leave.

“How can you even think about eating?”

“There's this thing called hunger and-”

“He was your friend.” Bellamy croaked. “He's dead and-How are you so..okay?”

“I watched my dad float when I was 9, found my mom when I was 14. My first cell mate killed himself the night before his 18th. The whole, dead body thing, not exactly a new concept for me.” Murphy said.

“So it doesn't bother you? Bellamy asked. Murphy twitched uncomfortably, giving a small shrug as he rubbed his nose, his eyes found Bellamy over his shoulder. Still looking weary.

“Doesn't not bother me. You just deal with it.”

“How?”

“My way was burning down Jamesons quarters, but I guess that can't work for everyone” Murphy said, picking at a loose thread on his jacket. Bellamy let out a broken laugh, before he thought back to Atom. To him begging Bellamy to kill him.

“He called for me but I ignored him, ducked into a cave.” Bellamy admitted. “I should have went back for him.”

“Then two people would be dead instead of one. You did the smart thing.” Murphy said.

“But it wasn't the right thing.”

“Yes it was. You're still alive, if you'd went back for him you wouldn't be. You made a choice to keep yourself and a kid safe and it paid off. Sometimes doing the right thing has consequence's. Atom paid those this time. No one thinks this deaths on you or the princess.”

“Octavia does.”

“Your sisters pissed because the first guy she's ever liked died. I think everyone would be.” Murphy said. “She'll get over it. And so will you, so stop complaining and go lead the people you're so eager to have.” When Bellamy made no move Murphy sighed, storming out of the tent. He reappeared a few moments later with cooked meat speared on a stick. “Eat it.” Murphy ordered, throwing the food to Bellamy.

“Thanks.”

“You ever push me again and I'll kill you.” Murphy said earnestly. “Now eat your damn food, people died getting it.” With that Murphy left, stomping off into the night leaving Bellamy glaring at the food, stomach still churning.

 


	12. Sometimes i make mistakes

He had hoped, naively, that Atom would be the only dead they'd have for a while when he knew Jasper was going to be okay. He'd went to sleep after finally forcing down the food Murphy got him telling himself that the next day would be better.

And then he was being woken up by a shrill scream. He jolted up, practically diving out of his tent. People were already moving around from camp. Looking for where the scream came from, weapons being snatched up.

Bellamy's head jerked to the left as another scream cut through the night. He took of running, yanking an axe out of a kids hand as he jogged into the woods.

He arrived just after Clarke, skidding to a stop on the muddy floor next to him. He heard the hitch in her breath.

“Wells?” Clarke croaked, stumbling forwards towards the man, blood had pooled around him, too much for him to be anything but dead. “What happened?” She hissed turning to the girl who was crouching by a tree, pale faced and shaking.

“I don't know. I came for my shift and he was...His neck, I think he was stabbed. The grounders did it. Oh god, we're going to die.” The girl ranted hysterically. Bellamy heard the shuffle of footsteps as others arrived, the stifled gasps as they took in the scene.

Tears ran down Clarke's face in a silent stream, her hands cupping Wells cheeks, a quiet murmur of 'no no no' passing her lips. He felt a hand on his side and looked over to see Miller.

“I got this, you should get everyone back to camp.” Miller murmured. “Just give me someone else to help dig the grave.” Bellamy gave a stiff nod, dragging his eyes away from Wells's body and looking through the crowd.

“Mbege, stay here and help Miller. Everyone else back to camp.” Bellamy ordered pushing those closest to him to make them move. The group didn't need telling twice. Scrambling back towards camp, nervous looks being sent towards the trees around them as if a grounder was about to jump out.

He looked back at the others. Clarke still crouched over Wells, fingers clawed into his shirt, other hand pressed to her mouth as if trying to force the sobs back in. Miller's hand clasped gently at her shoulder, face downcast. Mbege and Finn off to the side, not seeming to know what to do with themselves.

“We need to get the wall up. Now.” Bellamy shouted across the nervous chatter of the group. “Roma, Monroe, Dax I need you to come with me. The rest of you, get to work. Murphy's in charge.”

“Words I always love to hear.” Murphy drawled.

Bellamy walked off, the three at his back as Murphy shouted orders across camp.

“Roma, Monroe. Go guard the east side of camp, when Miller and Mbege get back you can go help on the wall.” He pointed them in the right direction and dragged Dax off towards where Wells was. “You guard them. They're a bit preoccupied. I know you didn't like the guy but keep your mouth shut and show some respect alright?” Dax nodded. “When they've buried him you can come back.” Bellamy clapped him on the back and took off back towards camp.

By the time Wells had been buried the sun was rising in the sky. The wall already taking shape as the scared group worked tirelessly. Clarke stayed by the grave for god knows how long. Staring glazed eyed at the newly packed dirt and the others returned to camp, joining in with the wall building, everyone eager to have a barricade between them and the grounders apparently circling their camp.

That should have been the end of it, Bellamy thought it was, until Octavia, Jasper and a livid Clarke stormed into his tent with Murphy's knife and two of Wells fingers. His heart rate spiked as Clarke called his bluff on the knife belonging to anyone. Showing him the initials carved into it.

Bellamy watched silently as Clarke confronted Murphy, arms crossed trying to crush down the bubble of panic settling in his stomach. The few times he did talk it only made it worse, the anger from the group growing as Murphy grew more and more uncomfortable, his eyes flickering around knowing that he was in serious trouble.

He watched feeling sick as the mob rounded on Murphy. Kicking him to the floor, within moments he was lost among the bodies. He didn't make a noise or cry out in pain. It seemed to be moments before everything had gone too far. Murphy covered in mud and blood being stung up. Bound and gagged as the people around them cheer.

He could just about hear Murphy pleading through the gag. Calling him and only him, begging him not to do it. The seatbelt pulled tight around his neck, Murphy stumbled on the crate, trying to keep his balance, pushed up onto his tip toes to keep the rope from cutting off his air. Bellamy hated him, he hated him for looking at him. He hated him for the stupid speech he'd given the night before, trying to comfort Bellamy after everything. He remembered Murphy from the first few times they met, the way he'd look to him with hope shining in his cold eyes. A flickering of something as if he always knew it would be Bellamy who had the power to save him.

Bellamy realised with a jolt the hope was gone. He was still begging, repeating Bellamy's name, telling him he didn't do it, but his eyes were cold. As if he already knew Bellamy's next move. Like he was only doing it because he couldn't not try.

He could picture it, kicking the crate out. The way the crowd would cheer. The way the chants would get louder as they watched him die. He wished he could sink away, fall down into the earth and return later, once it was over and done with. The mob shouted, a chorus of his name but Bellamy could barely hear it over Murphy's muffled words.

He felt Clarke pulling on his arm, begging him not to do it. To step away, to make it stop.

Tap, Tap. The pack of cards hit against his waist as Clarke yanked his jacket. Vomit rose in his throat.

“Stop.” The word barely made it out of Bellamy's throat, his fist clenched by his sides eyes stuck on Murphy, bloody and broken. He didn't even realise he'd said it at first, not until he saw Murphy's eyes widen. A flicker of hope finally bursting to life. Felt Clarke stop tugging at his side.

“Bellamy, Bellamy, Bellamy.” The crowd chanted. His order unheard.

“STOP!” Bellamy roared, voice raw and hoarse. The chanting was gone in an instant. Shocked eyes on him. “This isn't..” Bellamy swallowed, breaking off, trying to figure out how to word it. How to keep the power, how to give the people what they wanted without it ending in Murphy dead. “We need every man we can get if we want to beat the grounders.” Bellamy said after a few moments, nerves bubbling in his chest as he looked around at the mob. The princess was looking at him, eyes shining in gratitude as if this had anything to do with her. If she had just kept her mouth shut this wouldn't be happening. “If we want to survive we can't start killing each other.”

“Tell that to him.” A boy shouted. Bellamy looked back to Murphy, teetering on the crate, his eyes boring into Bellamy looking so pathetically hopeful.

“We'll punish him, but not like this.” Bellamy said. “Lashes or-” A boo rose from somewhere in the crowd. A boy moved forwards.

“If you won't I will.” Bellamy grabbed him before he could reach Murphy, slamming a fist hard into his face feeling the sickening crunch of his nose cracking beneath Bellamy's knuckle. It wasn't enough, someone else had already moved. Kicking the crate from the other side. He heard the gasps from some, the excited screams from others as Murphy's body swung downwards, the rope pulled taught.

“Cut him down!” Bellamy screamed. Racing towards Murphy only to be stopped by arms grabbing at them. He lashed out, beating anything that came into range. It past in a blur of blood and shouting, of pain as fists slammed into him, then Charlotte was stopping it with a few words that rung through Bellamy's head.

Murphy was on the floor before he'd looked away from the young girl, standing teary eyed and nervous.

“Is he breathing?” Clarke asked, rushing past him. Bellamy turned back to Murphy, laying crumpled on the floor. Finn yanked the noose away from his throat as Murphy drew in a painful breath, so loud amongst the now quiet forest. Bellamy dropped down next to him, watching the rise and fall of his chest.

“Finn get Charlotte somewhere safe. Clarke I need you-” Bellamy murmured.

“Get him to the drop ship.” Clarke said. Arms were scooping Murphy up. Bellamy's own hand jutting out, grabbing the wrist trying to take him.

“I got him.” Mbege said calmly, his voice sounded hoarse. Like he'd been screaming, cuts marred his face telling Bellamy he too had been fighting to keep Murphy from falling.

“My tent.” Bellamy ordered. “It's safer.” He added to Clarke's confused look. He wasn't having Murphy in the drop ship while he was unconscious, not just after the entire camp had tried to kill him.

*

Murphy woke up half way back to the tent. Shifting in Mbege's arms almost falling to the floor.

“”It's me. I got you, you're okay.” Mbege breathed. Bellamy watched Murphy calm down in a moment. Falling limp in Mbege's arms, eyes squeezing shut as if he were trying to stop tears.

“I'm fine. Put me down.” Murphy croaked. Mbege looked to Bellamy as if to ask what he should do. It didn't seem to matter. Murphy rolled out of Mbege's arms, hitting the floor with a soft groan.

“Murph-” Mbege tried, reaching for him. Murphy shoved him away, stumbling to his feet. His throat worked beneath the angry burn the seatbelt had left.

“Where is she?”

“Griffin needs to make sure you're okay. Let's-” Mbege tried.

“Where is the little bitch?” Murphy screamed, or more attempted to. His voice breaking painfully as it came out. “I'm going to kill her.”

“Murphy.” Bellamy said, stepping up. He spotted Clarke, ducking off into a tent with Charlotte and Finn. The crowd was forming again. Standing behind Murphy eyeing the scene warily.

“She killed him. Time to punish her right?” Murphy sneered, moving to go past Bellamy, to where Charlotte was hiding.

“Let's talk about this.” Murphy snorted. “Please.” Bellamy begged, hand on Murphy's chest stopping him from going to Charlotte. “John.” Murphy paused, eyes flickering off of the tent to Bellamy. Bellamy saw his jaw clench beneath the layer of blood before he gave a stiff nod. “Drop ship.” Bellamy suggested. “You lot, get back to work!” The group made no move to leave, Bellamy grabbed the from of Connor's shirt, yanking him forwards. “You not hear me? Get your ass back to work.” The group scattered, moving back to their stations as Bellamy shoved Connor to the ground. He took Murphy's elbow, leading him into the drop ship. “Stay.” Bellamy ordered. “Miller, he doesn't leave and no one else comes in.” Miller gave a stiff nod as Bellamy left the drop ship again. Mbege waited outside, watching him curiously but Bellamy ignored him. Moving to the tent Clarke had ducked into. Charlotte, Finn and Clarke hovered nervously.

“Bella-” Charlotte

“Not now.” Bellamy growled. “I'm gunna need a medic princess.”

“Charlotte-”

“We can deal with her later.” Bellamy left the tent again, hearing Clarke following after him. He was pleasantly surprised to find out Murphy hadn't tried an escape. He'd just moved to the back of the drop ship, resting against the metal wall. “Check him out then get out.” Bellamy ordered.

The welts on Murphy's throat made Bellamy feel sick. His skin littered with bruises and cuts that had him hissing each time Clarke poked at him.

“As far as I can tell it's superficial damage.” Clarke said eventually. “You should be fine.”

“And the girl. Is she going to be okay? I can't hear any lynch mobs getting ready to get the real killer.”

“Murphy-” Clarke started.

“I'll talk to him. Go.” Bellamy ordered. Clarke frowned, looking between the two before she gave a stiff nod and left the drop ship. He was expecting an angry rant the second she left. To have Murphy spitting in his face and screaming at him to kill the girl. It was, after all, how Murphy worked. Instead Murphy was silent, eyes flickering over Bellamy's face.

“You tried to stop them.” He said eventually. Breathlessly, like he still didn't believe it.

“I didn't do a very good job.” Bellamy said.

“Your inspirational speeches can't always win.” Murphy mumbled, picking at a tear on his shirt.. “I told you I didn't do it.”

“I know.” Bellamy said quietly. He should have done something earlier, should have stopped Clarke from even confronting Murphy so publicly.

“She did.” Murphy said. “ She deserves-”

“No.” Bellamy snapped. Murphy flinched, Bellamy sighed, lowering his voice to try to keep Murphy at ease.“Murphy, I didn't let them kill you, I'm not about to let you kill her.”

“You almost did.”

“I'm sorry.” Bellamy said earnestly.

“So you are capable of apologising then.” Murphy snorted, a bitter smile on his face. He sighed, hand moving to gingerly press against his throat. “We done?”

“No.”

“You don't want me to kill her fine, You saved me I owe you one. That one will be me not mounting her head on a pike but I don't have to sit here and-” Bellamy's mind was reeling, too much had happened too fast. It had been a normal morning on the ground, whatever that was. Murphy ordering people around acting like a tool while Bellamy watched from the side lines and then he'd almost lost Murphy and the boy still hated him.

“I shot Jaha.” Bellamy said quietly. Licking his dry lips trying to figure out where he was going with it. He realised instantly what he was trying to do, that finally he was trying to explain, even if it was three years too later. Murphy's eyes snapped up to meet his. “To get on the drop ship. I couldn't let O come down alone, I needed to be here, to protect her.”

“So you shot the chancellor?” Murphy asked. Bellamy nodded. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I need you to know that I would do anything to protect Octavia. That I have done everything I could to keep her safe, even if I didn't want to. It's..she's my responsibility.”

“Still not getting the point of this sharing session. I mean, honestly, well done for killing Jaha, he deserved it but-”

“I care about you.” That shut Murphy up instantly. His face twisting into an unrecognisable look. “You were my best friend, hell pretty much my only friend but Octavia had to come first. I didn't stop talking to you because I didn't like you or whatever the hell it was I said.”

“You said that I was an arrogant violent little brat who followed you round all the time.” That made Bellamy flinch, Octavia was right, he could be an idiot.

“Murphy.” Bellamy croaked. “I wanted to tell you. For so long I wanted to tell you about her but I couldn't and I knew that but I kept..I was getting closer and closer to doing it. I bought you back to mine, I told myself I knew she'd be asleep, that you wouldn't see her but you could have and I think part of me wanted you to so I'd be forced to tell you. When my mother saw you there, god Murphy, she reminded me what was at stake if anyone ever found out and made me see it was too dangerous for us to be friends.”

“Every family has their secrets.” Murphy said with a shrug. “Can I go now?”

“I miss you.” and god didn't he sound pathetic, his voice thick and cracking because he almost lost Murphy, again, and Murphy hadn't even known why Bellamy had acted the way he did, he hadn't expected Bellamy to try and stop it.

“I've been by your side since we landed.”

“That's not..It's not the same we're not...we're not friends.” Bellamy grumbled. “And I know that's my fault but..” He wanted to keep explaining, to keep saying it was for Octavia, that he had to. “I miss you.” Bellamy said again. “you would have-” He broke off with a groan, fingers tapping against the cards still tucked in his pocket, Bellamy swallowed the lump in his throat. “I'm so sorry Murph, I screwed up and I'm sorry.” He saw something change in Murphy's posture. Saw the flicker in his face again as he took a slow step towards Bellamy.

“Are you crying?”

“I thought you were dead. Twice and now you're not..you barely talk to me,I know I screwed up and that I hurt you and I'm sorry-” Bellamy hissed, wiping his suspiciously wet cheeks.

“Now that's pathetic, the great leader of or people sobbing because mean ol' Murphy hasn't accepted his friendship bracelet.” Murphy continued towards Bellamy, stopping inches in front of him. Eye's searching his face, he obviously found something he liked because a tentative smile flickered on. It was the same as when he was a child, a bit sharper, more broken, but the same. “I get it. Why you didn't tell me, why you did what you did.” he paused. Rubbing his nose. “I still think you're an asshole for doing it though.”

“Can we work past that?” Bellamy asked. Murphy lifted a shoulder in a shrug. Reaching for something.

“'All out of friendship bracelets I'm afraid. Would you accept an acquaintance noose?” Murphy asked, flicking Bellamy with a seat belt he'd grabbed, Bellamy eyed the red fabric as it slapped his chest.

“Do I have to put it on?”

“It'd be helpful. Then if you just hang it over there and stand on that box.” Murphy said, pointing to a crate on the floor. “I promise there aren't any ulterior motives here.” Bellamy let a slightly hysterical laugh bubble out past his lips, his hand wrapped tight around the rough seat belt.

“I didn't hang you, you can't hang me.”

“Does that mean I can hang all the people who hung me?” Murphy asked, swaying on his feet.

“No Murphy.” Bellamy mumbled, grinning fondly despite the strange conversation taking place.

“A friend would let me.”

“A friend would stop you from getting yourself killed. Which would happen if you started murdering almost everyone in camp.”

“Yeah..Apparently I'm not very popular.”

“No idea why.” Bellamy mused. “I mean it's not like you bullied anyone, or literally pissed on someone.”

“What can I say, I got a little power crazy. Which Is something I think you understand.” The conversation lulled. Murphy's eyes moving away from Bellamy's face, looking past him to the wall as he swallowed, grimacing as he did. “I didn't think you were going to stop it.”

“Neither did I.” Bellamy said.

“Well that definitely inspires confidence.” Murphy snorted, moving to sit down against the wall. He let out a sharp hiss as he did, hand cradling his ribs.

“So you're not storming off then?”

“I got hung, I think I deserve a break.” Murphy sighed, watching the door nervously. Bellamy moved to sit down in front of him. “You staying?”

“Do you want me to go?” Murphy didn't answer straight away, his eyes slowly moving away from the door to lock back on Bellamy, gaze burning into him.

“I guess you can stay.” Murphy said slowly, a grin broke across Bellamy's face, hurting his cheeks it was so wide. “Stop smiling like that it's scary.”

“You want me around.” Bellamy said happily. Murphy rolled his eyes.

“Yeah well, you may be an ass but I could tolerate your company. It'd be dumb not to keep around one of the few people trying to stop you getting hung.” Murphy said. His fingers found his throat once again.“Never thought I'd say this but I think we need some rules. Whatever the hell we want is fun until people start trying to kill you.”

“How do I do that? I'm pretty sure everyone lost respect in me when I didn't kill you.”

“You gained a bit in my book.” Murphy said.

“Mine too.” Bellamy jumped as Miller called through the sheet hanging in front of the drop ship door, it swept out of the way as Miller stepped in. “Sorry, but your not exactly quiet and I've been wondering when you'd get the balls to actually talk to each other since we landed.” Miller said, leaning against the ladder. “Can I suggest something? Let Clarke help you more.”

“She almost Murphy killed.” Bellamy growled.

“She fought against them hanging out.” Miller said quickly. “One of the few people who did even though she thought you killed her best friend. She's smart and people trust her. She's already got her followers and you've got yours. You band together, come up with rules you both agree with. People would stand up to just her, or just you, but if you two are at the helm of camp no one's going to dare go up against both of you. Besides if you two stopped fighting each other at every turn things would go a hell of a lot smoother. We need you, you inspire those idiots but we also need her.”

“He's right.” Murphy said quietly, scrubbing at his nose. “She may be a self righteous pain in the ass but she's smart, when she's not accusing people of murders they didn't commit.”

“You really think it's a good idea?”

“Charlotte killed Clarke's best friend. You're a softie for kids but I doubt she'll be too forgiving right now. If you two are leading together she might actually give the little bitch a decent punishment.” Bellamy frowned at the words, something that quickly vanished when Murphy looked to him with a smirk that had been reserved for Mbege the past few days, a smile creeping on his face.

“I'll go talk to Clarke. Stay with Miller.” Bellamy stood up, making his way out of the drop ship.

“You do realise I'm not a baby sitter right?” Miller called after him.

“Oh come on Nathan, you know you love me. I saw you trying to keep people from hanging me.” Murphy drawled.

“Something I regret right now.” Bellamy snorted at Miller's words.

 


	13. What i want

“They're gone.” Bellamy growled as he stormed back into the drop ship. Miller stood from where he was half leant against the ladder.

“What?”

“They're not there, no one's seen them. They left camp.” Bellamy huffed.

“Where did they-”

“Away from Murphy.” Bellamy's head snapped over to Murphy, Mbege lay draped across the floor next to him, star fished out only the crown of his head touching the wall. “Everyone thought he was going to kill the mini murderer. Probably ran her out of here before he could knock you out and get to her.”

“Murphy wouldn't knock me out.” Bellamy objected. Murphy hummed, wobbling his head indecisively.

“They'll be back once they realise they don't have an angry Murphy mob on their tails.”

“Ill get a group together, go after them, it's not safe-”

“Don't bother.” Miller said.

“what?”

“Like tweedle dum said, they'll come back on their own. Clarke can take care of herself and Finns been roaming these woods since we got down, if anyone knows somewhere safe for them to hide it'll be him. We go after them they might get scared and run straight into the grounders.”

“They have a child with them, we can't just let them wander-”

“A murderous child.” Murphy grumbled.

“We've already had a mob running through camp once today. I think it's best if you stay here while Clarke's gone. Especially now we haven't got Wells to remind us we have morals.” Miller said.

“What if they get hurt?” Bellamy asked.

“S'their own fault. You didn't tell them to be over dramatic and run away.” Murphy said.

“You really wanna be friends with him?” Miller breathed.

“Weirdly enough I do.” Bellamy hummed, looking towards Murphy and Mbege who raised matching eyebrows at the two, no doubt wondering why they were whispering. Mbege leaned over towards Murphy and muttered something himself that made Murphy grin.

“They'll come back when they realise no ones chasing them. Or Finn will come back to try and give you a peace talk. Either way, they'll figure out it's safe for Charlotte to come back. You were out all of the last two days. I can keep this lot in line for a bit, take a break, or a nap.”

“Pretty sure you deserve one more than me.” Bellamy sighed.

“See that's why im giving you the day off. Then tomorrow it's my turn.”

“Alright deal.” Bellamy said, lips twitching in a fond smile. “If anyone sees Clarke come tell me.” Miller nodded, walking out of the drop ship with clanking steps.

“You going to get to work or are you going to keep slacking off?” Murphy asked, kicking Mbege's shin.

“Can't work I'm comforting you.” Mbege said. Murphy gave a snort of laughter, coughing harshly after he did, fingers itching at his throat tentatively.

“They're idiots Mbege, go make sure they do it right. I don't want to have survived a hanging just to get offed by grounders while I sleep.” Murphy said. “You can shout at them all you want when you're in charge.

“Good point.” Mbege decided pushing himself up and nodding a goodbye to Murphy. He walked past Bellamy, catching his arm on the way and all but dragging him back towards the drop ship door. “He gets hurt while you're with him and i'll kick your ass.”

“Is that how criminals say take care of him?” Bellamy said cheerfully. Mbeges frown deepened. “Relax, No ones touching him....you should move your tent closer to mine though. Just in case.” Mbege's grin was all gums. His hand slapping against Bellamy's arm.

“Already done it.” With that Mbege walked off, bellowing out a loud shout of 'alright dickheads' Bellamy shook his head. Wandering back into the drop ship.

“Your friends a psycho.”

“My what? My what?!” Murphy said, dropping his voice a few octaves lower.

“That's not funny.” Bellamy said with a wince, thinking of the night before. A smirk lifted on Murphy's face, eyes sparkling as if he enjoyed making Bellamy feel guilty, which, in all fairness, he probably did. The light died from his eyes as the shouts from outside rose. Miller's voice suddenly barked out an order and everyone went quiet. Bellamy's hand dug into his pocket, curling his fingers around the pack of cards. He took a slow step forwards. Murphy's eyes following him as he moved across the room, crouching down in front of Murphy.

“You want to play something?” Bellamy asked as he dropped the pack of cards in between them. Murphy's body locked for a moment.

“Are those?” Murphy reached for the pack, snatching them up and shaking them from their case, the cards fell into his palm and he fanned them out, looking over them in awe. His throat worked slowly, jaw twitching as his eyes flickered beneath his lashes between Bellamy and the ratty pack of cards.“I thought you threw them away or something.” Murphy mumbled. Bellamy shifted, not knowing what to answer to that, anything he could think of sounded too cheesy or meaningful. Murphy looked up slowly.

Tap, tap. Murphy drummed them twice against the metal floor, the clanging echoing through Bellamy's body.

“What do you want to play?” Murphy asked. The words made Bellamy's mouth dry, he wanted to throw himself across the small space between them and wrap Murphy in a hug but he was pretty sure that wouldn't be well received, maybe Murphy was letting them hang out again, but it was still going to be different, there would be a new set of rules to their friendship that Bellamy would have to let Murphy set.

His mind flew back to the years on the ark, flipping through card game after card game, trying to figure out which one he wanted to play when an idea struck him, make his heart stutter pathetically in his chest before it sped up into a quick thud thud thud of anxious excitement.

“Wait here, I'll be right back.” Bellamy urged, jumping up and rushing from the drop ship. All eyes around camp fell on him as he left, he puffed up his chest. “Get back to work. We've gotta get that wall up.” Bellamy ordered. People quickly returned their eyes to what they were doing leaving Bellamy moving through camp unwatched. He found Octavia's tent and ducked in.

“O.” Bellamy called. “Come with me.”

“What's wrong? I thought Clarke said Murphy was ok-”

“He is, just, come on. Please.” Bellamy begged. Octavia sighed but did what he said, crawling from the tent and following Bellamy back through the camp. He knew he had a spring in his step, that a smile was breaking across his face as he forced Octavia to walk faster towards the drop ship.

Murphy was no longer sitting on the bottom level but Bellamy could hear the tap tap of the cards against metal telling Bellamy he was up the ladder. Bellamy hopped up the stairs quickly to the top floor. Octavia's feet clinking on the ladder behind him.

“Murphy, Octavia, Octavia Murphy.” He introduced proudly. Waving between the two. Octavia raised an eyebrow slowly while Murphy snorted.

“We were locked up for a year together Bellamy, weird enough we've learnt each others names.” Murphy mumbled.

“It's different now.” Bellamy grumbled. “just..Deal the damn cards. O, sit down and play with us.”

“This is why you came to get me?” Octavia asked dryly. Her eyes finding Murphy who seemed equally unimpressed. Her eyes went back to Bellamy and he felt the disappointment washing over him. He knew Octavia was still angry at him for Atom, he didn't blame her ,but this, he'd been waiting for this moment for too long for Octavia to walk out. “Wow Bell. you're pathetic.” Octavia sighed but slid down onto the floor. Bellamy released a relieved breath, sliding down against the wall to join the two on the floor.

“What are we playing?” Octavia asked.

“Snap was always my favourite.” Murphy said. “I got to hit Bellamy and wouldn't get told off for it.” He didn't wait for either of them to agree before he was dealing out the cards. Flicking them with practised ease leaving Bellamy's body feeling warm and fuzzy, his shoulders drooping relaxed as if he were finally coming home.

It was far from how Bellamy had imagined it. For one they were older than he ever expected them to be before he finally had them in the same room playing together. John was now Murphy, sharper and colder, covered in cuts and bruises, his voice was weak and croaked from the earlier abuse to his throat. Octavia was dirty and tired, the two were sending each other suspicious looks and Octavia was calling Murphy out from cheating and holding his hand too close to the pile while doing the exact same thing but still Bellamy couldn't help the grin that spread across his face and the satisfied feeling.

The game came to an end, the three of them with matching bruises on their hands from slapping too hard. Murphy had a grin on his face even behind all the blood he was still covered in.

“What next?” Octavia asked. Bellamy felt like laughing with delight. He knew that he still had a long way to go before Murphy would actually trust him like he did before and that things could never be exactly how they were, but it was a step.

“You ever heard of 52 card pick-up? Bellamy loves it.” Murphy drawled.

“No do-” The pack of cards hit Bellamy face, fluttering out. Murphy boomed out a croaking laugh that must have hurt.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT??! A CHAPTER THAT'S RELATIVELY HAPPY?? I'M SHOOK


	14. Making a murderer

By the time night came the three had moved the card game to outside. The game spreads out amongst a few other delinquents, an unspoken rule passing through everyone in which they had to get approval from Murphy before they could play. First was Mbege, marching over and thrusting a tin cup of water into Murphy's hands. Murphy repaid him with a short nod of thanks and dealt him into the next game. Next was Miller, hovering until Murphy nodded and reshuffled the pack to let him play. Then Roma, again all eyes had went to Murphy, the boy had chewed his broken lip before give one jolt of his head and Roma had sunk to the ground next to them with a grin. Others tried, Peter had gotten a shake of his head and Mbege had shoved the kid back towards the building of the wall. Murphy had laughed, stiff and crackling when Myles had stepped up asking to play. Monty had been let sit almost immediately, a swift nod from Murphy that Bellamy didn't fully understand but then, if he remembered correctly, Monty had been one of the few people not actively involved in Murphy's hanging. Jasper had waited impatiently, dancing from foot to foot staring at Murphy with wide eyes. Murphy had, eventually, given a half hearted shrug that everyone took as a yes and Jasper had crawled next to Monty with a lopsided smile.

Bellamy found the night one of the most relaxing he'd had in years. A weight lifting from his chest as he looked around at the group surrounding the fire, faces glowing in the orange glow, each of them smiling and laughing as they bested each other in different games. Bellamy hadn't missed the way Murphy would flinch and tense up whenever someone walked too close behind him, or how his eyes would dart towards the sound when a delinquent would raise their voice from by the wall. By the time he was falling into his tent a smile was spread across his face as he curled into the pathetic excuse for a bed and let himself drift off to sleep.

*

Bellamy woke to shouts once again, jolting up in his bed and diving out the door so much like the night before he felt sick. For a moment he thought maybe he was caught in a time loop like the old movie. A day where he'd have to keep reliving finding Wells's body and Murphy's hanging until he somehow got it right. Maybe, if he ran he could save Wells, could stop the mob before Murphy got hurt.

“Look up there!” Someone shouted. Bellamy was jolted from his, frankly ridiculous thoughts by it. He looked up and felt his heart plummet as he saw a pod burning through the atmosphere.

Elated cries broke out at the idea of help. Bellamy shrunk in on himself. Was an afternoon of happiness all he got? A few hours, a taste at the life he'd always wanted before the arkers came down and killed him. Did he even deserve those few hours?

His eyes found Octavia, standing outside her tent talking to Harper quietly as they watched the pod rocket towards the ground. A smile on her face. Bellamy gulped. He didn't want to loose this. He wouldn't.

Bellamy spent the next hour calming the camp down. Lying that they could go in the morning before he was rushing back to his tent, nodding to a tight lipped Mbege on the way, raising an eyebrow at his burning glare but otherwise ignoring it. He waited impatiently for the chatter to die down and people to retreat to their tents once more. He grabbed his jacket, pulling it on as he moved quietly through camp. Feet almost soundless on the ground.

When he finally broke past the half built wall he took off running. Springing over roots and rocks. Screaming at himself to go faster. He _had_ to get there before anyone else did.

The sun had broke over the horizon by the time he was approaching the pod, an orange hue settling over the world, beams of light cutting through the trees and shining onto the floor making the leaves shine gold.

He came to a sudden stop when he heard the crack of the ship door being opened.

_No no_ no Bellamy thought hysterically, stumbling the last few steps towards the clearing. How had someone got there first? He spotted the pod, sitting smoking amongst the foliage, a body already ducking in through the door. A path of red spikes on the shoulder to the jacket.

“Murphy?” Bellamy croaked, stumbling from the tree's. Murphy startled, spinning too fast, hands clawing at the knife he must have picked up from the dirt yesterday after his hanging. He groaned when he saw Bellamy, glaring as if Bellamy had done something wrong before he was turning back to the pod, taking the knife and cutting something out. Bellamy made towards Murphy only to be stopped when Murphy raced back over to him, radio in hand. Bellamy saw a flash of a girl in the pod before he was being shoved back into the trees.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Murphy hissed.

“Me? What are you doing here? There was someone in there, Is she dead, what-”

“She's breathing. Should stay that way till someone else finds her. Lets go.” Murphy said, grabbing Bellamy's bicep and yanking him through the forest.

“Murphy why are you here? You're meant to be at camp.”

“They hung me for 'killing' Wells, what do you think they'll do when they find out they've been living under the rule of a murderer.” Murphy said stiffly.“If they can't talk to the ark they won't find out.” Bellamy stopped in his tracks, blinking at Murphy in awe.

“You're here for me?”

“Nah, thought I'd risk my life looking for shampoo. Of course I'm here for you.” Murphy snapped as if Bellamy was the dumbest person on the planet. He let out a huff, a hand swept through his blood matted hair. “You proved yesterday that you being around could keep me alive. No chance in hell I'm letting the ark come down and kill you. The bastards up there are blood thirstier than the ones down here. With the wrist bands off and our newcomer not being able to contact the ark they'll think we're dead for sure.” Murphy said. “We can hide this, bury it somewhere or-”

“We're not hiding it.” Bellamy said, snatching the cut off radio from Murphy's hand.

“What Bellamy-”

“It's too risky.” Bellamy heard the rushing of a steam and moved towards it, tossing the radio up and down in his hand. “We destroy it, then it won't matter if anyone finds it.”.” His eyes moved to the radio in his hands, guilt clawing through him. Jaha flashed through his mind, his hands raised, eyes wide as he tried to talk Bellamy down.

_Just one more bad thing_ Bellamy thought, knuckles turning white around the radio. _One more and then it'll be over._ He launched the radio into the air, he wanted to say it was all for Octavia, wanted to believe it but he knew that it wasn't. Not anymore. Octavia was safe, She'd be taken care of no matter what happened to him. If it was still only about keeping O safe then he would have listened to Clarke when she first told him about the grounders and how they needed the arkers to survive, but he'd already slipped down the rabbit hole.

He wondered when it had changed, when he'd gone from waiting to die, spending each day praying for it to be over, to wanting to live, when he decided doing what was smart for him outweighed doing what was right.

The radio splashed into the far side of the stream with a under whelming splash. He watched the ripples spread across the waters surface, tiny waves cascading before it settled.

_No going back now_ Bellamy thought, he took a moment, crushing down the worry bubbling in his stomach.

“Lets get back to camp.” Bellamy mumbled, turning back from the river to Murphy who was watching the river a frown pulling at his face. “What? You were going to hide it, I just-”

“You're very dramatic aren't you.”

“What?”

“I mean you could have just dropped it into the water, that'd break it. No need to throw it.”

“Shut up Murphy.” Bellamy snorted.

They walked side by side, Murphy's shoes crunching against twigs and fallen leaves. His breathing was harsh, coming out in pained pants, gait uneven from a badly hidden limp.

“You doing alright?”

“Fine.” Murphy grit out. Foot dipping on the uneven ground making him grunt in pain. He shook out his ankle, head flopping from side to side like a dog when its wet before he was stomping onwards.

“You need me to carry you?”Bellamy cooed, only half joking.

“Do I look like a damsel?” Murphy huffed.

“You really want me to answer that?”Bellamy said, a small grin breaking onto his face as Murphy rolled his eyes and muttered insults under his breath. He slid an arm round Murphy, taking his weight slightly despite the protests. “You weren't limping yesterday, what happened?” Murphy's cheeks turned a rosy red beneath the bruising.

“Nothing.”

“Murphy.”

“I tripped over a root.”

“And you say you're not a damsel?”

“Go float yourself.” Murphy grumbled. His eyes slid over to Bellamy. A flicker of a smile on his face, it continued to twitch up, Bellamy's arm vibrating as Murphy shook with silent laughter, his head dropping towards the ground to keep out of Bellamy's eye line.

“What's so funny?”

“Just remembered you saying I had more chance of going to earth than being chancellor, you better watch your back, I might take your job.”

“I'm not chancellor.”

“You killed the old Chancellor.”

“We're not Wolves Murphy. Killing the chancellor doesn't make me the new chancellor.”

“Wolves don't have chancellors, they have Alpha's. Didn't you pay any attention in school?”

“Not really. Was far too busy trying to keep you out of trouble.” The conversation fell into a comfortable lull. Murphy's breathing was still coming out slightly too fast, even with Bellamy's help his face would occasionally twist in pain when he stepped wrong. Bellamy wanted to say they could rest but he knew they needed to get back to camp before too many people realised they were gone.

“Can I ask you something?” Bellamy asked. Murphy shrugged a yes. Bellamy's tongue darted out, wetting his lips as his eyes ran across the trees. “Did you watch it?”

“What?”

“Shanghai dawn. You were going to buy tickets. Did you still go?” Bellamy watched as Murphy's face darkened. His grip tightening on his hip just in case he tried to pull away.

“You know. If you want to be friends again bringing up the day you metaphorically stabbed me in the back probably isn't the best way to go about it.” Murphy said stiffly. Bellamy opened his mouth to say something only for Murphy to cut him off. “Yeah, I watched it. Got in for free as well. I'd been wanting to see if for years. You being a dick wasn't going to stop me.”

“Good.” Bellamy said earnestly.

“Did you ever watch it?” Murphy asked, Bellamy shook his head. “You wanna know what happened?”

“You gunna tell me?”

“Might as well. It's a long walk back to camp and I do love the sound of my own voice.”

“I'd noticed.”

And so Murphy dove into what was proving to be a detailed and dramatic rendition of the film he'd seen so many years ago, how he remembered it so well Bellamy had no idea but he wasn't complaining. Bellamy found himself drawn into the story. Eyes only darting away to check the woods quickly before they'd be right back on Murphy watching as he used the arm that wasn't helping anchor him to Bellamy to gesture and karate chop the air when he got to fight scene. His story suddenly broke off, just before the end of the final battle.

“And then?”

“Dunno.” Murphy said with a shrug.

“You gave me quotes Murphy, you know how it ended.”

“I guess if you wanted to know how it ended you should have come to see it with me.”

“That's...Murphy!” Bellamy groaned. “That's so unfair.”

“Life's unfair Blake.” Murphy said with a shrug, an evil smile beaming on his face.

“You're really not going to tell me?”

“No chance in hell.” Murphy said honestly. Bellamy had half a second to enjoy the far too happy Murphy, his own smile answering before he heard footsteps and Clarke and Co were turning up, the girl from the pod in tow.

“Stay out of it.” Bellamy mumbled to Murphy, quickly unhooking his arm around him and forcing him to walk alone, veering off a few steps to the side as Clarke trailed behind him yapping in his ear.

His blood ran cold when Clarke told him that they were planning on killing 300 people to save oxygen. His mind racing to the radio, settled at the bottom of the stream.

_Nothing you can do now._

It only got worse when Finn pointed out when Raven revealed that he had shot Jaha, his heart in his throat because this wasn't what was meant to happen. He'd destroyed the radio, he was meant to be safe now, there was no way the news of him killing Jaha wouldn't get around camp with the three stooges knowing it.

The only good thing was that Murphy, for once, was really listening to him, staying on the edges watching but not saying anything, the only time he even stepped forwards was when the new girl pulled out a knife, holding it in front of Bellamy's face.

Something changed when he realised he hadn't killed Jaha, his stomach easing, feeling better than he had since they'd landed.

He wasn't a murderer. Jaha was abhorrent, he deserved to die for all the executions he'd taken place in, but still, finding out he hadn't killed him was like breathing in the fresh air of earth for the first time, uplifting and almost too much to handle.

And then, he remembered the 300 people destined to die that night, something he couldn't even stop. Perhaps he hadn't killed Jaha, but he was still a murderer and worse, it wouldn't even be those who deserved it, it would be people from his station. Working people. People who'd lost their families like Bellamy had now loosing everything because of Bellamy.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'm sorry, this is like 2000 of nothing but this stupid chapter has been kicking my ass for like a week so i just wanted to get rid of it. Hopefully things may happen again soon


	15. Like shooting stars

 

The walk back to camp was tense. The trio had insisted they get some people and return to the stream to find the radio and hope to god it was still useable. Murphy had placed himself between Bellamy and the others, leaving Bellamy strangely nervous. He was, at the very least, happy that they hadn't seemed to pay any mind to Murphy being there none of the blame for the radio being placed on his head. He didn't need the camp going after Murphy again.

“It's quite funny if you think about it.” Murphy said, stumbling slightly as he walked, shoving away Finn as the boy tried to help him keep steady, Bellamy smirked when Murphy took a step away from Finn, closer to Bellamy's side. “I almost got killed for not killing Wells, and you almost got killed for not killing Jaha. It's like fate, or irony, or whatever.”

“I think it's more of a, you're both terrible people, coincidence.” Clarke mumbled.

“Talking of terrible people. Where's the only one who apparently can finish a Jaha off? I'd still quite like to see Charlotte get punished.” Murphy said. Bellamy felt the atmosphere drop even further, he came to a stop, a bubble unease growing in his stomach, his fists clenching and unclenching.

“Clarke where is she?”

“She's dead.” Clarke said thickly, her voice breaking. “She threw herself off a cliff, I couldn't stop her. I-” Bellamy couldn't help but feel sick, his eyes closing as he took a deep breath, thinking of the small girl with the pretty plait in her hair. He wanted to scream, to tell Clarke it was her fault, that he had calmed Murphy down and if she'd just waited like he told her too Charlotte wouldn't have been anywhere near a cliff but instead he stayed quiet. Biting his tongue and blinking back the tears in his eyes. He should have went after them. He shouldn't have listened to Miller and gotten distracted by Murphy and Octavia, if he'd went after them he could have stopped it.

He swallowed the lump in his throat, picking up his pace.

*

He stayed back while Clarke gathered the camp, instead of standing watching as all eyes turned to him when they found out he'd inadvertently killed 300 people he took Murphy back to his tent with the order to get some damn sleep and not wander around the woods unaccompanied again before he was leading Miller and Mbege to the edge of camp, asking them to stay and take care of those still in camp while he was off searching for the wrecked radio. Before long Finn was at his side.

“We're leaving, let's go.” Bellamy knew Finn was going to authoritative, threatening, but it never really came across with Finn, he was too gentle, too soft spoken. Ever the peace keeper. Bellamy nodded to the two before trailing after them . Knowing it was a wasted effort. He was safe, finally, the ark would be sure they were dead, and three hundred would die because of it.

At least, he thought they would, but then Raven had a new plan, a plan that was frankly insane but still, a plan, a way out that meant Bellamy's hands would be clean.

*

Most people had taken the news of a possibility of contacting the ark and stopping the mass murder as a good thing. Murphy did not, dragging Bellamy into his tent with a red face and a harsh glare.

“You can't do this.” Murphy hissed. “We've spent the entire time on the ground trying to keep the ark from knowing we're alive and now you're helping send a message to them?”

“What do you expect me to do?”

“Stop it. These are still your people. Tell them we're not doing it. This Raven chicks been here for 5 minutes. They're only listening because you're telling them too.”

“They're listening because they know that their friends and families could be about to be killed.” Bellamy corrected. “We don't even know if it'll work but it's worth a shot.”

“Worth a shot? Bellamy.” Murphy said stiffly.. “If we send a signal the ark will come down.”

“And if we don't they kill 300 people. We're doing it.”

“Then what? Jaha may be alive but you still shot the chancellor. The second they step foot on earth they'll kill you.”

“They'll have to find me first.” Bellamy mumbled. The idea had formed again on the walk back from the stream. He'd planned on taking off when he first got to the ground. He would just have to go back to that plan. The world was a big place, and he knew it better than any arker, he'd have a pretty good head start.

“You're going to leave?”

“I can't do nothing, if there's a chance we can stop the culling I'm not going to screw that up. But I won't wait around here to be killed either. They'll take a while to come down, I can take rations and a smaller tent. Find somewhere out of the way. Octavia will be okay here, with them. They'll protect everyone from the grounders.” Bellamy paused, looking at the stricken look on Murphy's face, he shifted his weight from foot to foot. Eyes unable to meet Murphy's. “You could come. If you wanted.”

“You're asking me to run away with you? Don't you think we're going a bit fast, yesterday it was 'I'm sorry I almost let you get hung' and today it's 'let's elope'. You really do go big or go home don't you.” Bellamy rolled his eyes. “When do we leave?”

“You'll come?” Bellamy gasped. Murphy gave a small shrug, blue eyes flickering across Bellamy's face before they went to the wall of the tent.

“Not like I got anything better to do, and you still have my playing cards, no way I'm leaving those behind.”

“We wouldn't leave for a while. Better to wait until the ark's almost here, then the grounders will be too focused on the new arrivals to notice us running around.”

“Ah yes, waiting until it's winter, sounds like a great plan.” Bellamy ignored Murphy's taunting.

“We'll figure everything out once we know if the flares work. Go get some more sleep.”

“I don't need sleep.”

“I don't need an arsonist around jet fuel.”

“Touché.” Murphy said with a sage nod. “Have fun signing your death warrant.” With that cheerful goodbye Murphy ducked back out of the tent leaving Bellamy to oversee the building of the flares.

Most people helped, there were only a few out of the hundred that stood back and let the others do the work. Raven and Monty seemed to be in their element, throwing idea's to each other as they crafted the cannons.

Murphy finally emerged from his tent a few minutes before they were setting off the flares, Bellamy spotted him sitting by the fire, watching the busy workers with a frown as he sipped his drink slowly as if he had nothing better to be doing.

The air was filled with a strange buzz of joy and nerves as they watched the flares launch, they roared as they rose. Their light spilled across the night sky, forcing the darkness, spilling a burnt orange across all they touched.

“Can you wish on this kind of shooting star?” Clarke asked quietly.

Part of him wanted to wish for the ark to see their signal. For them to stop the mass murder that was about to happen, so innocent people wouldn't die, so his conscience would stay clear. The rest of him however was hoping horrible and selfishly leaving a pool of darkness deep in his soul that they wouldn't see it, that the effort was a lost cause. Because, even if they died now, even if the ark never knew they were alive, he'd tried, had actively helped to try to save those on the ark. And Perhaps, that would be enough to keep him whole, enough to pretend that beneath it all he was still good.

“Forget it.” Clarke murmured.

“I don't even know what I'd wish for.” Bellamy said earnestly, eyes finding the lights streaking across the sky again. “What about you?” Clarke didn't answer, her eyes moving over to Finn and Raven.

When he realised he wasn't getting a reply he let his eyes wander once more, first back to the sky, the flares still burning across the endless darkness. Before he looked towards the fire, to Murphy and Mbege. Mbege had his head tipped towards the sky but Murphy's eyes were on Bellamy, lips tipping in a smirk when he noticed Bellamy's gaze. He lifted his cup in a mock salute, eyes twinkling almost gold in the fire light before his gaze followed the next round of flares back towards the sky, eyes moving out of the light, hitting his sharp cheek bones.

Bellamy found his lips twitching into a fond smile. If the ark did see the flares, if they were currently partying in excitement noticing the lights from out the windows knowing they'd soon be coming down to the ground. If he was going to have to leave everyone else behind in a few days, or months, well, at least he'd have Murphy with him and that was a pretty great silver lining.


	16. Now I know my ABC

Bellamy's night hadn't been going too badly, there had of course been the looming knowledge that he may have inadvertently gotten three hundred people killed but, all they could do was wait and so Bellamy had found himself switching between sitting with Miller, Mbege and Murphy as they played games of shithead and patrolling the walls. It was only once food had been dolled out that Bellamy noted he hadn't really seen Octavia since that morning.

He ignored the revelation at first, deciding to give Octavia some space, if she wanted to hide on the drop ship or in her tent then she could, but then, as the night wore on he begun thinking back through the day, trying to pick out Octavia's face amongst the crowd as they'd watched the flares rise. With a sickening jolt he realised that he hadn't only not really seen her but he truly hadn't seen her at all since that morning in the woods. With a steadying breath he told himself it was fine, that she was in camp, hiding from him, still upset with him

_you're just a selfish dick_ She's said before leaving.

His first stop was her tent peeking in with a churning stomach as he noticed it was bare. From there he begun making his way through the city of tents, peering in and asking those awake if they'd seen her. All answered with no.

Bellamy peered into Murphy's tent, pausing as he spotted Murphy and Mbege sat up facing each other, hands clasped in the middle, bodies swaying as they had a particularly active thumb war.

“U.” Murphy said.

“Umbrella?” Mbege said after a moment making Murphy laugh.

“That's not clothes dumbass.” With the hand that wasn't busy with the thumb war Murphy reached out, punching Mbege's shoulder.

“Fine..D.”

“Dress. Obviously.” Murphy said calmly. Mbege smirked, hand jolting out and slamming into Murphy's shoulder.

“Dungaree's actually.” Mbege informed. Pinning Murphy's thumb for a moment, the two's bodies swayed as Murphy yanked his thumb free. His tongue sticking out of his mouth, trapped between his teeth, a furrow forming on his brow as he thought.

“Alright C.” Murphy said trapping Mbege's thumb. “1,2,3,4 I win the thumb war!” Murphy rushed all in one breath. Their hands broke apart, grins on their faces even as Mbege rolled his eyes.

“C for Cravat?” Mbege said. Murphy's mouth fell open.

“how the hell did you-” Mbege slammed a fist into Murphy's arm before he could finish the sentence, letting out a booming laugh as Murphy groaned and pouted, cupping his abused arm.

“What on earth are you two doing?” Bellamy asked. Their heads snapped to him in an instant, wide eyes blinking at him before they looked to each other, eyebrow's raising in a silent conversation.

“Playing a game.” Murphy said slowly, as if it were a trick question.

“What kind of ga-” Bellamy broke off, mind snapping back to Octavia. “have either of you seen O today?” The two shrugged out a no that left Bellamy groaning, leaving the tent again and turning in circles outside it hoping to catch a glimpse of Octavia's silky brown hair.

It had been the last tent. Bellamy's fist clenched, his heart palpitating.

“Octavia?” Bellamy called, hearing the desperation in his voice. He moved again ducking into tents he'd already checked. He spotted Clarke, sitting watching him as he searched. He told her as quickly as she good, feeling a small slither of panic chip away when she agreed to help.

“Bellamy.” The two turned at Murphy's voice, him and Mbege walking forwards, Murphy shrugging on his jacket as he went. “What's wrong?”

“O's missing.”

“You think. We're checking again. Bellamy, Mbege go to the drop ship. Me and you will search the tents again.” Clarke ordered, nodding to Murphy. The three men made no arguments about the plan, all moving off to search their allocated locations swiftly.

Within ten minutes it was painful obvious that Octavia was nowhere in camp and that she hadn't returned since Bellamy had sent her away in the woods that morning and the delinquents had stood watching three hundred bodies burn up in the atmosphere. Three hundred people who Bellamy had basically killed himself, and god knows how many more would die if no message was sent to the ark.

Bellamy knew it was his fault, he knew everyone in camp knew that also but he found himself pushing the guilt down and away, the worry for Octavia clawing over it.

“Lets go.” Bellamy ordered, signalling for the group that were brave, or stupid, enough to come with him. They begun moving, shuffling towards the gates. Mbege and Murphy stayed, watching the sky. “Murphy grab a weapon and get a move on.” Bellamy growled. Their heads snapped towards him in unison, Murphy unhooking the knife from his belt with a flourish as if to say 'it's right here moron'. Mbege slapped the hand down.

“He's not coming.” Mbege said. Bellamy looked between the two boys a small laugh bubbling from him.

“What? Octavia's-”

“I'm coming. It's fine Mbege.” Murphy said.

“It's not fine. You're hurt you dumbass.” Mbege snapped. “It's dangerous so just stay here-”

“In the camp where everyone tried to kill me yesterday while the few people who fought against me getting murdered are gone? Yeah, I think I'll pass.” Bellamy's eyes ran down to Murphy's neck, the painful red mark seared into his skin. His mind went back to Murphy in the forest earlier. Face contorted in pain as he limped along. Even if it wouldn't put Murphy in danger he'd still slow them down.

“He's right.” Bellamy said.

“What? Bell-”

“My sisters missing, I can't be checking over my shoulder to see if you're okay every three seconds.” Murphy opened his mouth, no doubt ready to argue. “If you don't want to stay here then go with Clarke and Raven, find some way to communicate with the ark.” Bellamy ordered. “You'll slow us down Murphy. It's already been 12 hours I can't-”

“Fine, with Clarke it is.” Murphy drawled, hooking the knife back against his trousers. “You'll find her.” He said, almost gently before turning and moving over to Raven and Clarke. “shall we ladies?” Murphy drawled, waving towards the forest.

“Come on.” Bellamy grumbled, grabbing Mbege by the elbow and leading him off after the search party.

*

Mbege walked next to him most of the way, the two trailing after Finn the rest of the group behind them. Bellamy was shaking with nervous tension, trying to keep himself from barking out orders to make Finn hurry up. He knew Finn was doing his best, hurrying him wouldn't help, if anything, it would make him worse, sloppy, they could loose her trail.

Bellamy paced on the spot, watching as Finn crouched a few feet in front of them, torch outstretched as he looked over the dark forest floor.

“It's called the alphabet game.” Mbege said suddenly.

“What?” Bellamy stopped, looking to Mbege in confusion

“What me and Murphy were playing before.” Mbege said, scratching his nose in a way Bellamy thought only Murphy was prone to. “We call it the alphabet game. You chose a letter from the alphabet and think of something that start with that. So tonight we were doing clothes. So if I thought of Dress I'd say D and then Murphy gets one guess to chose what I'm thinking of, If he gets it right he gets to punch me, if he gets it wrong I punch him.”

“And I care because?” Bellamy grumbled.

“You don't. But it distracted you.” Mbege said, nodding back to Finn who was standing up and marching in a new direction. Bellamy sighed out a breath of relief, marching after him, the group trailing behind him.

The next time they stopped for Finn to re find Octavia's tracks Mbege was there again.

“Is it always clothes?” Bellamy asked, pulling his eyes away from Finn, fingernails digging into his palms.

“No. We choose what we're going to be playing with before, sometimes it's animals, or stars. Clothes are easier though, lot more choice that we know of.” Mbege said with a small grin.

“Sounds like a boring game.” Bellamy said honestly. Mbege snorted.

“In lock up word games were about all we had to keep busy. We once spent about an hour doing a little spelling bee.”

“Murphy's awful at spelling.” Bellamy pointed out.

“I know. You ever hear him try to spell antidisestablishmentarianism? Guards ended up coming to our cell to make us shut up because I was laughing so loud.” Mbege admitted.

“No one could spell that.”

“A-n-t-i-d-i-e-s-t-a-b-l-i-s-h-m-e-n-t-a-r-i-a-n-i-s-m.” Mbege listed off in a bored tone.

“You can spell that but you can't spell die?” Bellamy asked. Mbege laughed, eyes moving around the clearing. The smile suddenly fell from his face, his eyes squinting as he peered through the darkness. “Hey. Look over here.” Mbege shouted. “right there!” Bellamy turned to look what he was pointing out, eyes straining through the darkness. He moved his torch closer, the firelight seeping down the hill before he spotted what Mbege was talking about, a small bit of clothing hooked on a shrub at the bottom of the steep hill.

After that there wasn't any really any more stopping. Finn following the deep tracks fairly easily. They had his sister. His sister who was injured judging by the droplet of blood they'd found. When they reached what was undeniably the grounder territory Bellamy wanted to bow over and throw up. If he hadn't been so set on getting to the radio Octavia would have been safe, he'd have walked her back to camp, if he'd explained things properly she wouldn't have been mad enough to storm off. It was his fault.

He grit his teeth, storming past the border telling people to go back if they wanted, and most did only a handful continuing on. Knowingly risking their lives for his sister. Bellamy decided when they got back to camp he'd have to do something for them. Get Monty to let them have a drink of the moonshine he was 'secretly' brewing. Take them to a river so they could have a proper wash. If Raven did get a radio working then he could let them talk to their families first.

Thoughts like that were wiped from his brain the second Mbege's body hit the ground. Throat slashed, blood spilling out in quick pulses,When Diggs was stood with blood dripping from his mouth, pikes impaled though him. When Roma was backed against a tree, eyes open and glassy a spear protruding from her chest.

He could picture her when he first saw her, a girl, no more than 14 with a cheeky smile leaning forwards to press a kiss to a flushed Murphy's cheek, the girl who slapped him when he'd thrown Murphy away, the woman who'd shared his bed a few nights since they'd landed on the ground. When he closed her eyes it was with a burning hatred for the grounders.

She deserved better, they all did.

*

The walk back was a blur, the survivors going as fast as they could, Finn weigh heavily in Bellamy's arm, his breathing erratic, moans of pain occasionally slipping past his lips leaving Bellamy wincing. It seemed to be no time at all before Bellamy was passing him off so Clarke could, hopefully, save him.

Three people dead, one that could go either way.

And Octavia was mad at him for wanting to kill the grounder who'd started it all by taking her. Upset that he had wanted some vengeance for those who'd died trying to save her. Saying that the grounder had saved her, that he'd saved all of them.

The argument passed in a split second, Octavia's words feeling like physical blows and so he lashed back, spat out words like knives because after everything, every single thing he'd done for her, for them, she was still looking to other people with her thanks, blaming him when all he was trying to do, all he'd ever tried to do, was protect her. He'd given up Murphy for her, he'd gotten their mother killed so she could have a single night of fun, shot the damn chancellor, came down to earth, served three good people up the grounders without a second thought. All for her.

Bellamy watched as she stormed towards the drop ship feeling sick. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath through his nose.

_Get mother killed – check_

_Kill three hundred people – check_

_Get Finn stabbed – Check_

_ruin relationship with your sister – check_

Bellamy couldn't wait for the day to end.

“You alight?” Bellamy's eyes flickered open at Murphy's voice, the man walking towards him, lips pulled down in a frown.

“Fine.”

“You gunna hit me if I say your sisters a bit of a bitch?” Bellamy shot Murphy a dark look, Murphy's hands went up instantly in surrender despite the smirk twitching on his lips. “No offence obviously. Not that you're any better. My life ended the day you were born. Really? That's what you went with.” Bellamy's teeth clacked together at Murphy's words, jaw grinding and fists curling. “You gotta think before you speak man.”

“Murphy.”

“Shut up?” Murphy guessed, Bellamy gave a stiff nod that made Murphy's smile fall.

“It'll be fine.” Murphy said, almost gently.

“You think?”

“Yeah, I mean, it only took you three years to apologise to me so by 2152 you two will be thick as thieves.” Murphy nudged him with his hip, a barely there tap, far lighter than when he use to do it when they were kids but still the familiar action had a tired smile slipping onto Bellamy's face.

“You know you're awful at comforting people right?”

“Who says I was trying to comfort you?” Murphy snorted. “We should go inside.” Murphy nodded towards the sky, Bellamy turning to look at the dark clouds rolling through the sky, the wind howled around them.

“Storms coming.” Bellamy said. Shutting the gate.

“So fucking dramatic.” Murphy whispered. “You know where Mbege is? Didn't see him come in.” Bellamy's heart dropped, his hand freezing on the gate.

_Get Murphy's best friend killed – Check._

“Murphy.” Bellamy croaked turning on him slowly. Murphy's face had closed off, totally blank as he looked to Bellamy, the only tell of his nerves was the way his hand came up, rubbing at his nose.

“Bellamy.” Murphy drawled. Bellamy's mouth opened, words dying on his tongue as he tried to think of some way to say it that would make it seem okay. “You gunna tell me or do you like the suspense?” Murphy asked after the too long silence.

“I'm sorry.” Bellamy licked his lips, swallowing past the lump in his throat. “There were grounders. Roma, Diggs and Mbege didn't make it.” Murphy nodded, chewing on his bottom lip before he spun on his heel and begun walking away.

“Raven's working on a radio so we can talk to the ark.” He said over his shoulder. Bellamy watched him leave with a sinking feeling in his gut. He couldn't loose both Octavia and Murphy. He rubbed a hand across his face, swallowing the bile as Murphy got further away, shoulders held tense. He stopped suddenly at the edge of the drop ship, looking to his side before he was spinning around, raising an eyebrow at Bellamy like his eyes weren't sparkling with unshed tears. “What the hell are you doing? 'I was talking to you” Murphy grumbled.

“What?” Bellamy croaked.

“I was telling you what happened while you were gone idiot. Come on” Murphy ordered. Bellamy stumbled after Murphy, coming to a stop in front of him heart stuttering as he tried to figure it out.

“You walked away.” Bellamy pointed out. Murphy's eyebrow raised higher. Lips pulling in a frown.

“Yes. Generally you follow. Have you forgotten how to speak and walk at the same time?” Murphy joked flatly.

“You're not... I didn't think you'd want...Mbege-You don't hate me?” Bellamy breathed.

“Tried that before, didn't work out so well. Don't see why we go through all the drama again.” Murphy said with a shrug. “Mbege chose to go with you. His fault for trying to be a hero. Now, As I was saying, Raven should have the radio up and running soon and-” Bellamy followed Murphy into the drop ship in awe, trying to listen to what Murphy was saying.

*

It took about ten minutes of watching Finn lie bleeding on a table for Bellamy to decide to go and get the grounder. They needed answers. He quietly rounded up a few people, Miller included before they were leaving the drop ships. Fat droplets of rain splattering against the floor as the storm loomed closer.

“We're coming.” Murphy said, marching next to Bellamy, a small group of people trailing after him nervously. Bellamy opened his mouth, ready to object. “I'm getting Mbege.” Murphy added. Bellamy sighed, head bobbing in a small nod, he wouldn't be able to dissuade Murphy from going. Didn't particularly want to. Mbege wouldn't be out there if it weren't for him. The least he deserved was a proper burial and if Murphy was going to give him that then, well, that was good.

“And them?”

“Roma and Diggs are out there too right? I know my intimidating physique suggests it but I really can't carry three dead weights alone.” Murphy drawled. Despite everything Bellamy managed a small smile at Murphy's words.

“Let's get moving.” The group took off out of the gates, Bellamy grabbed Murphy's arm as he begun to wander too far away.

“If you're coming with us then you stay by me.” Bellamy ordered, yanking Murphy back into his personal space, shoulders brushing as they continued to walk. “No wandering off. And try to actually watch your step, we don't need you tripping over any more roots.” He eyed Murphy, frowning when he saw the way his hair was already wet, droplets clinging to the strands hanging loose around his eyes. “You should have bought a better jacket, If you get a cold I'm going to-”

“You realise I'm 17 not 7 right?” Murphy said, Miller snorted a laugh from next to them.

“Just..be careful.”

“Always am.” Murphy lied.

*

He didn't make a sound when they found Mbege's body. Just inched towards him, crouching down next him, knees almost in the pool of blood that surrounded him, spread further by the pouring rain. Bellamy could see his fingers twitching by his sides, curling and uncurling. Murphy reached out a hand slowly, as if to touch h Mbege only to pull back before he could. He cleared his throat, shoulders rolling. Bellamy took a step forwards, unsure of what exactly he was going to do to comfort Murphy . He didn't get a chance, Murphy span back round, the wetness in his eyes almost unnoticeable thanks to the rain.

“Dax, help me with him.” Murphy ordered, voice pitchy. Dax didn't argue, just moved over and grabbed one of Mbege's arms. Murphy shifted again, eyeing his dead's friends face before he gave a stiff shake of his head and grabbed the other arm. The two hauled Mbege up between them. “We'll see you back at the drop ship.” Murphy said.

Bellamy wanted to protest, to say that he'd told Murphy he had to stay by him but he kept his mouth shut, eyeing the large red stain on the front of Mbege's clothes with a grimace. They still had to take the others to Roma and Diggs and reach the grounder before he woke up. He couldn't waste time on an argument that Murphy would no doubt win by just walking away when he got bored of entertaining Bellamy's concern.

“We won't be long.” Miller said, before he was nudging Bellamy to force him to start walking. Murphy turned without a goodbye, walking away, Mbege hanging limply between him and Dax.

 


	17. All that's dead

Bellamy spotted Murphy the second they stepped into camp.

“Take him to the top level, tie him up. I'll be there in a minute.” Bellamy said. Miller nodded, dragging the grounder towards the drop ship as Bellamy's eyes went back to Murphy. Only his head was visible, his wet hair blowing around in thick strands from the howling wind, a shovel came up, tossing a clump of mud onto the seeping pile next to the grave.

Bellamy made his way across the camp, slipping more than once on the muddy ground. The wind whistled in his ears, the torrential rain so cold it hit like daggers on the exposed skin. He came to a stop as he got close to the grave, almost laughing when he saw the state Murphy was in before he remembered it was because he was digging a grave

The man was covered in mud, water dripped off the end of his nose as the sheets of rain fell onto them, each time a patch of mud would clear from his skin from the onslaught he'd flick a new pile of mud up out of the grave, covering himself in more splashes of dirt. The bottom of the grave was filling quickly with water, up to Murphy's shins as he slopped around.

“Murphy!” Bellamy yelled over the wind, Murphy's head bopped up, a strand of hair whipping him in the face, he pushed it away with grimace, squinting into the gale. “Come inside.”

“Give me a hand out.” Murphy bellowed back, throwing more mud onto the pile, one side of the grave crumbled away, spilling more mud back into the bottom. Murphy glared at it, as if ready to fight the mud before he was tossing the shovel up onto the land and reaching up for Bellamy's hand. Bellamy leant down, grabbing his arm and hauling the man up. Feet skidding along the mud as he took Murphy's weight. For a moment he was worried he'd slip and they'd both fall down into the hole but then the weight from his arm was gone, just the light pressure of Murphy's cold hand in his. “You get the grounder?” Murphy asked.

“Yeah. Let's go inside.”

“I will once I finish this.” Murphy said, nodding to the empty grave. “The others had Roma and Digg's graves ready but Mbege's was only half done. I need to-”

“You can do it when the storms passed.” Bellamy said, cutting Murphy off. Bellamy's hand dropped to his side as Murphy let go of it.

“I can do it now.” Murphy huffed. He turned back to the grave, peering down, shoulders tense before he sighed, pushing a dirty hand through his wet hair. “It's deep enough I guess.” Bellamy watched as Murphy grabbed Mbege's body, wrapped in a tarp, and slid it across the slick ground towards the grave. He stopped when he reached the edge.

“You can go.”

“Murph-”

“Go play with your grounder.” Murphy snapped. “I''ll be in soon.”

“Murphy, there's a literal hurricane come in-”

“Bellamy.” Murphy said coldly. A warning. Bellamy wasn't sure whether it was the tone of voice, or the pathetic way his teeth chattered as he said it, or perhaps how his hands were tripped tight around the shovel once more like he was planning to launch it at Bellamy's head that made him listen, but he did, giving a stiff nod and moving to squelch through the mud back towards the drop ship.

*

Murphy finally appeared twenty minutes later. Shovel landing on the drop ship floor with a hard clank making Bellamy jump as Murphy followed it up through the doorway, pulling himself to his feet and kicking the door shut behind him.

“So this is the grounder?” Murphy asked, apparently not bothered by the fact he was dripping a puddle on the floor and looked like a very muddy drowned rat. “Raven's got the radio working. Clarke's having the doc talk her through getting the knife out of Finn.”

“Will he be okay?”

“Don't know.” Murphy said with a shrug, shaking his head like a dog trying to try itself.

“Get some dry clothes on.”

“Don't have any spare clothes.” Murphy said with a shrug. “I'll dry out. So what are we doing with the-”

“There's clothes there.” Bellamy interrupted, pointing to the small pile of clothes he'd scavenged for Murphy earlier. “Go on.”

“I'm fine.”

“You'll get sick staying in wet clothes.” Bellamy said. Murphy paused, eyeing the clothes for a moment before he gave a small nod and moved over to the clothes.

Murphy was wandering back to Bellamy's side a few minutes later, skin clear of mud, clothes dry and shivering. Bellamy's guard jacket wrapped tightly around him, his eyes once again on the grounder, curious and searching, Bellamy could practically see the wheels turning in his head as he tried to figure the stranger out.

“He said anything yet?”

“No. But we'll make him talk.” Bellamy said stiffly, glaring at the man before him who looked right back, unflinching despite being held in the enemies camp.

Bellamy wasn't even shocked when they turned to torture. He knew that even though he wouldn't have admitted it this was where he thought it would end up but that still didn't make it any easier. His fingers gripped tight around the seatbelt, his heart racing as he looked up at the man again who still watched him cooly, no traces of fear.

_What the hell am I doing_ Bellamy thought, feeling bile in his throat, his eyes moved to Murphy, standing watching his eyes flickering between Bellamy and the grounder seemingly stuck between apprehension at what was about to happen and joy at the justice he would feel watching as grounder suffer, he looked to Clarke, watching him with a steely resolve. Ready to do what she had to to save Finn, no matter how ugly.

The grounders were a threat, they needed answers, the man wouldn't talk, the grounders had killed his friends, his people, Finn was dying because of _this_ grounder.

Bellamy grit his teeth, rolling his shoulders.

_One more bad thing_ He threw his arm forwards, the metal end of the seat belt cracking across skin in a sickening slap.

It kept going, hit after hit. Blood dripping to the floor. No matter what they did, it wasn't working. The grounders breath shook, Bellamy's fingers trembled, Octavia begged, she went from him to Clarke, to Miller. Trying to make them stop, sharp words thrown out like knives as if insulting them would make the situation better. Bellamy wanted to stop, wanted to turn back time and make everything okay. Octavia was already mad at him and rightly so after what he'd said to her earlier that day, he didn't need to be pushing her any further away.

But, Finn was dying and Octavia _was_ right, if he'd listened to her and left when she wanted he wouldn't have gotten hurt. If he'd listened to Murphy about hiding the radio three hundred arkers would still be alive. If he'd listened to Clarke and Wells about the wrist bands, if he'd listened to his mother about keeping Octavia in the room. If, if if.

Bellamy didn't want any more what if's, he didn't want to look back on this moment when standing over Finn's grave and think 'what if i'd pushed a bit harder'. He could save him, one person, that was all he was asking for, one life spared, just this one.

“You can't-”

“Get her out of here.” Bellamy growled, interrupting Octavia, eyes staying on the grounder who was watching Octavia closely, his grip tightened on the seatbelt, ready to hit him with it again.

“Murphy.” Octavia pleaded. Bellamy's grip loosened, eyes moving to Murphy. He'd almost forgotten he was in the room, Tucked away in the corner, Octavia standing by him looking seconds away from tugging on his sleeve like a child begging a parent for something. Murphy's blue eyes slid from Bellamy and the grounder to her, an eyebrow raising. “He'll listen to you just tell him to stop.”

“And why would I do that?” Murphy drawled.

“He saved their lives. The grounders would have killed all of them if he hadn't blown that horn.”

“I'd be a lot more inclined to say thank you for that if he wasn't letting spacewalker die.”

“Murphy please.”

“You should leave. No reason you should watch this.”

“Mur-”

“His people killed Mbege.” Murphy growled, blue eyes burning in rage. “You should stop asking me for help and focus on getting the grounder to talk before Bellamy gets tired believe me, what he's doing will look like play fighting compared to what I've got planned for him.” Bellamy shivered at the look in Murphy's eyes, pure hatred seeping out into the room as he stared at the grounder, lips curled in a twisted grin.

He didn't doubt Murphy could kill someone, he'd known it since Murphy had pulled out a knife during his fight with Wells. But the way his milky eyes bore into the grounder proved to Bellamy that he really would kill the grounder. That if they'd left Murphy alone with him they'd come back to find blood leaking across the floor and a remorseless Murphy standing over the corpse. Fully accepting in his actions.

“You make me sick.” Octavia snarled.

It carried on, Bellamy moved from the seatbelt to stabbing a screw straight through the mans hand. The feel of it made him want to throw up, the way it cracked through muscles and scrapped against bone making the metal vibrate beneath Bellamy's palm.

Then Raven came and Bellamy was thankful for the break, even if he hated watching the way the grounder finally showed fear, trying to scuttle away from the sparking wires. Raven had the same look as Murphy, the same sense of justice, like she knew without a doubt what she was doing was right, believing in it 100%. No hesitation, no nerves. Bellamy wasn't sure whether or not he was happy he felt horrified at his actions as he looked over the bloody grounder.

It happened too fast. Octavia rushing forwards, dragging a poisoned knife across her own wrist. Bellamy only just noticed before she'd done it, barely muttered an objection and hadn't even taken a step forwards before a red seam was appearing on her skin.

Murphy had been faster, but not fast enough, his hand knocking the knife away leaving a jagged line towards the edge of her wrist as it was flung to the floor. It barely bothered Octavia. She shoved Murphy out of the way and crouching in front of the grounder.

Bellamy was sure he hadn't breathed again until Octavia was sipping the remains of the antidote, a 'bandage' as fresh as they could get with their limited supplies wrapped tightly around the self inflicted wound on her wrist.

Somewhere amongst the chaos of the day the storm had ended. The Delinquents had filtered back outside to the muddy camp and their own tents. Bellamy wished he could follow. That he could fall into his own tent and sleep for the next few weeks. Forget about everything that had happened recently. Forget the way his sister had shrugged him off when he tried to help her with her arm but he couldn't. He had a camp to run, he had an enemy tied up upstairs, he couldn't rest. He watched Octavia storm away with a sigh of regret. He'd told Clarke that who they are and who they need to be to survive are very different things and god, he hoped he was right. That he wasn't really this person, the person who tortured, the person who sacrificed 300 people to save himself.

“What are we going to do with him?” Miller asked. Bellamy pulled his eyes away from Octavia's retreating form

“You're going to get some sleep. I'll guard the grounder.” Bellamy said. “Look through his stuff again, see if there's anything we missed or..” Bellamy paused, eyes fluttering around the bottom level of the drop ship and finally clicking on the fact one person was missing. “Where's Murphy?”

“He stayed with the grounder.” Bellamy was moving before Miller finished talking. Scrambling up the ladder, shoes clicking against the metal as he moved.

“Where are you hurrying off too?” Murphy drawled. Bellamy froze, hand pausing inches away from the final hatch, eyes skittering back to the floor of the middle level of the drop ship. Murphy was sat on a crate watching him with a small smirk.

He looked clean, well, as clean as someone could look on the grounder. Bellamy's guard jacket still hung around his shoulders. The dark clothes only highlighting how pale his skin was. His gaze lingered on Murphy's hands, running over his long fingers, the knife twirling between them, he was unsure what to think when there was no blood. His eyes crept up, pausing at the dark mark on Murphy's neck from the noose he thought of the seatbelt sitting in the room above them. Of the fact Murphy who'd made the fact he was ready and willing to kill, or at least hurt, the grounder common knowledge earlier.

“Is he dead?” Bellamy croaked, fingers twitching by the hatch, arm beginning to ache from holding it up.

“No.” Murphy said. Using the knife to dig dirt out from beneath his nails. “He's fine. If we're counting the state you lot left him in fine.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Whys he not dead?” Bellamy asked, moving slowly down the rungs of the ladder, feet hitting the floor with a gentle tap. Murphy's head dipped, looking up at Bellamy from beneath his eyelashes, dirty brown hair framing his face casting it into shadows. His tongued darted out, wetting his lips. He shrugged. Scrubbing a hand across his nose leaving Bellamy worried for a split second he was going to accidentally stab himself in the face.

“Your sister said he saved your life.” Murphy said. Bellamy paused, the conversation feeling strangely loaded. Bellamy averted his eyes, clearing his throat.

“So you're with her now? Think we should let him go free?” Bellamy tried. Murphy sat back to full height, rolling his shoulders and returning to cleaning his nails.

“Not a chance, but it did slow me down enough to realise he's of more use to us alive.”

“He won't talk.” Bellamy said.

“Yes he will.”

“We tortured him..I tortured him.” Bellamy corrected. “and he barely flinched he won't-”

“Everyone's got a weakness. You just need to find it and thanks to your sister we did.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, he gave us the antidote the second O was in danger, he has a drawing of her, he saved you and I'm guessing that was about her too. She got hurt and he squealed so we just need to-”

“We're not hurting Octavia to get him to talk.” Bellamy growled. Murphy raised an eyebrow at him.

“We don't have to hurt anyone. Give it enough time and he'll tell her everything we need to know. Fear's a great motivator but hopes better. I say we let O talk to him.”

“No.” Bellamy said instantly.

“Bellamy-”

“Even if I didn't have a problem with my sister being around that grounder, and I do, he wouldn't tell her anything, he doesn't even speak English.”

“He can, he just hasn't said anything yet.” Murphy said, looking so sure of himself Bellamy couldn't help but believe him. “If we sent her up there he wouldn't tell her anything, but If we let them think she's sneaking up there then-”

“No.” Bellamy repeated stiffly. “I don't want her anywhere near him.”

“We could get answers.”

“She could get killed.”

“He's tied up, and he's made it pretty obvious he has no intention of hurting her.”

“She's not going up there.” Bellamy said, effectively ending the conversation. Murphy pursed his lips, nodding stiffly in the 'yes boss' way Bellamy grew accustomed to in the first few days on the ground. “I won't risk her life Murphy.” He added weakly.

“I get it.” Murphy said. “Nothing will ever come before the baby sis.” He stood up suddenly, Bellamy barely holding back a flinch. He watched as Murphy swaggered towards him stopping in front of him with a stiff frown.“You do know you're going to have to kill him right? We can't let him go, he'll-”

“I know.” Bellamy said quickly, he knew, but that didn't mean he had to think about that, not yet. “That's a problem for another day. For now we'll just..keep trying to talk to him. You should get some sleep..”

“Not tired.”

“It's been a long day Murphy.” Bellamy said gently.

_It's okay to be tired_ Bellamy wanted to say.

“Just another day on the ground.” Murphy said, Bellamy opened his mouth, ready to argue. “I'm not tired, but you are. You look terrible. Get some sleep, I'll watch the grounder.”

“I need to-”

“We need a leader who's not too tired to think straight Bellamy. Go take a nap. God knows you need one.” Murphy said.

“You sure?” Murphy gave a nod of agreement, lips tilting in a small, genuine smile. Bellamy returned it, it was weary and brittle but there, some of the weight from Bellamy's shoulders chipping away, the nerves assaulting him calming to a dull hum that made everything seem more bearable. “I'll get someone to replace you in a few hours.” Bellamy promised, resisting the urge to yank Murphy into a hug and burrow his face into the crook of the mans neck which, at that moment, looked like a very good pillow. “Don't leave the room and take a weapon just in case. O doesn't get anywhere near him.” Bellamy croaked, forcing himself to turn and leave before he forced Murphy into becoming his teddy bear.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. As always comments/kudos are muchhh appreciated :) hope you're all doing well


	18. No we will never rest

Murphy wasn't sleeping.

The grounder was still locked up in the top level, effectively closing it to all but four of them, Finn was recovering, not too well but getting there, Raven was working on a way to really talk to the ark, properly, not over the crackling mess they had for a radio, the ark _would_ be coming down, Bellamy would have to run, Octavia still wasn't talking to him, they're food sources were running low. He had too many problems to deal with, too many things that needed his attention and he knew he should be giving it whole heartedly to any of those situations.

But Murphy wasn't sleeping and no amount of Bellamy urging for him to go to bed was changing that so Bellamy couldn't focus on the other things, not when Murphy was right there looking like death warmed over. Bellamy knew it wasn't because Murphy couldn't sleep. Because he wasn't just entirely not sleeping. Bellamy would find him around camp dozing off, or more, around Clarke. Her, Monty and Raven were spending most of their time in the drop ship, the two engineers trying to figure out how to make a video uplink and Murphy had taken to loitering with them and then, eventually, falling asleep in a corner until someone rushed into the drop ship or a fight broke out from outside and he'd wake up.

The bruises on his face had faded to yellows and lime greens leaving the deep bags beneath his eyes standing out against porcelain skin and Bellamy with worry clawing it's way through him leaving hi unable to really focus on anything else. He would have locked Murphy on the top floor so he could get some sleep uninterrupted by the noise of camp if the grounder weren't up there. He was considering forcing the camp to be quiet for a day, or at least a few hours, so that Murphy would sleep for more than ten minutes but he was pretty sure if Murphy found out he would at the very least punch him. As the days wore on he was getting snappier, lip curling into a snarl more and more often, almost always directed at Bellamy when he'd urge him to go get some real sleep.

He'd spit out that he was fine, that he wasn't tired, that he'd sleep later. When Bellamy had physically shoved Murphy into the boys tent so he could get some sleep Murphy had been in there for all of half an hour before he stormed back out looking crazed and in a worse mood than before.

Bellamy got it, he remembered what it was like going back to Murphy's room after he'd been locked up. Or, worse, back to his own room after Octavia had been thrown in the sky box and his mother floated. To see his home, their home, and find it empty and know that it would stay that way was hell. He'd heard from Miller that Mbege and Murphy had been cell mates almost the entire time Murphy was in lock up, save for a few weeks in the beginning. Their tent would be a reminder that Mbege was gone, where as falling asleep while Raven, Monty and Clarke worked wasn't, it was safe. No one in the room had actively tried to kill him. It made sense.

That didn't make Bellamy any happier that Murphy was avoiding his tent and only sleeping in short intervals when he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer but he'd heard understanding a problem was part of solving it.

Bellamy stepped lightly as he could off the last step of the ladder, shoes hitting the mental with a soft clang, his eyes moving to the corner where Murphy was curled in a ball sleeping soundly.

Monty and Raven worked silently in the centre of the room. Clarke hovering near them looking like she was about to fall asleep as well. Her tired eyes met his, a small frown forming as she no doubt thought about where he'd just come from. Bellamy looked back to Murphy, watching as his nose twitched in his sleep, lips parted softly.

“How longs he been asleep for?” Bellamy asked gently..

“About fifteen minutes.” Monty said, fiddling with some wires.

“Good.” Bellamy said. “You two almost have that thing working?”

“Should be working by tomorrow.” Raven said.

“MOTHER FUCKER!” Murphy sat up fast, eyes blinking rapidly as he looked around. Bellamy grit his teeth, turning towards the door as Peter rushed in cradling a bloody hand, still letting out a loud stream of swear words.

 _Right on time_ Bellamy thought bitterly, looking back to Murphy who'd moved to his feet, rubbing one hand over his tired eyes and giving his head a hard shake to wake himself up. His eyes found Bellamy almost instantly, like he could sense him in the room.

“My turn to watch the grounder?”

“Yeah. Unless you want to get some sle-”

“I'm fine.” Murphy admonished, shooing Bellamy away from the ladder and hopping his way up it with surprising speed and grace for someone who had barely slept in three days. Bellamy listened as the hatch to the top floor opened and closed, Murphy's drawling voice muffled by the metal as he greeted the grounder and started in on what Bellamy believed was a plan to make the grounder talk by annoying him into it.

“How long can people last without sleep?” Bellamy asked, trying to count in his head how long it had been since Murphy had a decent night of rest. First there had been Jaspers screaming in pain keeping everyone awake, then Well's death, Ravens pod coming down, finding Octavia. At the very least it was 9 days.

“He's sleeping.” Clarke said, pressing a make shift bandage to the wound on Peter's hand. “You'll be fine, wash it out, keep pressure on it.”

“Not enough.” Bellamy said.

“There's a lot of blood.” Peter mumbled nervously.

“It's not deep, if it's still bleeding in an hour or you start to feel dizzy come back.” Clarke hummed.

“Clarke.” Bellamy huffed.

“I'm listening.” Clarke replied stiffly. “He's sleeping, maybe not a lot but I'm not worried. Best thing you can do is put him to work and tire him out enough he _has_ to get a decent night sleep.”

“but-”

“Everyone here is having trouble sleeping. They're scared, and hungry.” She said, with a pointed look that had Bellamy rolling his eyes.

“I'll go hunting soon.”

“We need to add more meat into our diets or-”

“I know.” Bellamy said for what felt like the hundredth time. “I've got to check on-” Bellamy waved to the outside of the drop ship, eyes moving back to the celling, where Murphy was high above him. “Make sure he doesn't fall asleep while on guard. If he does, let him sleep and come get me or Miller.” Bellamy knew he didn't exactly have to say it. Tired Murphy was a good little worker. Bellamy had found Miller sleeping on the job no less than three times in the past three days, he'd even fallen asleep guarding the grounder himself once. It was a boring job, being trapped in a metal room with nothing to do other than watch the enemy as he stood, staring quietly at the opposite wall but Murphy didn't do that. He'd shuffle around to keep himself awake, talk at the grounder almost incessantly and Bellamy was sure that the grounder did speak English if only from the slight look of relief he'd get when Bellamy would tell Murphy that his guard shift had end.

Murphy never missed his allocated shifts, never arrived late, never even left for bathroom breaks, he'd just scuttle down the ladder, fast and gangly like a spider and rush off to their 'toilet' the second someone came to relieve him of his post.

*

So when Bellamy went up to the grounder the next morning, ready to try to force Murphy to get some damn sleep again only to find the room empty apart from the glaring grounder he was back down the ladder in a second, rushing out to camp and stalking towards Murphy's tent.

He pulled the flap back, expecting to see Murphy finally sleeping only to find it empty, apart from Murphy's jacket balled up at the edge of it. The camp moved around him, people shuffling past doing their daily jobs as Bellamy's eyes flickered around, searching for a familiar head of hair.

“Has anyone seen Murphy?” Bellamy shouted, drowning out the other noise of the camp. A few mumbled no's rumbled through the camp. He took a steadying breath, telling himself not to panic. That Murphy was fine, probably asleep in some dark hole around camp. He took a lap through the camp, searching every nook and cranny, and tent.

He was sure he hadn't seen Murphy when he went into the drop ship earlier, but, perhaps he'd been wrong, distracted, and just hadn't spotted Murphy. He moved back towards the ship, eyes scanning the bottom level, frowning when he saw no trace of Murphy.

“You seen Murphy?” Bellamy asked gruffly.

 _What if the grounder did something?_ Bellamy thought, inching towards the ladder once more.

“Not since he went hunting.” Clarke said “Raven and Monty got the video upli-”

“When did he go hunting?” Bellamy .

“This morning.”

“Alone?”

“No. A few of them went.”

“Why wasn't I told? I'm the one who arranges hunts.”

“You haven't in a few days and you were asleep. Murphy didn't want to wake you.” She said slowly. “It's not a big deal Bellamy.”

“Not a big deal? He's exhausted, he shouldn't be running around the forest!” Bellamy growled.

“He wanted to get out of camp and it's not like he was doing anything else.”

“He was meant to be guarding the grounder.” Bellamy grumbled.

“The grounder is tied up and we'll be in here all day, we'd hear if he broke free and tried to leave. He can wait, food can't. They'll be back by nightfall.” Clarke reasoned. Bellamy ground his teeth, forcing the argument down. It wouldn't help, wouldn't make Murphy appear back in camp it would just piss Clarke off. Murphy would be fine, back in a few hours. There was no need to start an argument over it.

“Who went with him?” Bellamy said, forcing it out in an even tone. Clarke nodded as if saying 'good boy' for him not overreacting.

“Zeke, Elena and Connor.”

“Connor?! You send him out there with Connor?”

“Bellamy, they had to talk at some point.” Clarke said gently.

“Not alone, with weapons. What if he hurts Murphy?”

“I think Murphy would be more likely to hurt him.” Raven mumbled.

“Shut up.” Bellamy hissed.

“They'll be back by nightfall.” Clarke repeated.

“But-”

“We're busy Bellamy. He'll be back by nightfall. If you're so worried about the grounder then go sit with him.” Clarke said, voice sparking with heat. Bellamy grit his teeth, anger bubbling inside of him. “It'll be good for him to get out of camp for a few hours and he'll probably tire himself out enough to sleep.” She added, voice loosing the harsh tone in an instant, moving to soft and soothing. Bellamy knew she was just telling him what he wanted to hear, that she was using the fact that he wanted, no, needed, Murphy to actually sleep, against him but still, it helped. Made his shoulders relax as he thought about Murphy finally resting.

“Fine.” Bellamy mumbled. Stomping up the ladded before she could say anything else. He heard Raven mutter something inaudible and Clarke let out a small bubble of laughter before he was shoving the hatch open and crawling into the top floor, ready to spend a day glaring at the side of the grounders head.

*

The shouts, when they came, were muffled. Seeping though his bored, sleepy brain for a few moments before it clicked that they weren't the usual loud tones from camp and instead fearful ones telling him something was going wrong. His eyes slid to the grounder, the mans eyes were on the closed trap door, head tilted curiously. Bellamy stood slowly, the grounders eyes moving over to him. Cool, giving nothing away. He wrenched the trap door open.

“What's going on?” Bellamy shouted down the hatch. No one answered, he heard the scuttle of footsteps from the bottom floor. Saw a flash of blond hair as Clarke moved bellow the small opening to the next trap door.

“Put him down, gently! We need to get the arrow out.” Bellamy was down the ladder before he thought about it, slamming the door behind him as he raced down the prongs. He landed on the bottom floor with a harsh clang.

The drop ship was packed, delinquents hovering as Zeke was placed on a table, Clarke wasted no time getting to him, hands probing around an arrow protruding from his side. Zeke let out a bitten off whimper, hands gripping the edge of the metal table he lay on with a white knuckled grip. Bellamy couldn't breath, his eyes on the arrow, end slick with blood as it leaked sluggishly from around the arrow head.

_Murphymurphymurphy_

“What happened? Where are the others?” Bellamy asked, rushing forwards.

“I don't know I need-” A few people tried to shove their way to the front of the throng of people watching. “Everyone out!” Clarke boomed. Collective sighs sounded before the group begun to shuffle their way out of the drop ship.

“Hey, watch the grounder.” Miller ordered, shoving dax towards the ladder before he could make it out and then moving to Bellamy's side. “what happened?”

“I don't know.” Clarke snipped. “I need to remove the arrow.”

“Should I call the ark?” Raven asked nervously.

“No, it's not very deep.” Clarke said voice lined with relief. “I just need some water and-”

“What happened?” Bellamy asked again, striding forwards so Zeke could look at him without moving.

“Grounders.” Zeke grit out.

“Where are the others?”

“Connor's dead.”

 _No_ Bellamy sucked in a breath, clammy hands pressing against the cool metal table. He opened his mouth to ask, the words dying on his tongue, crackling out with a few pathetic croaking sounds.

“And Murphy?” Miller asked for him.

“No clue man.” Zeke groaned. “Can I get this out-”

“What do you mean no clue? “ Bellamy growled,finding his voice again. No clue was better than dead, no clue meant he could be fine. “You were with him I-”

“Lost him. The first arrow hit Connor. Murphy grabbed him, used him to shield us. Which, was cool, but gross. They were everywhere Bellamy, we each chose a way, figured, more chance you know, they might just chase one of us, so we ran and well. ..I guess they chased Murphy.”

“You guess?” Bellamy croaked. “What do you-

“Bellamy, not now.” Clarke snapped.

“Thank you.” Zeke sighed, head hitting back against the metal with a dull thunk.

“but Murp-”

“I literally have an arrow in me dude. Murphy can wait.” Zeke groaned.

“Give me 10 minutes then you can ask him all the questions you want.” Bellamy wanted to protest when he saw Finn puffing up his chest in the corner, ready to defend the princess and he realised the argument wasn't worth it.

“Fine. Miller. I want people posted on the wall and get that gate closed now. You see Murphy you let him in, otherwise it stays closed.” Miller nodded, rushing off with a pat on the back, Bellamy heard the rumble of his voice as he ordered everyone around outside. Eyes moving back to Clarke and Zeke. He watched silently as Clarke removed the arrow and stitched up the wound, preparing questions in his head for when he was allowed to ask again so when she finally nodded him over Bellamy practically flew at Zeke, barking out questions one after the other barely taking a breath. Zeke told him everything he could, where abouts they were, how many grounders they saw, which way Murphy had run, another story about how cool but gross Murphy using someone as a shield was, By the time Zeke finished his tale Miller was walking into the drop ship, shoulders drooping guiltily.

“No sign of any grounders.” He said tentatively.

“And Murphy?” Bellamy asked, he knew the answer and wasn't surprised in the slightest when Miller frowned and shook his head

Bellamy took a deep breath through his nose, regretting it when the smell of blood and moonshine stung his nostrils. He thought of Mrs Murphy, of her boozy breath and of Murphy somewhere in the forest, bleeding and scared and so so tired.

“We need to look for him.” Bellamy decided. Mind running through Zeke's story, he could follow the directions he'd given, it wouldn't be too hard, take weapons, more people. Maybe the grounder, they could use him as a hostage. Surely the grounders would kill their own just to get to the delinquents.

“No.” Clarke said, interrupting his thoughts.

“What?” Bellamy asked, a laugh of disbelief bubbling out of him. “What do you mean, no?”

“You can't go looking for him.” Clarke said softly. The smile fell, his face hardening in an instant as he took a step towards her.

“Clarke-”

“Bellamy, we lost three people when Octavia was missing.” Clarke pointed out. Bellamy winced at the reminder.

“I know, but we found her and this won't be like that we can-”

“Bell.” Octavia said. Bellamy wasn't even sure when she'd entered the drop ship.

“You talking to me now?” Bellamy said stiffly. He knew she was taking Clarke's side, could see it in the tense set of her shoulders and twist of her lips.

“If the grounders caught up with Murphy he's already dead.” She said so bluntly Bellamy was sure she was trying to hurt him. “Sending people out there will just get more of us killed. I get he's your long lost boyfriend or whatever but there's no point sending people after a dead man.” Yes, definitely trying to hurt him.

“He's not dead.” Bellamy growled. “We have to-”

“Bellamy.” Miller said softly. Bellamy turned to Miller, pleading for him to understand, to back Bellamy up on this. He opened mouth, pausing, closing it again and licking his lips before he started to talk. “Murphy might be okay.” He said slowly. “But they're right, it's too dangerous for us to go searching for him when we know grounders are out there looking for blood.”

“Miller-”

“It's safer for Murphy if we stay here too.” He licked his lips again. “It's getting dark, Murphy knows his way back to camp, he'll find it a lot easier to sneak around if it's not a whole group of us.” Miller said gently.

“Then I'll go alone “ Bellamy decided.

“Bellamy-”

“If he's injured he might not be able to walk back on his own.” Bellamy said.

“And if he's dead then you're just getting yourself killed.” Miller said.

“He's not dead!” Bellamy shouted, hands shaking by his side, he took a steadying breath. “He can't be dead. He got away. He had to and now he's lost, or hurt and-” His voice was weak, cracking, desperate and he hated it. Was happy when Clarke's gentle voice interrupted him.

“Bellamy.”

“I'm not abandoning him. Not again.” Bellamy breathed. The room was silent, Bellamy could practically feel the pity seeping from the others. He would be with the others if it weren't Murphy. Telling them not to risk it, that it was too dangerous. But it was Murphy and Bellamy had lost him once already. He wouldn't wait three years to do something about it this time. “Miller, put extra guards on the wall, have someone guard the grounder. Clarke, Octavia doesn't leave this camp, she'll stay here and help you with Zeke.”

“You're not going.” Clarke said. “As much as I hate to admit it we need you here. I'm not going to let you leave this camp just to get yourself killed.”

“And how are you going to stop me?” Bellamy asked.

“I'll tell the guards they're not allowed to open the gates.” Clarke said, tilting her chin up defiantly. Bellamy's eyes narrowed.

“I'd like to see you try.” Bellamy grumbled, stomping out of the drop ship. He heard the hurried clump of footsteps behind him. She couldn't stop him. Clarke may run things as well but the militia was his. They listened to him and, if he wasn't there then Miller or Murphy. But not Clarke, Clarke was still the privileged to many of them.

“Hey everyone!. Bellamy doesn't leave this camp. Those gates stay closed no matter what.” Miller called. Bellamy froze as all eyes turned towards him. His blood running cold as they each gave confused nods of agreement. Bellamy turned slowly, mouth suddenly dry as he looked to where Miller and Clarke stood, watching him apologetically.

“Miller what the-”

“I'm not letting you get yourself killed Bellamy.” And god, Bellamy wanted to hate him for it. But it was Miller, who'd been there after Murphy was gone the first time, who was there after Octavia and Aurora were gone, trying to pull Bellamy out of his depression. Trying to convince him that living was actually a pretty good option. He was pretty sure He'd said the same thing to him a year ago. With the same heartbroken tone like he knew Bellamy was going to be furious with him wanting him to live.

“Murphy-”

“Murphy's dead.” Miller said, pleading. A murmur ran through the camp at the words.

“You don't know that.”

“They were cornered by grounders. The fact that Zeke got away is a miracle. It also means they were distracted by something to let him slip through.”

“You want to guess what that something was...or should I say someone.” Octavia said. Bellamy rolled his eyes, stalking towards the gate only to have to stop a few feet from it when a line of his militia met him, eyeing him nervously acting as a human barricade. Bellamy wanted to laugh. This wasn't happening, his own army was not actually stopping him from leaving. He turned back to the three on the ramp.

“Let me go.”

“Can't do that Bell.” Miller said.

“What if it was Wells?” Bellamy asked croakily, looking between Miller and Clarke. Clarke's face softened at the name of her friend, her resolve cracked but not gone. “Or Atom.” he looked to Octavia who's frown just deepened, a furrow at her brow as if deep in thought. His eyes found Clarke again. She could stop this, she would understand.“He's my friend. I've known him since he was 9. How can you expect me to just leave him,?”

“You did it once.”

“Dammit O will you-”

“You can go at first light.” Clarke said softly.

“Clarke-”

“It's dark Bellamy. We're not opening our gates and sending the leader of our 'army' out to die when there might be an attack. And you're right, we don't know he's dead. He might be fine, making his way back. If that's the case we definitely don't want to risk you for nothing. If he's not back by first light we'll got find him.” He wanted to argue, to say screw it and just try to fight his way to the gate but he didn't. That wouldn't help Murphy, it would just get him locked up by Clarke and Miller. If he wanted to help Murphy, he'd need them to think he was on board, that he was going to compromise.

“We leave at first light, not a second later?” Bellamy said, swallowing the string of curses he wanted to scream at everyone.

“First thing, I promise

“Fine.” Bellamy lied, barring his teeth in a forced smile before he stormed off towards his tent. No way in hell was he going to wait till first light to find Murphy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :D Will hopefully update soon so stay tuned for more (slower burn than i expected) Murphamy


	19. I'm a little unsteady

The hidden tunnels in and out of camp had been put there so that they could have a quick escape route and the element of surprise during the inevitable fight with the grounders, not for sneaking out. Bellamy had even told those in the militia that they weren't to use the tunnels unless told to, or in a life or death situation. But, technically, Bellamy thought as he ducked through the shadow and threw himself into the small tunnel, it was life or death.

He kept his footfalls light as he left the short tunnel, keeping low, hidden by the shadows as he breached the camps walls. He'd complained yesterday that they had blind spots in their defences, but now he was happy for it, knowing he could sneak out undetected, that didn't keep him from holding his breath and inching away as quietly as he could.

Bellamy wanted to cheer when he realised he made it, picking up his pace, a satisfied smile slipping onto his face. Hopefully the hard part was over, hopefully he'd find Murphy after a short walk and bring him back to camp only receiving a short lecture from Miller before he would be allowed to drag Murphy off to his tent to finally get some sleep, because god knows Bellamy was not letting the man out of his sight again.

He would be there to stop Murphy burning down people's homes or pissing people off enough that they wanted to hang him, he'd stop him from going on suicidal hunting trips.

He just needed to find him first.

His footsteps faltered as he saw light creeping up behind him, head turning and feeling his blood run cold when he spotted the flickering light of a torch moving closer. Bellamy dove behind a tree. Holding his breath, listening to the crunch of twigs as the person moved closer.

The golden light shone around the tree, a long shadow creeping across the floor.

 _Go past, don't see me, keep walking_ Bellamy thought desperately.

“I know you're there Bellamy.” A low voice came, Bellamy sighed, head hitting the bark with a thunk, eyes slipping closed. Maybe if he kept his eyes closed and said nothing Finn would leave him alone. He listened to the crack of a twig as Finn stepped around the tree, the heat of the torch hitting his face, orange glowing behind his eyelids. Slowly he let them open. Finn stood in front of him, frown in place, burning torch held towards Bellamy.

“I'm not going back to camp.”

“I know, which is why you're going to need a tracker.”

“You're meant to be on bed rest.”

“You're the one who wanted us doing whatever the hell we want.”

“When Raven realises you're gone-”

“She got the video working, her and Clarke will be talking to the ark all night.”

“Wrong.” The two men jumped as Clarke appeared, face hooded in disappointment as she looked between the two.

“Really Bellamy? Twenty minutes was all it took?”

“Go back to camp.” He started walking again, rolling his eyes at the footsteps that followed him. “Both of you.”

“I said I'd come with you in the morning.” Clarke sighed.

“He could be dead by morning.” Bellamy snapped.

“How do you even plan on finding him without me? You're not a tracker.” Finn said.

“Zeke gave me directions. After that it's looking for footprints, how hard could it be?”

“You could die.” Clarke pointed out.

“I'll be fine. Go back to camp, make sure everyone stays on their posts and-”

“Will you stop.” Clarke said stiffly, tone holding no room for arguments. Bellamy came to a stop, puffing out his cheeks as he let out a harsh breath, eyes searching the dark trees in front of him, hoping for Murphy to pop out from the shadows.

“The only way you're getting me back to camp without Murphy is if you knock me out and drag me.” Bellamy said. Turning back to look at Clarke who looked ready to do just that.

“Don't tempt me.” She mumbled. “You're really not going to come back until we've looked are you?” Bellamy not answering gave her her answer, her hand came up, sweeping through her silky blonde hair. “Did you at least bring a weapon?”

“I'm not an idiot.” Bellamy snapped, Clarke and Finn gave him matching looks that showed they disagreed wholeheartedly with that statement.

“Then I'll come with you. If he is hurt you'll need me.”

“I'm coming too.”

“No Finn, go back to-”

“If you want to find him you'll need me.” Finn said. Bellamy turned, walking off into the tree's.

“Decide who's coming and get a move on. We're wasting time.” He huffed. “And put the damn torch out before you draw every grounder in a two mile radius to us.”

*

Neither of them left, both scurrying after Bellamy as he followed Zeke's directions, twisting and turning through the low hanging branches. It took everything he had to not start screaming Murphy's name in the hopes he'd find them before the grounders found him.

If he was alone, he might have risked it.

They found Connor almost an hour later, deep in the woods, riddled with arrows, skin waxy and cold. It was Finn who noticed the worn footprints leading away, fast and panicked. A pool of blood met it's end. Horse hooves surrounding it in what looked like a struggle.

Bellamy eyed the dried blood in horror. He knew it wasn't Connors, that Zeke had run off to the left from his body and this was far to the right. The ground was kicked up, what looked like finger marks gouged into the softer mud. He could feel Clarke and Finn watching him wearily, as if he were about to explode. His mouth filling with too much saliva as if he were about to throw up, he kept swallowing it down. Staring at the pool of blood that looked too big against the mud.

He wanted to tell himself it wasn't Murphy's blood, that perhaps it was something else, an animals, a grounders. But a flash a silver and the familiar stripy yellow handle of Murphy's knife made that impossible to do.

Murphy hadn't come home.

Murphy's blood was staining the forest floor.

Bellamy knew, deep down, what that meant. That the most logical explanation, the most realistic, was that Murphy was...but he hoped, that just this once logic and realism wasn't right. That in this situation 2 plus two could equal five and Murphy would shout out his name from his hiding place and let Bellamy come and save him.

“It could be like with Octavia” Bellamy croaked. Trying to ignore the way it felt like the world was crumbling beneath him, a hand clenched round his heart keeping it from beating. “A grounder took him and is keeping him somewhere.” _Please please please._ He looked up to Clarke, her pale face glowing in the moonlight as she looked at the pool of blood and then off towards where the hooves had galloped away.

“It's not like with Octavia.” She said quietly, barely a whisper. “He's not-”

“No.” Bellamy said stiffly, desperately. “No, His body's not here, that means they took him, they wouldn't take him if he were-”

“Bellamy. There's too much blood.” Clarke said, her voice gentle in a way that made Bellamy feel sick. His eyes moved back to the red stains on the ground. “He wouldn't have-” Clare prattled on, words drawling out like honey. Bellamy could barely hear her, his eyes on the pool of blood, on the familiar knife. He closed his eyes, blocking out the hum of talking.

 _Murphy's dead_ That was the gist, that was all he needed to know.

Bellamy keeled over, bile burning it's way through his throat, pouring onto the ground leaving Clarke freezing in her spiel. Bellamy's back arched against the vomit. His heart thumping wildly in his chest, tears stinging in his eyes. He took a shaky breath when he finished, ducking away from the hand reaching for his shoulder. It hadn't helped when his mother had been floated, it wouldn't help now. He sucked in a rattling breath, using his sleeve to wipe his mouth, spitting onto the floor.

 _I want my mom._ Bellamy thought hysterically, remembering the way she'd found him when he first lost Murphy, the way she'd pulled him in so tight and held him as he broke apart.

But there was no one now. His mother was gone, Murphy too, Octavia hated him. If he shattered, if he let this rip him apart in the way it was threatening to there would be no one to hold him together.

 _In, out_ Bellamy breathed.

“We should get Connors body back to camp.” Bellamy said, forcing himself to stand upright again, trying to ignore the shake to his hands as he moved over and grabbed Murphy's knife from it's seat on the floor. “Now.” Bellamy ordered when he noticed Clarke and Finn had yet to move.

“Bellamy-”

“Don't.” Bellamy pleaded. Clarke's eyes were shining, empathy pouring from her in waves. She gave a slow nod, accepting Bellamy's repression.

“Okay lets go.” She said softly. Bellamy took off, back towards Connors body, refusing to look back at the pool of blood.

*

The walk back to camp was silent, filled with only the crunch of feet over branches, the pack of cards in Bellamy's pocket knocking against his hip with each step. Murphy's knife tucked into the waist band of his jeans, metal burning his skin. Connors blood rubbing off on him as he carried the body.

Bellamy stared at Connor while Clarke begun ordering people to bury him. Eyes running over the snapped off arrows How many people had they lost now? How many had Bellamy failed to protect? If he'd let them talk to the ark, if he hadn't broken the wrist bands, the ark might have come down by now. The 300 dead from the ark would still be alive, and those from the ground would have back up against the grounders.

“What about Murphy?” The question was quiet, barely a murmur passing through Millers lips. Bellamy looked up with wet eyes as Clarke gave a small shake of her head. He grit his teeth, quickly turning away, shoving through the people to get back to his tent as he tried to keep his breathing even.

He'd lost Murphy, Again. There was no going back, no more miracles of being sent to earth or safety nets of the sky box. He was just gone. His body lost somewhere with the grounders. Bellamy wished that Clarke and Finn hadn't been with him,Wished he could have followed the tracks and tried to get Murphy's body back off of the grounders.

He paused when he reached his tent, eyes moving slowly over to the opposite one. Orange tarp wafting gently in the breeze. He remembered how quickly Murphy's life had vanished from the ark, every trace of him torn from the room while Bellamy wasn't looking. He moved into Murphy's tent on autopilot. Grabbing Murphy's balled up jacket, red spikes itching his palm as he huddled it against his chest and left before he could notice how empty the tent looked.

Bellamy went back to his own tent,sitting on the floor by his bed, legs stretched out in front of him, Murphy's jacket laying across them as he thumbed at Murphy's knife.

No one came to see him, to check if he was okay. Clarke wasn't his friend, why would she. Miller was no doubt busy running things while he hid away like a child and Octavia, well, he couldn't blame her for staying away.

Before long the tent was stifling him, his eyes resting on the place where Murphy had once sat while they talked about the construction of camp. He tossed the jacket to the other side of the tent, wanting it as far away from him as he could get it, let the knife fall to the floor with a soft thud before he was leaving the tent.

He'd thought he'd only been in there for a few minutes, no longer than a half hour, but when he emerged the camp was quiet except from the quiet snores filtering from tents. The occasional shuffle of feet from sleep walking guards at the wall.

Bellamy made his way to the fire, falling down in front of it. Watching the flames until his eyes were dry. When he finally blinked he hoped to see Murphy, sitting across from him like he had done so many times, the fire making his eyes gold.

He pulled a single card from his pocket, turning it over in his hand,, the firelight glinted against a speck of dried blood that sat next to the queen. He thought of Murphy lying on his bed. Eyes shut tightly unaware Bellamy was even there as he pressed the card to his head and blurted out a guess at what card it was. Of how disappointed he looked when he got it wrong, of how quickly that faded away when Bellamy told him he was there to hang out.

Everything reminded him of Murphy. It was almost funny how much the man was on his mind. How every single thing around him was sparking a memory that felt like it was tearing Bellamy apart as he relived it.

He'd heard people say that everyone dies twice. Once when they actually pass away and again when people stop speaking their name, when people stop remembering them. Bellamy wanted it to happen, wondered when the memories would stop haunting him. He wished he could reach into his brain and rip them out, break them off one by one until nothing was left. The good and the bad forgotten, because neither were nice. The bad memories were like fire, scalding their way deep into his very soul as he thought of the times he'd hurt Murphy, of the cold shoulders and the arguments, of everything he should have fixed sooner and the good, the memories were like ice, dunking him into freeing depths and stealing the air from his lungs as he realised that they were all he'd ever get. There would never be another moment where he'd see Murphy laugh, or roll his eyes as cards fluttered around him from another game of 52 card pick up.

They were whispers of what was. The were light being suffocated by the dark as the shadows of the truth crept through what had been Bellamy's happiest memories. Stained forever with the knowledge that it was no more.

Bellamy flipped the card in his hand, moving to hold it with the tips of his fingers, dangling it closer to the fire.

He could get rid of everything that reminded him of Murphy. Could take it from the world in a hiss of fire and wave of heat. Could use a flaming card to bring down Murphy's tent, could throw the rest and Murphy's jacket onto the fire. He could rip down the wall that Murphy helped build, tear the camp apart piece by piece, he could use the fire to bring it all to the ground, burn the earth like it had burnt him.

The flames licked against the edge of the queen, black creeping across the dirty surface as the flames tried to claim it and Bellamy felt panic surging through him at the thought of the card being engulfed by the flames, of the thought of Murphy truly being gone, of nothing being left of him.

Bellamy twirled the card back into his grip, pulling it away from the flames and swallowing the lump in his throat. Eyes wet as he wiped the soot off the cards surface. His breath came out in painful gasps as tears dripped onto the ground. His hand came up, pushing hard against his eyes until he saw spots, until the tears stopped and his breathing returned to normal.

He needed to do something.

Bellamy stood suddenly, shoving the card back into his pocket and making his way through the quiet camp. He didn't stop until he was on the top level of the drop ship, releasing Miller of his position grounder watching. He watched the grounder, waiting for the anger. For the seething hatred to bubble inside of him. No one was there, Murphy had said it, the grounder couldn't leave, they needed to kill him eventually .Why not now? Why not kill him like his people killed Murphy?

But the anger didn't come. Just desperation, confusion. Because how could this happen? How could this be the end of this story.

“Why.” Bellamy choked out. “Why are you killing us?” _Why did you kill him?_

The grounder, of course, didn't answer. His lips stayed closed, his eyes watching Bellamy curiously. It wasn't fair. Bellamy didn't believe in fate, or destiny, but for the universe to put Murphy in his path not once, but twice, it felt like it was meant to be more. Like they were meant to get a real ending. Not a few days of barely their reunion after three years of not speaking. They deserved more, they deserved a happy ending.

Bellamy shook his head, trying to force the thoughts from his mind, letting himself hit the wall and slide down it, cool metal pressing to the back of his neck.

It wasn't meant to be like this. There was meant to be more, he was meant to have more time.

“He was my friend.” Bellamy said brokenly, looking to the grounder, wishing for him to speak, just one word, something to distract Bellamy. He stayed quiet, as always. Bellamy hooked his hands into his hair, tugging on it. Internally screaming for his brain to shut up, for it to stop producing pictures of Murphy, of the tilt to his lips when he'd smile, of the crinkle in his brow when he'd smirk.

“I think I loved him.” The words were off of Bellamy's tongue before they'd even registered in his brain. His heart beat in overdrive as the words repeated in his head. The declaration that he hadn't even meant to say, of feelings he wasn't even aware he'd had ringing in his mind like a gong. Leaving him dry mouthed as he thought of Murphy, of Murphy with his sharp beauty and quick wit, of Murphy who just needed to be standing near for Bellamy to feel more at ease.

“I think I loved him.” He said it again, barely a breath, a broken realisation that had come to late. Bile rose in his throat. His fingers leafed though the cards in his pocket despite the way they felt like they were scorching his fingers. He wanted to laugh, it was just his luck he'd figure it out after Murphy was dead.

“I think I loved him.” Louder this time, his eyes were wet, glassy, everything blurry as he looked to the grounder knowing that he could never tell anyone what Bellamy had discovered, that once Bellamy left the room he could tuck the information away, push it to the very pack of his mind and forget it forever. But for a moment he let the words hang in the air. Let the what if scenario's circle in his mind, taunting him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i'm really unsure about this chapter?? i hopeeeee you liked it but if you didn't i'm very sorry it was a really hard one to write??  
> i'll update soon, promise.


	20. Down to business

When Bellamy thought he was leaving camp for good two days later it was with the sinking feeling that he was going to be alone. He packed his bag with more rations than can be considered normal, even for a paranoid person and took the trip with Clarke, eyes skittering across the forest and despite everything a part of himself was still praying for Murphy to stumble out in front of them with a smirk and some stupid comment proving Clarke wrong about the amount of blood.

He didn't. The way was clear, silent, safe, everything Murphy's trip hadn't been. Clarke started occasional conversations that Bellamy ended with a few half hearted grunts. At least, he thought, he knew O would be safe, Clarke would take care of her, as would Miller, hell, even Jasper would be trying too.

He had the pack of cards in his pocket, Murphy's jacket and the torn of piece of Octavia's clothes that Mbege had found when they were searching for her. It wasn't much, but they would be enough to keep them both with him in a way. Enough that he wouldn't be able to forget them no matter ho much he wished he could.

They were going to be memories of them, of all the awful things he'd done. Of the ways he'd failed, the fact he'd gotten Octavia arrested, that in a way he'd helped get Murphy arrested, that he hadn't been able to protect either of them. A reminder that him being forced to flee, being forced to live alone on a strange planet was no one's fault but his own. A reminder that no one needed him anymore because he'd either pushed them away or gotten them killed.

But then the day turned into a literal nightmare and he found himself sitting with Clarke, bloody and beaten and in so much pain with Clarke saying what he needed desperately to hear, that he was needed, that he could be forgiven. That he has to go back, has to face what he's done and stop running. He goes back to camp with guns and Bellamy finds himself sitting looking at Jaha on the small screen. Clarke talking about how they wouldn't be alive if it weren't for him leaving him gaping and floundering as he tried to strike a deal for his life, one that actually worked. He was forgiven, pardoned for his crimes.

He was a leader that no longer had a reason to flee his post but instead had almost 100 to stay. Scared faces of teenagers looking to him and Clarke for answers on how to survive until the ark reached them. He made himself focus on that, on those that still did need him. Pushing Murphy to the back of his mind as best he could and leading his people. He taught them to shoot with Miller by his side, arranged hunting parties managing to ignore the suffocating pain whenever he thought about how Murphy's hunt had ended. Octavia and he weren't doing any better, he knew that they hadn't fixed everything that went wrong yet but he was happy knowing he at least had a chance to do that. That maybe, one day, he'd be allowed to do it. Murphy had joked before that it would take them three years to reconcile. Bellamy hoped it wouldn't take anywhere near that long, but he was willing to wait if he had to. It would be easier, when the ark was down. When he wasn't trying to keep all of them alive. He'd have time to really sit down and talk to her. To explain that she was one of the best parts of his life. A part that made it worth living. That he was sorry their mom had died but he would have given her up 100000 times if it meant he would end up sitting on the ground watching Octavia smile as she watched a luminescent butterfly flutter through camp her friends sitting by her sides.

Bellamy had crushed his Murphy realisation into the back of his mind, forcing it down, repressing it in a way that would make British people proud. Loosing Murphy was hard enough to deal with already without the added pain of missed opportunities. He'd lost his friend Murphy once and he'd survived, barely, he had practise at it, he could force himself to push his mind else where until he was alone. Could thumb at the cards in his pocket and count his way through them when it got too much for him to handle. He doubted he'd be able to hold it together if he really thought about it though, if he let the truth of loving Murphy infiltrate his mind outside of the dark hollow of the top floor of the drop ship.

He couldn't forget Murphy all together, but he could push that part of it down, could stop himself from dwelling on the what if's, on the if we had longers.

Still, he'd think of Murphy whenever someone did something stupid that he just knew Murphy would be making a comment about. When he entered the drop ship to see Clarke trying to figure out rations and survival while wrapping bandages around the everyday wounds living on the ground gave and his eyes would drift to where Murphy would sleep while she had worked before. The corner void of his presence leaving a gaping hole that he had to force himself to pull his eyes away from.

Before Unity day went to shit it was bitter sweet. It was the memory of masks and a worn red hoodie, the feel of moonshine numbing his mouth, the ghost of Murphy's laugh as they got caught playing hide and seek. The reminder of Roma, young and happy and alive. The look in Murphy's eyes when he saw him standing their, leaving Octavia, defying his mother all for him.

It was Octavia's breathless smile when she stepped out of the compartment for the first time, the joy that swirled in his chest as he watched her dance and be happy. It was the dread as the guards came, the bile in his throat and cool metal on his palms as their mother was ripped from them because he'd defied her again.

It was the cheers from camp as people knocked back drinks, the feeling of the wind on his face as he spent his first unity day on earth, the way Octavia had ducked away from him with a scowl when she spotted him. The thought that Murphy would have loved this, would have been at the centre of the camps celebration, cards in hand as he lead everyone through drinking games he'd learnt from a childhood with an alcoholic as a mother, the fact that Bellamy knew he would have been right there with him, in the thick of it watching with a fond smile and exasperation as Murphy put a drink into his hand waving off Bellamy's complaints that he needed to stay focused.

Despite everything, all the bad memories weighing heavily on his mind it was, for a while, the best unity day ever. The whole camp was happy, behaving their age as they forgot about the brewing war casting a gloomy shadow over their heads. He wasn't too sure when it had happened. When the 100 had really slipped into his world, when he'd let them in enough for the idea of them being hurt or upset made him ache. Perhaps when he'd decided to come back with Clarke, when she'd assured him that they needed him. Bellamy could take care of people, Bellamy wanted to take care of people. Or maybe It was earlier. It was when he watched Atom die and realised that he didn't want to see another one of them die, one of his people.

Of course, it was unity day and in Bellamy's experience that usually meant something bad happening. He wasn't disappointed, barely an hour into the night Clarke was coming to him telling him of a peace talk.

It was the dumbest idea Spacewalker had ever had. Which, considering he'd taken an illegal spacewalk was saying a lot.

The grounder would have made it back to his people, there was no doubt about that. They would know what the 100 had done to him, what Bellamy had done. They'd see the thick welts from a seat belt crashing hard and brutal against his skin. Even before they knew that they'd tortured one of their own they had been all for killing the 100. Their chance of peace was gone the moment the first spear had stabbed into Jaspers chest.

Still, he went. Finn had helped him look for Murphy, even injured, the least he could do was be there to stop him from getting himself killed, or worse, from getting Clarke killed. Followed them through the trees with Jasper and Raven. Two people who barely knew how to use a gun.

He wanted Murphy there. Murphy always had a knack for surprising Bellamy. He was sure Murphy would have pulled something out of his ass that made the whole thing seem like a less awful idea

Even from across the river and a bit down stream he could hear the gentle pats as hooves crashed against stone. Three grounders on horse back appearing at the end of the bridge. A few days ago Bellamy probably would have been excited to see real life horses, would have itched to leave his post and creep forwards so he cold stroke a hand across their backs, feel the coarse fur, try to ride one. Now however, all he could see was the hoof prints pressed into the forest floor around the pool of Murphy's blood.

His finger itched against the trigger, his blood boiling. Maybe one of them was the one who did it. Through the scope he could see the bows and arrows strapped across their backs. Could see Connor riddled with them, Zeke as he whimpered while Clarke pulled the arrow out, as he told him he didn't know where Murphy was. Could picture Murphy exhausted and terrified trying desperately to run away from someone on horse back, moving 10 times faster than he ever could.

Raven's hand reached over, pressing the barrel of the gun down, towards the floor.

“I know you're fond of doing stupid things but if you shoot now all of them could die.” Raven snapped. “Your sister could die.”

“I'm not going to move unless they do.” Bellamy growled, shoving her hand away and lifting his gun back up, setting the scope on Clarke and following her across the bridge, ignoring the way the grounder he'd tortured stood too close to his sister, fingers brushing her waist.

_In, out_ Bellamy forced himself to breath steadily, forced the thoughts of Murphy to the back of his mind, keeping the sights of the gun on the woman Clarke was talking to, ready to take her down if need be. He'd get a chance to pay them back for Murphy he was sure.

The attempt for the peace treaty went about as well as he expected it to. Ending in the loud clap of gunshots and hiss of arrows whizzing through the air. With them running through the forest at full speed. With he, Clarke, Jasper and Raven facing off against enraged Octavia and Finn, like they hadn't just saved their lives.

Bellamy had hoped, after watching Octavia storm away from his yet again that the day couldn't get any worse. A failed peace treaty was more than enough for one day, but then the sky light up as the exodus ship burnt it's way through the atmosphere leaving he and Clarke watching helplessly as it plummeted towards the ground too fast to be normal, as the parachute's didn't open and it hit with a rumble they heard even from miles away. A mushroom cloud of smoke rose, the horizon burning with distant fire from the wreckage as Clarke collapsed to her knees.

He felt a sick burst of satisfaction when after Clarke had calmed down he'd suggested they leave to go check out the wreckage at first light. He knew that Clarke and Miller holding him back from going for Murphy twenty minutes earlier made no difference to Murphy's life span, that even if he had left the second he heard the news he wouldn't have made it in time to save him, but there's still a flare of hurt there, a part of him that wants Clarke to feel what he felt when he wasn't allowed to go and find Murphy.

Clarke retreated for the night, with a trembling lip but dry eyes. Strong as ever and Bellamy found himself walking back to Murphy's tent for the first time since he'd taken Murphy's jacket from it. He knew it would be bare but it still didn't stop the shiver of pain rushing through him at the sight of it. The floor still held indents of where Murphy and Mbege had slept. Bellamy lowered himself to the floor at the end of the tent. He remembered how the two had sat facing each other, playing the dumb game Mbege had begun explaining to him. He felt a lump forming in his throat as he waited for something to happen, as he tried to spot some distinguishing feature.

The tent could have been anyone's. There was nothing there that told him it was Murphy's apart from his memory of it. It didn't even smell like him, just smelt of earth and stale air from the flaps being closed for the past few days. It reminded him of the ark, of going to Murphy's room the day after his arrest to find it bare, all traces of him gone There was no grave, no body. There never would be.

He'd hoped, for a moment, that if somehow the peace had worked that he'd be able to as for Murphy's body. That he'd get some closure, an actual goodbye when he buried Murphy in camp, far away from the grounders who had killed him.

Bellamy stood abruptly, rubbing a hand over his face and taking a shaky breath.

There would be no peace. His closure and goodbye were made over a pool of blood and a silent forest. That was all he would get. Just like on the ark, when someone was gone they were gone. Far away, no grave to mourn over. Just the memories of them clinging in the traumatised minds that watched their loved ones float.

The empty tent taunted him. Reminding him with a jolt of sorrow that Murphy was gone. He stepped from the tent quickly. Not wanting to be in it a moment longer, almost running into Octavia as he scurried through the flap. Her eyes flickered between him and the tent, brow furrowing leaving Bellamy's mind floating back to the bridge. To the grounder pulling his baby sister into a tight embrace.

He thought of the same grounder bloodied and hanging in the upper floor of the drop ship, watching Bellamy silently as he uttered a phrase he thought would never be repeated. That, maybe, the man couldn't even understand and even if he did would never be able to say to anyone because talking would mean they knew he spoke English and would restart the torture.

Bellamy felt his heart stutter at the thought that Octavia knew, that the grounder had repeated the words and left someone else knowing that he loved Murphy.

He didn't want people to know, if people knew it was real. If people knew then he'd missed his chance with Murphy and rather than just loosing the best friend he ever had he'd also be loosing the man he loved.

Bellamy spotted a wounded looking Jasper pouting at Octavia's back as he walked glumly through camp. He stepped around Octavia, leaving her in the dust as he raced over to the the floppy haired boy .

“Jasper.” Bellamy called. Jasper dragged his eyes away from Octavia, grinning tentatively at him, as he slumped over to meet Bellamy half way. If he wanted to keep Murphy as a purely platonic memory, at least in the way other people remembered Bellamy's relationship with him then he needed to let him go. To stop treating Murphy's death like it was special amongst the many other's they'd lost. He needed to stop torturing himself with leaving Murphy's tent empty for him to stumble into whenever he wanted to torture himself with the reminder that he was no longer there.“You did good today. You deserve something for that.” Bellamy tried to force a grin onto his face. Jasper leant away slowly, eyebrow raising. “How would you like to upgrade tents?”

“Are..Are you hitting on me?” Jasper asked. “You're very..attractive but you're not exactly my type so-”

“I'm not hitting on you Jasper.” Bellamy said stiffly. “If Murphy's.” Bellamy broke off swallowing thickly. “If he's dead.” And it was still an if, he knew it wasn't, knew it was a fact rather than a possibility but he couldn't say it definitely. Not out loud, not yet. Then there's no point in his tent going to waste. It's yours. If you want it.”

“You're giving me Murphy's tent?” Jasper gasped, eyes going wide as saucers. “Are you like..Asking me to be your second or-”

“Take the damn tent and get away from me.” Bellamy snapped. Stomping off leaving a laughing Jasper behind him. He made his way to his tent, practically throwing himself onto the makeshift bed. Fingers hauling the blanket up over his head as he breathed slowly, trying to stave off the sickness rising in his stomach at the thought of giving away Murphy's tent.

_It's for the best_ Bellamy tried to tell himself. It would make it easier. Atom's tent had been claimed within hours of his death. The fact that people hadn't invaded it already was a testament to how much people already knew about how he cared for Murphy.

He blinked tears out of his eyes, suddenly unable to breath. He sat up, throwing the blanket off of him. His fingers dug in his pocket for the packet of cards. Pouring them from their pack into his hands. He moved slowly, counting through them, sorting them into their suits for something to distract him, trying to loose himself amongst the familiar deck.

The tap, tap, as he'd knock them together before shuffling them back into a messy pile ready to be resorted. It worked, as it always seemed to. He'd had practise pushing the thought of a dead Murphy to the back of his mind. Practise using the cards as a crutch to calm him down when things seemed to much. It didn't stop it hurting, but it refocused him. Changed his thoughts to the simple repetition of counting the cards rather than the twist of grief pulling through him.

He envied Clarke. The way she seemed to manage everything almost flawlessly. The strength she held herself with. Barely five minutes after watching her mother's ship crash and burn she was talking about sending a team to go look through the wreckage, search for any survivors of information on why the ship went down, on any supplies they may be able to salvage from the wreck. The girl who tried to keep Charlotte safe after she'd murdered her best friend. He wondered how she was doing it. Where she found herself hiding when it got too much, what she did to deal with the hand they'd been dealt in life.

He seriously doubted that she had a grounder locked up to spill unrequited, their dead, love confessions to. Bellamy flopped back down to lie on the bed, blanket scratching against his dry cheeks. Cards idly flipping in his fingers. His eyes found Murphy's jacket, folded neatly, knife sat on top of them, handle and blade still stained with blood. Listened to the shuffle and quiet, excited of Jasper and Monty as they moved their things into their new tent. His eyes slipped closed, trying to force himself to sleep.

Tomorrow it would be better. Tomorrow he would step out into a camp where he'd moved on enough to let someone take Murphy's tent. Maybe the next day he could say it out loud. A soft 'Murphy's dead' that would help the words work their way properly into his mind, that would make him stop checking over his shoulder from time to time to see if Murphy were keeping up only to remember he would no longer be at his hip. Tomorrow he could focus on the next problem, the exodus ship, the grounders that would no doubt want to launch an attack thanks to the failed peace talk. Tomorrow he'd have something to do that Murphy had never touched.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapters a bit shit, i haven't really slept but i wanted to get on to the rest of the story and i had no freaking ideas so i kinda rushed through it in a haze of far too many coffee's.  
> Thank you for reading, i'll update soon :) x


	21. A long day

Bellamy woke to the chirp of birds and Clarke's drawn face poking into his tent. Telling him to get ready, ten minutes later and they were leaving camp. Bellamy walking at Clarke's side as they lead a small force through the forest, following the still billowing limbs of smoke clawing towards the sun as the sun crept across the horizon.

Despite the long walk to the wreckage there was next to no conversation. Raven told them what they would be looking for when they got there. Clarke told them what to do in the unlikely event they found any survivors. The gunners kept their eyes on the tree's, looking for grounders as they flanked around those without guns, ready to defend them if need be.

The day wore on, the group crunching through the woods, tense. Bellamy knew that the crash site wouldn't be pretty, that it would be flecked with fire and scalded earth but he still wasn't prepared for the carnage he saw as he finally broke through the last few standing tree's that gave way to a valley gouged by the explosion. The trees around it were blackened, bent over, roots reaching for the sky as they slowly gave way.

The ship was in pieces, great metal slabs broken across the floor. Some bodies were all but gone, charred remains of bones, others were still more noticeably bodies. Severed arms covered in soot. Bloody splatters around them.

“Spread out. We find what we need then we leave.” Clarke muttered, stepping over a charred body and making her way to the centre of the wreckage, shoulders squared, eyes alert as she looked for what Raven needed.

Walking through it made Bellamy feel sick, made him suck in small breaths wincing at the still present smell of burnt flesh, his heart aching for those on the ship that no doubt died screaming. How Clarke could be standing there he had no idea, picking through the rubble, wondering which body parts had belonged to her mother. He understood she wanted answers, needed them, but to him the place was a nightmare, to her it must be hell.

It wasn't long before Raven was declaring it wasn't safe for them to hang around when hydrazine was so close to open flame. After her little display he wouldn't dream of arguing. Nodding quickly and ordering the group to start moving.

The walk back to camp was even more tense than the walk there. Clarke silent, head ducked towards the ground They finally reached the gates long after the sun had set. Declaring themselves with quick shouts to stop nervous gunners from shooting at the movement.

“Open the gate! Now.” Miller's voice boomed, the gates were pulled open slowly. Bellamy felt his shoulders relax as they walked in. Perhaps they'd wasted a day searching for answers they didn't find, but still it had been a busy day, one where Bellamy couldn't think about Octavia hating him or Murphy dead. A day where no one died.

“Bellamy, Clarke.” Miller greeted, filling into step next to them as they walked into camp. “They found Murphy.” He sounded happy when he said it, a small smile on his lips that left Bellamy gritting his teeth.

He thought of the puddle of blood in the forest, thought of the charred bodies from today, the smell of burnt flesh still lingering in his nose. He'd wanted a burial, had wished he'd been able to find Murphy's body so he could give him a real resting place. Now however, he hated the idea of it. Of actually seeing Murphy, cold and waxy. His blue eyes void of their light.

“I'll dig a grave.” Bellamy had to force the words out. His fingers slipping from his gun and into his pocket, flipping through the cards, trying to keep his breathing even.

“You can if you want but I gotta say, I think he'd have a problem with being buried alive.” Miller said nonchalant. Bellamy faltered mid step, his foot hitting against his other leg sending him tumbling forwards with an undignified yelp, he would have landed on his face had Clarke and Miller not been there, quickly grabbing his arms and steadying him.

“What?” Bellamy croaked. A seed of hope blooming in his chest as the phrase buried alive echoed through his mind. His eyes found Clarke, who looked just as shocked as he felt before he looked to Miller, a small smile creeping it's way onto the mans face.

“Murphy's alive.” He said the words clear as day and they hit Bellamy like a gunshot, knocking the wind out of him and exploding through him.

“What?” Bellamy repeated breathlessly. Heart firmly lodged in his throat making it hard to breathe.

“He doesn't look good, but he's alive. Clarke you're going to need to take a look at him but-” Bellamy ignored the rest of what he said, grabbing Clarke's arm in a grip that was probably too hard and marching her towards the drop ship.

Bellamy didn't put much thought to the 'doesn't look good'. He'd seen Murphy injured before, he'd seen him swinging from a noose. He'd seen it all, at least, he thought he had. His mind was still reeling on the fact that Miller was saying he was alive, his heart still thumping wildly, logic trying to tell him not to get excited, to not hope. Telling him it was a joke, that he'd enter the drop ship and find no one there. But it was Miller and Miller wouldn't lie to him, not about this. His body felt like it was on fire, nerves tingling, ready to scream. His fingers twitched against Clarke's arm, the short jog across camp taking far too long.

It stopped the second he saw Murphy, his hand fell from Clarke's arm, his breath pushed from his lungs. His mind frozen as he looked over Murphy's ruined body. The ripped clothes and red marks, the still wet blood on his cheeks. At the way Murphy was curled into the corner looking like a small child, cowering away.

He noticed Octavia, sitting near Murphy, watching him nervously, a clean rag clutched in her hand.

“You need to let me-” Octavia tried gently, moving her hand forwards slightly. Bellamy watched as Murphy's shoulders curled further, his eyes locking on Octavia looking like a dog ready to snap at the fingers drawing close to him.

“Murphy.” Bellamy said gently, inching closer, blinking as if it would make the blood and dirt that coated Murphy vanish. Murphy's head snapped up, away from Octavia who's hand dropped from the air suddenly, back to her lap. She stood, walking over to Clarke and slapping the rag into his hand.

“You can deal with him.” She murmured, walking off. Bellamy couldn't bring himself to care. Eyes still flickering over Murphy's face, cataloguing each wound. He wanted to close the distance between them, to reach out and brush his fingers against Murphy's skin but he was afraid that it wasn't real. That his fingers might slip through Murphy's skin and reveal him as a ghost.

Clarke had no such problems, rushing forwards while Bellamy moved at a snails pace. Dropping herself next to Murphy and grabbing at his hands before Murphy could protest.

“He said he was with the grounders.” Dexter said. As if there was any real question there about where Murphy had been when he turned up at camp looking like he'd just went a few rounds with a meat grinder.

“They tore his finger nails off.” Clarke said, looking sickened. Her gaze met Bellamy's “They tortured him.”

“Thanks for the brilliant observation.” Bellamy grumbled, moving closer to Murphy. He wanted to pull him in for a hug, to clean the blood off and have Clarke tend to every wound he had, down to the smallest scratches but he knew why people were tortured. Had done it himself. “Murph, what did you tell them?” Bellamy asked. Murphy's shoulders tensed again. His pale eyes flickering to Clarke for a moment before landing back on Bellamy. He swallowed thickly. Tears brimming in his eyes.

“Everything.” Murphy said. Bellamy felt bile rising in his throat at the admission. “Bellamy-” He pleaded.

“Clarke, deal with him.” Bellamy interrupted, running a hand through his hair as he forced himself to start backing away to Murphy. He cold have a reunion later. When their lives weren't quite so at risk. “I have to-” He gestured behind him and Clarke nodded. He took a last glance at Murphy, still watching him with shining eyes, before he was jogging back out of the drop ship. “I need the gunners on every wall, now!” The tired camp burst to life. Gunners scrambling for their weapons and rushing to the walls, the adrenaline spiking. Bellamy joined Miller at his post, eyes searching the trees.

“What's happening?” Miller asked nervously.

“The grounders tortured Murphy.”

“I figured that.” Miller hummed.

“Murphy told them everything.” Bellamy said.

“And considering he oversaw most of the building of the camp that's not good.” Miller finished. Bellamy nodded stiffly.

“Not good at all.” Bellamy said. “eyes sharp. We make it through the night then we can figure out a better plan tomorrow. Get some defences, some traps in the forest or-” Bellamy broke off, eyes moving around the trees, brain running on overdrive.

It was meant to be an easy day. He was meant to focus on the newly dead, Murphy far from his mind. Meant to focus on the grounders retaliation, knowing that they had the upper hand of guns. He wasn't meant to be blind sighted by Murphy, alive and...mostly well. He wasn't meant to suddenly know the grounders knew everything about their camp and because of the bridge they also knew that the 100 had guns. They had no element of surprise, they didn't know the land as well as the grounders did, they would no doubt be outnumbered when the fighting begun, they were basically untrained.

Bellamy took a shaking breath, hand moving back to the cards in his pocket.

It was meant to be an easy day. He wanted to be happy that Murphy was alive and in camp, and of course he was, even if he couldn't quite believe it he was happy, but, Murphy was _alive._ Murphy had been alive this entire time and Bellamy had abandoned him once again. If the grounders didn't kill them over night then Bellamy would have to face Murphy.

He'd have to go back into the drop ship and look at Murphy, Murphy with his torn off fingers nails and his face painted in blood, with his ripped clothes and watch the way he was cowering in a corner knowing that he'd let it happen.

He hadn't looked for him, he'd left him to be tortured by the grounders, written him off as if he meant nothing. He'd let this happen. He'd believed Clarke, he'd taken her word when she said it was too much blood. Clarke had told him there was no hope.

Bellamy felt sick suddenly, crouching down ignoring Miller's raised eyebrow, he ducked his head between his legs taking a shaking breath.

Did Clarke know? Had there really been too much blood or did she just tell him what he needed to hear to go back to camp? Had she thought that Murphy could really have been alive and well and tricked Bellamy into leaving him? He should have questioned it. Should have ignored her and went on anyway. He wanted to laugh when he thought of how he'd spent the day feeling bad for her, the way he'd trusted her, followed her like a lost child searching for a purpose when she said that she needed him, that everyone needed him. When it had been Murphy who'd really needed him.

Was Murphy just not worth enough to her.

Bellamy could feel his blood boiling at the thought. He knew Clarke wasn't some innocent little flower, had known it since their second day on earth, when she'd convinced Bellamy to come with her by appealing to the fact he wanted power, she wasn't above subtle manipulation to get what she wanted.

She'd told him not to leave that night, made it clear she didn't want Bellamy out searching for Murphy.

He stood suddenly, almost head butting Miller as he did before he was hopping off the wall and stalking back through the busy camp towards the drop ship ignoring Miller calling after him. He threw the tarp to the side, he spotted Clarke instantly, her blond hair standing out against the dull metal walls of the drop ship. His eyes ran to Murphy, pale skin on show as he sat, looking ready to throw up, while Clarke tried to clean off his bare torso.

His skin was ripped and ragged, torn to pieces. A large wound covered most of his shoulder, bumpy and red leaving Bellamy feeling sick. He looked back to Clarke in horror.

“Did you let this happen?” Bellamy asked. Clarke looked to him for barely a second before turning back to Murphy, continuing her work. He wanted to rip her away from him, to hide Murphy far away from her prying eyes.

“Did I let what happen?”Clarke asked curiously. “Can you pass me the-” Bellamy grabbed the moonshine she was pointing at before she could finish, slamming it into her open palm. Glaring at the way her other hand still sat on Murphy's chest, patting the cloth against a shredded piece of skin.

“You said he was dead.” Bellamy could hear the accusation in his voice. Could see when Clarke clicked in on it, the way her body tensed, brow furrowing as she turned to look at him. He kept his jaw shut tight, biting his tongue to keep him from saying anything else before Clarke had replied. He could feel Murphy's gaze burning into the side of his face but kept his eyes on Clarke, the tension crackled in the air as Clarke finally moved her hand off Murphy giving Bellamy at least a small push to calming down. She turned to face him, face open, eyes shining.

“Bellamy, I thought he was dead.” She said gently, slowly, as if talking to a child.

“And yet here he is. Alive, and by the looks of it he had plenty of blood to spare.” Bellamy growled, eyes flickering over her face, looking for the trace of a lie. If she'd done this- She turned away, looking back to Murphy.

“What happened in the forest?” Clarke inquired. “How _are_ you alive? We found your knife by a pool of blood, too much for you to be sitting here right now.” She said so honest that Bellamy found himself unable to think she was lying. She had truly thought Murphy was dead. The anger slowly seeped from Bellamy, his eyes moving back to Murphy, to the blood still covering his face

He was real. Bellamy knew that, Clarke had touched him, other people had seen him, he wasn't a ghost.

“Wasn't my blood.” Murphy said quietly, moving to rub his nose before he flinched at the pressure on the many cuts to both his face and hand. His tongue darted out, licking his lips. “Pulled a Charlotte and stabbed one of them in the neck before the other one knocked me out. Woke up in a cage and then-” Murphy broke off, face twisting at the memory. The ground was going to make murderers of them all.

Bellamy wanted to stay. To wrap Murphy into a warm hug but the gunners would need him. Clarke had thought Murphy was dead. Clarke hadn't intentionally left Murphy to the grounders. She had no reason to risk her life chasing a dead person.

But he should have, Murphy had risked his life to get Mbege's body, he should have done the same to get Murphy's. He would have found him if he had, could have gotten him back to camp before they'd cut into him.

“I'm sorry.” Bellamy said, partly to Murphy for leaving him at the mercy, or lack thereof of the grounders and partly to Clarke. For assuming that she'd been lying. For leaving his post to confront her about it. “I need to get back to the wall.” Bellamy licked his lips, looking to Murphy, he wanted to do something, to reach out and touch him, to confirm for sure that he really was there, but the cuts dotting his skin made his arms stay by his sides, fingers twitching with the urge to reach out and touch. He didn't want to hurt him any more than he must already hurt. “I'll be back.”

“Sure thing terminator.” Murphy mumbled.

Bellamy left without another look. He knew if he started talking to Murphy he wouldn't stop, that if he let himself linger by Murphy's side for any longer then he'd be there all night trying to ensure he was okay. The smart thing for him to do was go to the wall, to lead the gunners and make sure no grounders used the information Murphy gave them. Tomorrow he could order a subtle rebuild of camp. Change the tunnel entrances, reinforce the walls, make them safe as they could be once again. Just one more night, then he could talk to Murphy. Could loose himself in the fact that he was back from the dead. Just one night keeping his mind off of Murphy, injured and scared in the drop ship.

Bellamy knew one thing. It wasn't going to be an easy night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy. :)


	22. Stood beneath an orange sky

The night seemed to last forever. Clarke emerged from the drop ship after what felt like an eternity of night time. Eyes searching for him on the wall before she finally spotted him and made her way over. She looked tired, pale, her hands stained with Murphy's blood making Bellamy's stomach clench at the sight of it. She hopped up next to him. Bellamy let his eyes wander back to the drop ship while she looked out to the tree's. Wishing he could see through the walls and know what Murphy was up to.

He wanted Clarke back in the drop ship with him. Making sure she hadn't missed anything, internal bleeding or-

“He didn't tell them about the tunnels.” Clarke's voice was croaky, as if she hadn't used it in a few hours.

“What?” Bellamy asked, forcing his eyes away from the drop ship and back out to the forest.

“When he said he told them everything, that wasn't exactly true.” Clarke said, voice in a low whisper, as if the tree's could relay everything she said back to the grounders. “He told them the guard schedules, what the walls made out of, the weak points he remembered, who you are, who I am, who we trust most, but not the tunnels.”

“Have you been interrogating him?” Bellamy huffed, casting a dark look her way. Murphy needed to rest. Not answer a load of questions.

“No. He started talking. Wouldn't shut up actually.” She said, a small smile on her face. “He wanted us to know that he hadn't given them the tunnels.”

“He gave them everything else.” Bellamy said bitterly.

“Can you blame him?”Clarke said.

“I want to.” Bellamy said earnestly. Truth was he didn't blame him, not really, He'd watched Lincoln being tortured, had seen the way the man who was already dotted with scars and built like a brick house had grit his teeth and writhed. He could see, at times, how hard he had to stop himself from saying something, even if it hadn't been answers, he'd wanted to say something, to threaten them maybe.

Murphy talking wasn't a surprise, wasn't something to blame him for because almost everyone would have done the exact same thing, but, still, Bellamy knew until you were the one on the receiving end of the torture you'd like to think that you'd have the strength to keep your mouth closed. That you'd be the anomaly, you'd manage not to scream, to keep your secrets locked up and take them to the grave, that you would be selfless enough to hold it all in.

But god, he wanted to blame him. He wanted to hate him for it because that would be easier. If he was upset that Murphy had told the grounders about the delinquents it would make it easier to face him when the sun rose. He could hang it over Murphy's head if Murphy threw the fact Bellamy hadn't come for him at him.

“This wasn't your fault.” Clarke said, as if she could read his mind. Bellamy shifted guiltily.

“I didn't look for him.”

“We thought he was dead. We did the best we could with the information we had.” Clarke reassured him. Bellamy nodded, not fully believing here but too tired to have the conversation. He'd have to do it when Murphy blamed him later. He'd rather only do it once.

“I need to be here.” Bellamy said, clearing his throat.

“I'll stay with Murphy until morning.” Clarke said gently. Bellamy nodded his thanks and watched as Clarke hopped from the wall and made her way back towards the drop ship. He turned back to outside the wall, eyes rising up, over the tree tops to the inky black sky.

Just a few more hours, then he could follow her in.

*

Bellamy had wanted to make a run for the drop ship the second he saw the dark sky giving way to golden glow of dawn but he knew that the night being over didn't mean the grounders wouldn't attack. Just that they had more visibility now, more of a chance at winning and so Bellamy got to work, he spotted Clarke leaving the drop ship, looking paler than before before he was finding a group of delinquents to start reinforcing the walls weakest spots, any bit Murphy may have mentioned could fall easily.

He was found the back of camp with Zeke and a few others, placing them to work on the last week spots when the shouts begun to rise from the front of camp. The noise growing as panic set in. When he heard that people were getting sick, coughing up blood, that Clarke had been crying it like someone from a horror film.

He entered the drop ship to find Murphy vomiting out streams of crimson across the silver floor, Clarke crouched next to him with blood still staining her cheeks. All thoughts of Murphy blaming him for what had happened were out of his head in an instant as Murphy sucked in a rattling breath. His gun dropping to the floor with a thunk as he tried to reach him. Do something to make it better.

“Murphy, hey Murphy breath.” Bellamy begged tilting Murphy's face up only to be yanked away from him a split second later.

“You can't touch us.” Clarke ordered. “It spreads through contact.” Bellamy wanted to argue, wanted to shove her out of the way and go back to Murphy but then he looked to him, once again curled in the corner. He was back in his ripped and dirty clothes and despite Clarke cleaning his wounds the night before his face was still a mess of purple bruises and burning red cuts.

“Wash your hands.” Murphy said, pleaded really, quiet and broken. “Now.”

*

The day, quite frankly, was hell. Bellamy wasn't sure how he made it to night fall. He went from finding out Murphy had an illness that could kill people, to finding out Octavia may have it, to watching half the camp get infected by it, to finding out Octavia had left camp in search of her grounder boyfriend, to not even being able to be happy she was back safe because not only were the grounders coming at first light but she was going back into the drop ship to care for the sick, to touch them and possibly contract it. He watched person after person fall prey to the sickness. Watched in horror as Miller had spluttered out a patch of blood into his hand and quickly quarantine himself in the drop ship leaving Bellamy alone on the outside with only Finn and Raven to try and stop a massacre.

Bellamy was terrified, even before he felt the warm blood dripping from his nose. Everyone he cared about was trapped in what was quickly turning into a graveyard. The only upside to the day was that apparently, on his death bed, Octavia was willing to talk to him and stroke his hair as if she didn't hate him.

*

When he woke up he had half a second to panic about not being able to see Octavia, Murphy, Miller or Clarke before Murphy was sliding up to his side and handing him a cup of water. Bellamy pushed it away.

“Relax I'm trying to help.” Murphy said quickly.

“O.”

“She's getting some sleep. Same as Miller, the princess is over there.” Murphy explained, pointing behind him to where Clarke was patting Monroe's back as she spat up blood. “Drink. She said you need to sty hydrated.” Murphy ordered, shoving the cup back at him.

“The grounders-” Bellamy broke off when Murphy's eyes widened, he tasted blood as it ran from his nose. Murphy snatched up a cloth, grabbing Bellamy's face none to gently and wiping at the blood.

“Just drink the damn water Bellamy. The rest can wait for thirty seconds.” Murphy ordered, replacing the cloth with the mug and tilting it against Bellamy's lips. Bellamy let him, chugging down the water as his eyes ran over Murphy's face, his skin burnt where Murphy's fingers touched, a trail of flames being left where his thumb caressed gently against his jaw.

Everyone was safe, for now at least.

Murphy was alive and touching him.

Murphy pulled the cup away, his fingers retreating from Bellamy's face. His hand darted up before he could stop it, latching onto Murphy's in awe as he ran his fingers across the broken skin. He knew it must have hurt Murphy, the way his calloused fingers caught against the edges of cuts but the younger man said nothing.

“I thought you were dead.” Bellamy said.

“Yeah, well, you can't always get what you want.” Murphy joked lamely.

“I'd never want you gone.” Bellamy wasn't sure what part of his sleep deprived and illness ridden brain thought that was an okay thing to admit. He saw Murphy blink in shock, his features morphing and shifting through a flurry of emotions only a few of which Bellamy could name before he settled on what Bellamy thought was guilt.

“I tried not to tell them.” Murphy said lowly. Like he was begging for Bellamy to understand. “I didn't want to but-” Murphy broke off, licking his lips and Bellamy understood that it was as close to an apology as he would ever get for Murphy spilling some of their secrets to the grounders. And, well, Bellamy hadn't been expecting that. He'd expected Murphy to push that to the side and throw accusations at Bellamy about how he failed to save him. How he forgot about him. But he wasn't, he, for some reason, didn't seem to blame Bellamy. “You get that right? That I wouldn't..I didn't want to tell them anything, I didn't want to hurt you.” Murphy said.

“I didn't save you.” Bellamy said quietly. “I didn't look for you I, Murphy I thought you were dead.” Bellamy said, eyes running over the deep cuts on Murphy's bloody face. “If I knew you weren't I would have come for you. You know that right? I didn't mean to-”

“We're good.” Murphy said. “If you say we're good. You not looking for me was a smart move.”

“But-”

“You thought I was dead. No one would have searched for me.” Murphy insisted. “I get it. So ..are we good?”

“Yeah. Yeah we're good.” Bellamy said, nodding so hard he made himself dizzy.

“So..Did you cry? When you found out I was no more?” Murphy asked, tipping his head towards Bellamy with a smirk. Miming dying as he said the last part. Bellamy felt warmth spreading in his chest at the sight of the familiar smirk. The way Murphy was watching him with no anger in his eyes, no betrayal, like he truly didn't mind that Bellamy hadn't come looking for him. He remembered what he admitted to Lincoln as his heart rate picked up as Murphy's growing smirk that he knew he could wipe off so easily.

“Yes.” Bellamy said bluntly. Murphy's eyes widened in shock, smirk vanishing as his mouth dropped open. “They were tears of relief.” Bellamy finished with his own smirk.

“You know tortures actually less painful than your sense of humour.” Murphy said. Despite everything Bellamy found himself giving a tired grin. He had Murphy back, too bad it probably wouldn't be for long. It would, at best, be a few hours before the grounders reached the to slaughter them all.

*

The grounders didn't reach them. The crack of the bomb could be heard from camp and Bellamy found himself staring at the evidence rising in the sky in awe. Jasper had actually made the shot. Somehow.

They would be safe.

“Looks like we're not gunna die today.” Murphy said, appearing behind Bellamy and Clarke.

“Looks like.” Clarke repeated, Bellamy hummed in agreement, watching the mushroom cloud rise.

“You look like you might.” Murphy said.

“What?” Bellamy croaked, turning the look at Murphy.

“He's right, go sit down you look awful.” Clarke said, nudging Bellamy back into the dropship.

“I'm fine. It's passing.” Bellamy objected, even as he sat down on the floor, back hitting the wall with a dull thud. Murphy flopped down next to him, hissing in pain. “What about you?” Bellamy asked gently, eyes running over Murphy once again. Clarke shooed those who had never been sick back out of the drop ship before falling into a hammock with a sigh of relief.

“I'll survive.” Murphy hummed, picking at the ripped sleeve of his top. Bellamy smile, because yes, he would, they all would. At least for a few more days. Despite everything Murphy was really sitting in front of him, alive and healthy (ish) and this time, Bellamy was going to make sure it stayed that way and if it meant Murphy never leaving his sight, well, he didn't actually have too many objections about that.

“Just so you know, you're moving into my tent and you're never going hunting again.” Bellamy said.

“I'm all for no hunting but there's no way in hell I'm moving into your tent.” Murphy said with a laugh.

“Clarke said it would be best if someone kept an eye on you while you heal. Right Princess?” Bellamy looked over to Clarke, curled into the hammock, watching them with a fond.

“Well, he doesn't _have_ to stay with you, he can stay in here so-”

“See, she says I don't have to.” Murphy interrupted.

“It's a nice tent.” Bellamy said thoughtfully.

“Bellamy. I said no.”

“Fine, then Jaspers staying in your tent with you.” Bellamy said, Murphy would chose him over Jasper any day, talking of jasper, he would need to convince him and Monty not to tell Murphy they'd been given his tent the day before.

“What?” Murphy gasped. “No! That's not-”

“Me or him Murphy.”

“Then I'll take Jasper. At least I won't be getting kicked out while he gets laid every night.” Murphy grumbled.

“You never know. After saving all our asses he might have some prospects.” Bellamy joked. He meant to nudge Murphy playfully, but it ended up being little more than him shifting closer, their shoulders pressing together, warmth seeping into his skin where they touched.

“You gunna lock up Octavia so he can't take her virtue?” Jasper asked.

“I think he knows her grounder boyfriend will kill him.” Bellamy said.

“She's dating a grounder?”

“She's dating the grounder.” Bellamy said with a frown, nodding to where the grounder had been kept.

“What the hell did I miss?”

“A lot.” Bellamy said honestly. Thinking about the last few days. It seemed everything had went to shit the moment Murphy had gone missing. Bellamy shifted, somehow getting closer to Murphy still. “Move into my tent.” He urged gently.

“I'm really fine in my tent. I don't need a baby sitter.”

“We can play snap.” Bellamy offered.

“Enticing, but no”

“Murphy.”

“Bellamy, really, I don't need you watching over my shoulder like I'm a toddler. I'm fine.” Murphy said stiffly. “And seriously, I'm not leaving my nice tent to move into one that I'll get sexiled from.”

“Who says you'd have to leave?” And really, it was a joke, but then Bellamy got a mental image of it. Of Murphy on his bed, of his warm skin beneath Bellamy's hands, his lips pressing against the juts of Murphy's collars bones. Murphy's cheeks flushed and skin slick with sweat, of his hair mused from Bellamy tugging at it and remembered what he'd told Lincoln with a jolt of regret. Wishing that the epiphany had stayed far away from him.

“Should I leave?” Clarke mumbled, Bellamy forced his eyes away from where they'd apparently made themselves at home gazing at Murphy's pink lips. Murphy snorted out a laugh at clarke's words, his cheeks burning with colour beneath the cuts and bruises.

“Alright Casanova. You promise not to not have sex in the tent and I'll think about it.” Murphy grumbled.

“Promise. The upper floor of the drop ship is a lot more romantic anyway.” The three of them lapsed into silence.

“You gave away my tent didn't you?” Murphy said after a few moments of silence. “That's why you're so insistent.”

“I gave it to Jasper after the failed peace treaty yesterday.” He admitted. “I thought you were dead I-”

“I get it. I guess my stuffs been handed out too then?”

“The only thing in there was a jacket.”

“Who got it?”

“No one.” Bellamy said, thinking about it and Murphy's knife tucked away neatly in his tent, a tent Murphy would soon be sharing. “It's in our tent.” Bellamy said.

“I said I'd think about moving in not yes.”

“Jasper and Monty already have your tent. You're going to say yes.”

“Maybe I'll find someone else's tent to sleep in.” Murphy grumbled.

“Yes, because so many people are just begging to spend time with you.”

“I'll stay with Clarke.”

“You can if you want, but I should warn you I sleep in here with the other people who don't have tents.” Clarke murmured sleepily. Murphy narrowed his eyes at her.

“Whatever. I'll figure it out later.” Murphy sighed, shifting again. His face contorted in pain leaving Bellamy wishing there was something he could do.

“You okay?” Bellamy asked.

“Fine.” Murphy lied. Bellamy raised an eyebrow. “Uncomfortable.” Murphy corrected.

“You should go lie down.” Bellamy said. Murphy's eyes moved back to Bellamy.

“Can I...do you mind if I..” Murphy broke off, looking away with a blush on his cheeks, barely visible through the etch a sketch of bruises and cuts on his face.

“What is it?”

“Nothing.” Murphy admonished snappily, going to tuck his knees up to his chest before he winced and let out a yelp of pain. He sat for a moment, eyes clamped shut, breathing forced steady breaths. “Screw it.” Murphy grumbled before he was moving again. Bellamy was about to tell him not to, that he'd hurt himself more when Murphy toppled sideways in what seemed to actually be an intended move. Head hitting Bellamy's lap with a small thump.

Bellamy looked down at the man in shock as he made himself comfortable with a few grumbles and grimaces. He waited, wondering if Murphy was going to say anything else but he didn't. He stayed quiet, body tense, head propped up slightly as if he were trying not to put too much weight on Bellamy's legs. He reached out tentatively, pausing at the flinch when his fingers brushed Murphy's head, keeping his hand steady in the air, finger tips pressing just against Murphy's greasy hair. He held his breath, waiting for Murphy to move again, to pull away. To explain he'd just fallen and was too sore to sit back up. But he didn't, Instead Murphy gently nudged his head back against Bellamy's fingers, just a slight push that told Bellamy it was okay. Butterflies raged in Bellamy's stomach, leaving him giddy, a smile braking across his face. He slid his fingers into Murphy's hair, rubbing gently at his scalp. Murphy let out a breath, falling limp as if all the worry had just washed out of him.

“So you'll use me as a pillow but you won't sleep in my tent?” Bellamy said after a few moments. Murphy snorted, head butting back into Bellamy's hand to tell him to shut up.

“I'll go in your tent if I get the bed.”

“We can argue about that later.” Bellamy said.

“We both know I'll win.” Murphy said and Bellamy couldn't help but agree. There was no chance in hell he was going to make Murphy sleep on the hard ground when he had a slightly more comfortable 'bed' that Murphy could sleep in. He worked his hand slowly through Murphy's hair.

“You can have the bed.” Bellamy agreed.

“That was easier than I thought it would be.”

“If a bed is all I need to give up for you to be alive then I'm okay with that.” He was sure that the sentence didn't even make sense but Murphy seemed to get it, his head turning slightly, so he could look up at Bellamy, eyes soft and God Bellamy missed this, not just Murphy but John, the one who he was allowed to touch, where actions like this were okay. Expected even, between the two. He hated the barrier between them, hated that he had to think twice now about reaching for Murphy, knew that Murphy might not let him touch.

“You getting sappy on me Blake?” Murphy joked, trying to lighten the mood. But Bellamy was getting sappy on him, he could remember the day outside the airlock, waiting for Murphy to be dragged along, the heartbreak when he thought he'd somehow missed Murphy's execution. He remembered the burn of anger, the wish to destroy everything from a few nights before when he thought he'd lost him again. He never thought he'd get this again. To have Murphy trusting him, to be allowed to run his fingers through the mans hair like nothing had changed. Like they were still the boys on the ark.

“I thought you were dead.” Bellamy croaked. “You have to stop making me think that.”

“It's not like I'm setting out to get in this situations.”

“I can't loose you again...you should get some sleep.” Bellamy murmured, carding his fingers through Murphy's hair, careful not to tug at any of the knots. Murphy watched him for a few more seconds before he nodded gently, turning to press his cheek back against Bellamy's thigh, eyes slipping closed. Bellamy kept watching him for some time. Cataloguing each wound he could see, each freckle dotted across his skin before he looked up slowly, Clarke sat across the room, watching him with a raised eyebrow, a small smile pulling at her lips.

“Shut up.” Bellamy mumbled childishly. He let his eyes fall shut, if only to get away from the look he was getting from Clarke that he really didn't want to think about.

Loving Murphy when he was gone was one thing, it was a missed opportunity, it clawed it's way through him and twisted like a knife. Loving Murphy when he was in camp was another all together, it would be sweaty palms and nervous stuttering, it would mean risking everything and Bellamy couldn't do that. He'd just got Murphy back, he wouldn't risk that on the chance of getting laid.

His head hit against the metal wall,he listened to the quiet hum of Murphy's breathing, felt Murphy's hair pulling through his still working fingers and let the familiar sensation lull him to sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I NEED SLEEP


	23. You and I will never die

Bellamy woke up to a hand on his shoulder, eyes flying open, zeroing in on Clarke's face instantly.

“Relax.” She soothed. “Just me.” Bellamy's lap was empty.

“Murphy?”

“He'll be back in a second. The other's will be back from the bridge soon. Come on.” Bellamy let Clarke force him to his feet, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he stumbled behind her, out of the drop ship.

The camp looked like it usually did. People milling around the fire, others working, cutting up meat, gunners at the walls. The only tells that anything had happened that day was the weary looks everyone was sporting. There skin still pale, shoulders slightly hunched from a painful day of vomiting blood and the fact Bellamy could see a few people working tirelessly in the graveyard to prepare the resting places for the newly dead.

Bellamy heard the clang of footstep on metal behind him and turned to see Murphy ducking out from beneath the tarp. A bundle of dirty clothes beneath one arm as he pulled at the collar of a new top. He barely looked at the pair standing on the ramp, walking past, straight towards the fire and tossing the pile of clothes onto it before he was turning and marching back over.

Bellamy's eyes ran over him, assessing. the top was too large, the collar stretched leaving pale skin and pointed collar bones on show, thick red scabs and dark bruises disappeared underneath the fabric, appearing again down his arms. His wrist rubbed raw from where he must have been bound. The trousers were also too big, hanging a bit too far down leaving Murphy stepping on the back of the legs. They were tied to his waist with a cut off rope, looped into a mess of a knot that Bellamy was sure Murphy would never be able to undo again, especially without fingernails. Murphy came to a stop in front of Bellamy.

“You said you had my jacket.” Murphy said.

“Yeah...Yeah I do.” Bellamy hummed. Eyes flickering over Murphy's face, a smile fighting onto his face.

Murphy was alive.

“Well, can I have it?” Murphy asked impatiently, raising an eyebrow as if telling Bellamy to hurry. His fingers worked along his arms, no doubt trying to hide the mess of wounds. Bellamy nodded, taking a step forwards, forcing Murphy to step back again. He continued, Murphy slid into place beside him, footsteps in sync as they made their way across camp.

Bellamy paused for a split second before entering his tent, suddenly worried something would embarrassing would have been left out, that somehow a 'Bellamy loves Murphy' would have been dug into the dirt floor of the tent. He crushed the bubble on anxiety down, telling himself it was unfounded and stepped in, eyes shifting around quickly, just in case. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw it exactly how he left it. Murphy shoved in past him. Bellamy watched as he practically launched himself at the jacket and his knife. Slipping the weapon into place around his waist before he tugged the jacket on with only a few grunts and grimaces.

Murphy turned back towards him, no doubt to leave the tent as any normal person would do but Bellamy's mind was racing with the fact that Murphy was alive and standing in Bellamy's tent, their tent, like nothing had really changed. Bellamy moved forwards before he thought about it. Only catching himself when his arm was half way towards Murphy, ready to pull him into a tight hug. Bellamy licked his lips, they hadn't hugged. They never really hugged, a hug would be weird.

He tugged gently at Murphy's collar, straightening it and adjusting the lapels hoping Murphy hadn't noticed the aborted hug for what it was. His fingers brushed against the red plastic spikes on the shoulder of Murphy's jacket and he couldn't help but smile. He looked good. Bruised and tired but undoubtedly Murphy. The jacket made it feel real, the yellow handle of the knife hooked in Murphy's new pants made it real. Made Bellamy breathless because Murphy was here and okay.

“It suits you.” Bellamy said dumbly, finally drawing his eyes up to meet Murphy's.

“Yeah well. It is _my_ jacket.” Murphy said, raising an eyebrow at Bellamy.

“Right. Of course.” Bellamy said, nodding thoughtfully. His brain screaming for him to run, he watched in horror however as his hand came up, patting a disgruntled Murphy's hair, not even ruffling, just patting, like a heavy handed child stroking a dog, Murphy's head bobbing under the pressure of each pat. “It's good to have you back.”

“Yeah..it's good be back back.” Murphy said slowly. Bellamy tore his hand back, clutching it against his chest as he turned and made a quick retreat from the tent. The sooner the others got back the better.

When the heroes did return they were welcomed like kings. People singing Raven's praises even as she was rushed off to the drop ship to be made comfortable for what would no doubt be a crappy few hours for her.

“I'm gunna head back to the tent.” Murphy said once the noise had begun to die down, the fire dwindling amongst the chatting delinquents. He stood from the log he was sitting on, marching through camp leaving Bellamy racing after him nervously, still worried to let him out of his sight, as if he would disappear if Bellamy left him alone for too long.

He walked into his tent just as Murphy was flopping down onto Bellamy's bed. He stretched out like a cat, shirt riding up revealing a pale streak of stomach marred with bruises then he was rearranging himself, sitting up and crossing his legs, turning to look expectantly at the place in front of him. Bellamy joined him on the bed, copying his pose and watching as Murphy's eyes flickered around the tent as if he'd never been in there before. He nodded thoughtfully., turning back towards Bellamy.

“I guess I could get use to living in the chancellors tent.” Murphy said Steely eyes locked back on Bellamy. The silence hung for a few moments before Murphy was talking again. “You know what I miss about the ark? Showers, I'd kill for a shower. And I do mean that literally.”

“Good to know.” Bellamy hummed. “Personally I miss flushing toilets.” He said, hating himself a moment later. Murphy however seemed to find it amusing, a smile lifting on his face that made Bellamy's heart stutter. He ducked his head, drawing out the cards trying to fight down the grin on his face as he dealt, Murphy made no objections, just watched the cards flick between them.

“We should get Clarke to play at some point.” Murphy said, decided up his pile of cards. “Bet she has a great poker face, might actually be a challenge for once.”

“I'm a challenge.” Bellamy protested.

“The only challenge when playing against you is trying not to laugh as you lose continuously.”

After that the night was surprisingly normal. There was no big reunion, no clinging hugs or tears, Just cards slapping onto a blanket and quiet words spilling between them as Bellamy told Murphy about everything that happened while he was gone. From tripping balls on hallucinogenic nuts to picking through skeletons at the exodus ship. He spoke until the camp outside was quiet, only the occasional shuffle of feet of gunners at the wall, until Murphy's eyes were drooping tiredly and Bellamy was telling him to get some sleep, packing away the cards, he grabbed one of the blankets slipping onto the hard ground. Balling his jacket up to use as a pillow while Murphy sat watching him, eyebrow arched upwards. After a few moments Murphy turned away, rolling around on the bed, tugging his own blanket round him like a burrito while Bellamy fought with the jacket to make some decent attempt at a pillow.

After what felt like hours but was probably only about thirty five seconds Bellamy gave up with the zips and buckles of the jacket, shoving it away and sitting back up. He caught the end of his shirt, tugging it over his head letting the cool air prickle against his skin as he rolled it into a ball and put it in the jackets vacant place. He flopped back down, head hitting too hard against the thin top leaving his skull snapping against the floor with a crack that made him groan.

He tried to stay still, really, he did, but the blanket was too short leaving his feet sticking out the end. The floor was stiff and he could feel the dirt sticking against the naked skin of his back making him grimace, every time he shifted he'd get a new stone poking into flesh leaving him scrambling to remove it, dirt sticking firmly beneath his finger nails.

“You've got to be kidding.” Murphy growled when Bellamy shifted for the umpteenth time, letting out a wistful sigh.

“What?” Bellamy asked, trying to kick the blanket back down over his feet, it worked, but then his chest was too exposed leaving him tugging it back up, feet sliding out beneath the blanket again.

“Get on the bed before I smother you to death.” Murphy growled.

“Excuse me?” Bellamy laughed. Murphy sat up, shoving the greasy hair from his face as he turned to look at Bellamy.

“I said get on the fucking bed. If I have to listen to you shift or sigh one more time I will kill you.” The man said lowly.

“'I'm just getting comfortable.”

“You're pissing me off is what you're doing. Get on the damn bed Bellamy.” And really, Bellamy should complain, should tell Murphy that he's being nice and the little shit should appreciate it, that he was injured and should really have the bed to himself in case Bellamy suddenly started kicking in his sleep.

Instead Bellamy was up off of the floor in moments, shoving Murphy to the other side of the bed and flopping down with a content sigh.

“Better?” Bellamy asked, rubbing his face against the soft fabric he'd used as a pillow knowing he'd be quite happy to fall asleep right then.

“You're on the wrong side.” Bellamy cracked an eye open to look at Murphy incredulously. The man sat watching him, a frown in place as he pouted down at Murphy.

“What?”

“That's my side of the bed.” Murphy said slowly, like he was talking to a toddler.

“You've been in it all of thirty seconds, you can't have claimed a side already.” Bellamy whined. “Besides, this way if someone comes to kill us I'll be the first to die. I'm closest to the door.” He tried to reason.

“Just move.”

“Stop complaining and go to sleep.”

“You always slept on my right hand side. It's weird.” Murphy argued. Bellamy sighed, sticking out a hand and forcing him with a gentle push to lie back down.

“You're weird. Go to sleep.” Bellamy closed his eyes, ready to sleep only to let out a startled yelp as an elbow jabbed into his ribs. “What the-” He turned to Murphy, glaring.

“Wouldn't have happened if you let us switch.” Murphy said calmly, eyes closed, looking far too relaxed.

“Fine.” Bellamy grumbled, sitting up once again and crawling over Murphy to get to the far side of the bed. Murphy rolled over into Bellamy's vacant space. He flopped down, once again closing his eyes. Waiting for Murphy to say something, or do something, to complain. He felt the blanket being moved but refused to react. Murphy stopped after quickly tucking them both in, the bed wobbled as he laid back down, shifting once, twice, three times, before he seemed to be happy. They weren't touching, not really, Bellamy's arm occasionally nudging Murphy's was all there was, but Bellamy could feel the heat seeping from Murphy beneath the blanket, warming Bellamy's side making his heart slow to a steady, content thrum. Bellamy let himself drift off to sleep, happy in the knowledge Murphy was safe beside him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's short! i've had a bit (alot) of writers block and this was the best i could do. I hope you enjoy it anyway :) thank you for reading, i'll update soon :)


	24. Get on up

When Bellamy woke up Murphy was gone. He was off the bed in an instant, grabbing his top from where it was still balled up on the floor as he left the tent, yanking it over his head as looked around camp.

He deflated when he spotted Murphy, sitting on the ramp to the drop ship. Raven next to him, the two watching the goings on around camp with bored expressions. Bellamy took off across the camp, straightening out his top as he moved.

“Raven, you feeling better?” Bellamy called. Raven's head bobbed over towards him, eyes narrowing for a moment before she gave a tired nod.

“Not puking blood anymore, I'd say that's a good sign.” Raven croaked.

“You did great yesterday.”

“I know.” Raven said making Bellamy laugh.

“What about you Murphy? You feeling okay?”

“Fine.”

“He couldn't sleep.” Raven tattled.

“Why? What's wrong? Did-”

“Was just uncomfortable.” Murphy said softly. “Got use to sleeping in a cage.”

“You should-”

“Don't start this again Bellamy.” Murphy said tiredly. “Lets just do something. I'll sleep tonight.” Bellamy wanted to argue but instead gave a small nod.

“If you're sure.”

“I am.”

“Okay.” Bellamy sighed. “Then..do you want to learn to shoot?” Bellamy asked. Murphy's head perked up like an excited puppy, nodding quickly as he scrambled to his feet. A small smile slipped onto Bellamy's face as he took off, knowing Murphy would follow.

“I can't believe we have guns.” Murphy said giddily. Bellamy grabbed a gun, holding it out towards Murphy who reached for it with groping hands, Bellamy smirked, pulling it back before Murphy could touch it. “Now, before we start I don't care what roy o'bannon taught you. It's not a toy, you don't play with it or twirl it around. At least, not unless you want to shoot yourself.”

“Just give me the gun.” Murphy grumbled, snatching at it once more. Bellamy let it go with only a little reluctance.

“Okay, so you want the barrel pointing that way, the barrel's this bit.” Bellamy said patronisingly, pointing to the barrel of the gun. Murphy elbowed him in the stomach making Bellamy huff out a pained breath and Raven snort a laugh.

“Watch and learn Blake.” Murphy said before doing exactly what Bellamy had told him not to do and twirling the gun around his finger like a cowboy. He caught it in both hands a moment later, levelling it at the tree with a faded X marked into it for a target, pressing the gun against his shoulder, inhaling gently before the shot rang out. It slammed into the tree, missing the centre of the target by a few inches but surprisingly good none the less. After a few more shots rang out, bark splintering off of the tree before Murphy stopped, lowering the gun and turning to Bellamy with an undeniably smug expression. Chest puffed out, eyes sparkling, ready for Bellamy to praise him.

Bellamy looked back to the tree, to the small bullet holes that had crept closer to the X with each shot.

“Well.” Murphy nudged. And really, Bellamy should say 'nice one' or something along those lines, but Murphy looked far too smug and Bellamy wasn't about to feed into that.

“Well, thank god you're better at this than you are at throwing knives.” Bellamy said dryly.

“Go float yourself.” Murphy grumbled petulantly.

“It was alright.” Bellamy said, smirking at Murphy's indignant huff. “Your form was a bit off though.”

“Fuck my form.” Murphy said.

“That an invitation?” The words were out of Bellamy's mouth before he'd thought about them. Murphy blinked stupidly at him, mouth hanging open, seemingly lost for words as Bellamy fought the urge to punch himself in the face. He cleared his throat.“Raven. You want a go?”

“On Murphy? No thanks.” The woman said casually. Murphy barked out a bright laugh.

“Oh come on Reyes, you know you want this.” Murphy said, gesturing down at himself. Raven gave an undignified snort, rolling her eyes.

“Give me the damn gun Murphy.” She stomped forwards, snatching the gun way from him. “Now watch and learn boys.” And so the two did, watching as Raven unloaded a few bullets into the tree. Bellamy watched as they landed ever so slightly closer to the x than Murphy's bullets.

“I was just warming up.” Murphy snorted. “We both know I could hit the target before you could.”

“Oh do we?” Raven said, squaring up to Murphy. The mans eyes ran over her, his hand coming up to his nose to rub as a smirk lifted on his lips. He gave a shrug that gave his answer. “Bellamy, go get another gun. Me and Murphy are gonna have a little competition.”

“You really wanna go up against me Reyes?”

“I do. How about we make it interesting.”

“What were you thinking?”

“I hit the target first you have to eat Jobi nuts. You missed everyone else's trip.”

“No.” Bellamy said quickly.

“Alright but if I win-”

“No.” Bellamy repeated. “No one is getting high again.”

“Bella-”

“You're not doing it Murphy. It's dangerous.”

“But-”

“Fine. Then if I win Murphy goes to work in the furnace.” Raven said, nodding back to camp at the small hut half way through construction that they would smoke the meat in once it was up and running.

“Alright..Bellamy go get me a gun.” And really, Bellamy should have told Murphy no again. Explained that training was one thing but stupid competitions was a waste of bullets, that they needed them. But they both looked happy, excited, and Jasper was meant to be working on a recipe for more gun powder so they'd have more ammo soon.

Bellamy trudged off, leaving the two to hammer out the bet between themselves while he found another gun. Before long he was leaning back against a tree, watching the cheering people around him with a frown.

“Isn't this a waste of bullets?” Clarke asked, sliding up beside him.

“Wouldn't be if either of them would actually listen to me when I try to teach them how to shoot.” Bellamy grumbled, looking over to Murphy and Raven, taking turns to fire off rounds into the tree, trying to get a shot at the dead centre of the target.

“COME ON REYES! KICK HIS ASS!” Someone bellowed.

“MAKE US PROUD MURPHY!” Another yelled. Bellamy laughed at Murphy's muttered curses as Raven shot only a few millimetres off target, The boy shook out his shoulder with a grimace before he moved to take his next shot.

“I'm glad he's back.” Clarke said gently.

“You don't like him.”

“He's an asshole.” Clarke said bluntly starting a laugh out of Bellamy. “But he's one of us. By the looks of it we're going to be the only arkers on the ground. We need everyone we can get.”

“The ark could still-”

“We haven't heard from them since unity day. Raven thinks something's wrong.”

“You believe her?”

“If there's one thing I've learnt since she came down it's that betting against her isn't a good idea.” Clarke hummed.

“Murphy wanted you to come play cards with us some time. We could get Raven to play as well. Unless it would be uncomfortable for you two?”

“Why would it be uncomfortable.” Clarke asked stiffly, Bellamy nodded to Finn with a small smirk. Clarke caught Finns eye for a moment before quickly turning away, face hardening as she glared off into the trees.

“It's fine.”

“Yeah.. I can see that.” Bellamy mused. A cheer rose through the crowd as Raven's bullet finally hit the target, winning her the bet.

“Suck it Murphy! Hope you enjoy your new work detail.” Raven cheered.

“Best two out of three?” Murphy offered.

“No! We've wasted enough time and bullets” Bellamy said quickly. “Everyone back to work!”

The crowd slowly dispersed, a few happy claps on the back to Raven as they went, soon only Bellamy, Clarke, Murphy and Raven remained.

“What about me? Can I get back to work now?” Raven asked, chucking the gun into Bellamy's arms, he fumbled with it for a moment before managing to steady it.

“Fine, but take it slow. The fever's gone but-”

“Yeah yeah, drink water, don't go for any runs, I know the drill.” Raven said, waving Clarke off as she begun taking off towards camp. “Hey Murphy. You any better with electronics than you are with bullets?”

“I know how to work a DVD player.” Murphy said with a small shrug.

“Then you've got a lot to learn. Come on.” Raven decided walking away, expecting Murphy to follow. Bellamy frowned as Murphy actually did, throwing his gun into Bellamy's arms like Raven had done moments before and taking off after her.

“What..whys he going with her?”

“Don't look at me.” Clarke said with a small shrug, taking off back towards the drop ship.

“A hot girl who's probably on the rebound asked him to help with something she definitely doesn't need help with. I'll give you three guesses why your boy followed her.” Bellamy jumped at the voice from besides him, wondering why the hell people seemed to constantly sneak up on him.

“That's not...They're not-” Bellamy said with a laugh, looking back towards the tech tent as Murphy ducked inside. “You think Murphy and Raven are going to?” Bree waggled her eyebrows with a mischievous smile.

And honestly, Bellamy knew he had no place to be upset by it but he couldn't help the bubble of pain pulsing in his stomach at the thought of Murphy with someone else.

“Well, I know what I plan on doing when I invite a guy to my tent.” She said. Bellamy's eyes went back to the tent. His heart in his throat as he thought about what they could be doing in there.

“I remember exactly what you plan on doing when you take a guy to a tent..Or a girl for that matter.” Bellamy hummed.

“You sure? I mean, if you've forgotten I could always refresh your memory.” Bree purred, fingers stroking down Bellamy's forearm. Bellamy licked his lips, dragging his eyes away from the tent and back to Bree.

She was gorgeous, with her fair skin and blond hair rolling past her shoulders. With the kind of smile that made your heart stutter with excitement because you could tell something good was about to come. Murphy was his friend, and that's all he'd ever be. Bellamy chewed his lip. It'd probably be good to get Murphy out of his mind anyway, before things got awkward between them.

“I guess I could take a short break.” Bellamy said gently, Bree smiled, taking his hand and leading him towards his tent.

*

It was long past midnight when Murphy finally ducked into their tent that night. Glowering at Bellamy already spread out in the bed before he gingerly sat next to him.

“Good day?” Bellamy grumbled and despite his hopes that Bree would have taken his mind of Murphy it hadn't really worked. He still felt desperately hopeful that it _hadn't_ been a good day. That Bree had been wrong and that Raven hadn't been looking for anything but Murphy's help with whatever project she was working on. Murphy didn't reply, just grabbed a blanket from Bellamy and turned over, shifting himself to the very edge of the bed.

“I'll take that as a no.” Bellamy said. Hating himself for the little burst of joy in his chest knowing that Murphy hadn't gotten laid. “You want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“Okay...You want to play cards.” Bellamy tried.

“I'm good.”

“you want to-”

“Fuck off Bellamy.” Murphy snapped. Bellamy's mouth gaped open for a minute before he found his voice again.

“Someone's feeling grumpy. What's wrong with you?” Bellamy asked, kicking Murphy's leg gently.

“I said fuck off.” Murphy snapped. Bellamy raised an eyebrow.

“Seriously? What crawled up your ass and died?” Bellamy asked, Murphy huffed, flopping back over to glare at Bellamy. He only looked for a moment before his eyes slid up to the top of the tent, an almost comical bitch face in place. It probably would have been funny if he didn't know it was directed at him.

“You broke the no sex in the tent rule.” Murphy said.

“You know about that?” Bellamy said quietly. He tried to squash down the guilt, he shouldn't feel guilty for it. It wasn't his fault Murphy had decided to spend the day panting after Raven leaving him open for Bree to 'refresh his memory'. Wasn't his fault that he thought Bree could be fairly helpful in keeping their friendship in tact by making him forget about Murphy. Not that it had worked, but well, he'd had fun, she'd had fun, a good experience for all.

“Tents aren't exactly sound proof Bellamy. You'd have to be deaf to not know.” Murphy snorted. “You barely lasted a day.”

“Come on Murphy. You weren't even here. It didn't inconvenience you at all.” Bellamy pointed out tentatively.

“It smells.” Murphy whined, sounding appalled.

“It does not smell.” Bellamy said with a small laugh. “You're just pissed you're not getting any.” Bellamy wouldn't admit that he felt stupidly happy to be able to say that. He wondered, for a split second, whether it would be inappropriate to pick Raven 'thank you for not sleeping with the guy I'm in love with' flowers.

“Yeah well who's fault is that.” Murphy hissed.

“I mean, I would say yours but I'm quite curious as to how you think it's my fault.” Bellamy said, grinning smugly at the side of Murphy's head.

“Everyone hates me thanks to you.” Murphy said.

“Murphy you held a girl over a fire.” Bellamy pointed out. Watching as Murphy shifted away from Bellamy again, curling further in on himself.

“To make it look like we were dying because you didn't want anyone following us down.” Murphy grumbled.

“You've always been dick. Everyone would have hated you anyway.” Bellamy joked, playfully nudging Murphy. Expecting Murphy to turn back round and insult him back.

“Mbege liked me until you got him killed.” Murphy snapped. The playful smile fell from Bellamy's face instantly, blood running cold as his heart found it's way deep into his throat leaving him gasping on air.

“I didn't-” Bellamy tried croakily.

“Go float yourself.” Murphy made his exit from the tent leaving Bellamy watching the opening flapping back into place behind him. He wanted to let Murphy go off, to leave it until he had more of an idea of what the hell to say to that. For when he felt less like he was about to throw up thinking about Mbege laying on the floor, throat slit. But he knew Murphy and Murphy tended to do stupid things when he was upset. He waited five minutes, hoping Murphy would duck back in and slide back onto his side of the tent, just giving Bellamy the cold shoulder. When he didn't Bellamy groaned crawling out of the tent. He fully expected to find Murphy arguing with whoever was on watch as he tried to leave the camp so he could get some time actually alone for once.

Instead Murphy was sat by the fire pit. A single hunched over silhouette in the orange light. Bellamy relaxed slightly, Murphy was in camp, he wasn't trying to leave Bellamy could give him a few minutes to himself. He rounded the perimeter of camp, waking up one or two of the guards with a shove and a harsh glare. He finally came to a stop next to Monroe, hopping up onto the barricade next to her.

“You seen anything?” Bellamy asked gently.

“No.”

“Well lets hope it stays that way.” Bellamy murmured, eyes flickering through the dark trees. Monroe gave a stiff nod, her hands twitching on the gun. “You okay?”

“Raven thinks there's something wrong on the ark. That something happened and they're not coming down.” Monroe said quietly. Bellamy looked up to the sky, eyes searching the stars for the hunk of metal he use to call home. Clarke was right, he wouldn't bet against Raven, if she said something was wrong, chances are she was right. “We're not getting any help are we?”

“We've got this.” Bellamy said gruffly. “ We got them at the bridge. They know we have bombs now, I doubt they'll be wanting to start a fight any time soon.” he lied. Monroe shifted again giving a small nod. “And if they do come. We've got guns, Jaspers cooking up some more gun powder so we'll have more bullets. We've got our army, we have Clarke to fix us up if we get hurt, Finn to try and negotiate a truce once we'd scared them enough and Raven to figure out how we do the scaring. This is our home now. They're not getting us out of it without a fight.” Monroe's eyes moved back to the trees, her jaw tensing as she gave a small nod.

“You think we'll be alright?”

“I know it.” Bellamy said, trying to make himself believe the words. He looked back to Murphy, still hunched by the fire, Bellamy frowned when he noticed the way his eyes were squeezed shut, his hand pressed tightly to his ribs as he grimaced. “You're doing good.” Bellamy murmured, distracted. He blindly patted Monroe on the back before jumping off of the stand and moving over to Murphy. The mans eyes opened when he heard Bellamy coming, pale blue catching warm brown. Bellamy continued his tentative approach, wincing when Murphy turned away, looking back to the fire. The younger man shifted, letting out a hiss that had him grabbing at his shoulder. Bellamy gave up all pretence of a careful approach, practically throwing himself at Murphy's feet. Eyes running over every inch of skin he could see as if he'd find blood pouring out.

“Are you okay?” Bellamy inquired.

“I'm fine.”

“John.” Bellamy pleaded. He could see Murphy's jaw working as his fingers tensed around his shoulder. “What's wrong?”

“I just..I'm sore.” Murphy grumbled, looking away.

“I can get Clarke she can-”

“There's nothing she can do.” Murphy said stiffly. “Asked her earlier.” He admitted bitterly. “Not like we have pain killers.” Bellamy's eyes ran over his tense shoulder, body locked tight. Fingers twisting in his top, teeth grinding together. He reached out slowly, touching tentatively at Murphy's knee.

“Come on man, You're gunna crack your teeth if you keep doing that.”

“You're one to talk.” Murphy said. Blinking his eyes, with a queasy feeling Bellamy realised they were watery. Tears hanging in the corners, threatening to fall.

“Murphy how much does it hurt?” Murphy's jaw clenched again at the question. A small shrug rising that just made the pained look on his face worse. Bellamy's fingers clenched against Murphy's knee.

“It's fine.” Murphy said, moving to shove Bellamy's hand away. Bellamy caught Murphy's fingers in his as he did. Tugging on them lightly and ducking his head to force Murphy to look at him.

“How much does it hurt?”

“I was tortured. How much do you think it hurts.” Murphy hissed. Bellamy remembered the pain barely hidden on Lincoln's face as he tortured him. He would be that the grounders knew a lot more about torture than he did. That they would have hit the places that would hurt the most, that they knew how to keep him awake while causing as much pain as possible. The way Murphy's voice had shook as he had said they were vicious and cruel. That that coming from Murphy meant a hell of a lot.

“I'm getting Clarke.” Bellamy decided, dropping Murphy hand and standing up.

“Bella-”

“Monroe! Keep an eye on Murphy for a minute.”

“I'm not a child you-”

“I'll be back.” With that Bellamy jogged off to the drop ship, ignoring Murphy's calls of protest and the yelp of some poor soul sleeping on the drop ship floor as he stumbled over them in the darkness.

“Clarke.” Bellamy whisper yelled.

“Bellamy?” Clarke asked sleepily, pulling herself out of her hammock. Bellamy was sure he should apologise for waking her but he had bigger problems.

“I need something for Murphy. He's in pain.” Bellamy said. Clarke frowned, eyes flickering over to the door.

“I can't..I don't have any painkillers” She said softly.

“There has to be something.”

“The best I can offer is a cup of moonshine.” Clarke said with a small shrug.

“Here.” Bellamy looked behind him to find Zeke watching them, one hand cupping his side that Bellamy was sure he'd kicked as he walked in and the other holding out a small bundle of what looked like wood chips. The two leaders drew closer to Zeke as if pulled by an invisible tether.

“It's Willow bark. Monty gave it to me after I got hit with that arrow.” Zeke explained. “Helps with the pain. He said you shouldn't have too much, but you can chew it, or make it into a tea.”

“It works?” Clarke asked, picking at one of the chips of bark.

“Yeah. Better than anything else I've found.” Zeke said with a tentative smile.

“Alright, thank you. I'll make a tea out of some of it.” Clarke said. “I'll bring it out in a minute, I want to check on him. Make sure nothings infected. Want me to make you some too Zeke? Your side hurting again?”

“Yeah. It got knocked.” Zeke said, turning to Bellamy with an eyebrow raised accusingly. Bellamy grinned sheepishly.

“Sorry and Thanks Zeke. I appreciate it.” Bellamy said earnestly, clapping him on the back. “We'll be by the fire when it's ready.” Clarke hummed, already wandering off, picking through the bark with interest.

*

Clarke insisted none of Murphy's wounds were infected and that he was actually healing quite nicely before she sent them off with the newly brewed tea that Bellamy ended up practically force feeding him when Murphy decided he didn't like the taste.

Finally they were back in their tent. Murphy curled around himself, wrapped in his blanket with a frown leaving Bellamy shifting nervously.

“Hey Murphy..I'm sorry about Mbege.” Bellamy said quietly. “I didn't mean-”

“It's fine. It wasn't your fault.”

“It was and-

“No. It was his choice to go with you. His choice to carry on when more than half the group turned back. I shouldn't have said that I just.....He's always been there.”

“I get it-” Bellamy started.

“No you don't.” Murphy said with a bitter laugh. “He was younger than me, not by much, but enough. For three years I've watched people getting marched out of the skybox and never come back. I knew that that was my fate. That one day I was going to be marched out like the rest of them. So many people have died. My first cell mate, I'd been there barely two weeks, it was my second day out of solitary and he just...he'd seen it too, been there for years, his birthday was the next day and he refused to be floated. He said he didn't want to die like that.” Murphy stopped, letting out a shaky breath.

“The guards wouldn't come, kids scream for them every night they didn't care, didn't even check till morning. There was so much blood.” Murphy paused again taking a ragged inhale. “They took his body away but the blood stains wouldn't come off the floor and I hated it, but then Mbege came and when I found out he was younger than me I knew I wouldn't be around when he died. That for the rest of my life he'd be there. But now he's not, and like you so helpfully pointed out, it's not like anyone in this place likes me and I can't see me and any grounders becoming friends. He was all I had.”

“Murphy-”

“Shut up.” Murphy grumbled. “Just..forget it. I didn't mean what I said about Mbege, he was a big boy and made his own decision to go with you. Same to Roma, they're not your fault. I'm tired and in pain because of the stupid fucking grounders who actually killed him so I'm talking shit.”

“Good to know some things never change.” Bellamy said lightly. He heard a wet laugh from Murphy that made a small part of the worry in his chest extinguish. He licked his lips, looking to Murphy's tense shoulders before shuffling over. Murphy's body locked further as Bellamy snaked an arm gently around his waist. Tugging at him until he flopped over, head knocking against Bellamy's chin. He tried to slow his jack rabbiting heart beat, worried Murphy would feel it. His fingers slowly pulled through Murphy's dirty hair, his body felt like it was on fire, waiting with baited breath for Murphy to pull away but ever so slowly Murphy begun to relax. Bellamy felt his own muscles ease in relief, letting out a slow breath as he worked his fingers carefully through the knots in Murphy's hair. “It seems like Raven likes you.” He pointed out.

“We piss each other off.” Murphy snorted. “Pretty sure she only wanted me there to keep other people away.” Which really, was quite a good plan on Raven's part if that had indeed been what she was doing.

“Well." Bellamy said, tongue darting out to wet his lips. "For what it's worth you've got me.”

“Aren't I lucky.” Murphy said, voice laced with sarcasm despite the way his fingers clenched around the thin fabric of Bellamy's top, pulling him closer. Bellamy rolled his eyes fondly. tucking his arm tighter around Murphy.

“That lovely bark kicking in yet?” Bellamy asked thickly.

“Totally. it's moved from unbearable to excruciating.” Murphy said dryly.

“Well that's good to know. Hopefully tomorrow It can die down to agonising.” Bellamy joked softly..

“It's always good to have goals.”

“Dream big.” Bellamy murmured. Tilting his head back away from Murphy's before he gave into the ridiculous notion to kiss Murphy's forehead.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just a slut for tent cuddles. Hope you like it :) thank you for reading!!


	25. Make it everlasting

Waking up was strange. Bellamy had lost track of the amount of times he'd slept next to Murphy when they were younger. He'd never been one for sleepovers, not wanting to leave Octavia alone all night but still at times it would get too late and they'd fall asleep to be woken up a few hours later by Mrs Murphy stumbling in at which point Bellamy would quickly rush back to his home. Or after guard training when Bellamy would collapse onto Murphy's bed with a groan and wake up a few hours later with Murphy spread across his back, snoring gently in a way that sounded more like a purr that anything else. Bellamy was pretty sure he spent half the time he spent with Murphy on the ark asleep in Murphy's room curled around him like a clingy octopus. But, it had been a long time since it had last happened. At least like this, when he'd wake up with an arm over Murphy's waist and Murphy's breath puffing gently across his shoulder.

The younger man was warm along Bellamy's side, his fingers curled loosely in his top. He could hear the sounds of the camp coming to life around them. The shuffle of footsteps around and the quiet hum of sleepy voices. Bellamy curled closer to Murphy, burying his nose into Murphy's hair and closing his eyes, listening to Murphy's steady breathing.

His mind went back to the night before. To Murphy quietly explaining about Mbege. About having to watch people day after day be taken away. Murphy shifted next to him, pressing his cold nose against Bellamy's throat. Bellamy used one arm to shift the blanket further up them.

He knew the second Murphy woke up, from the way his body stiffened for a moment, fingers twitching from their place curled into Bellamy's top. Bellamy thought, for a few moments, about pretending to be asleep. Leaving it so Murphy could do what he wanted but instead he found his arm tightening around Murphy again. Head tilting slightly so his chin bumped softly against Murphy's forehead.

“Morning.”

“Morning.” Murphy grumbled, voice raspy with sleep.

“I should get up.” Bellamy said, not making any move to leave. Murphy hummed in agreement, fingers tightening in Bellamy's shirt. “You doing okay? Want me to get you some of that tea?”

“Sure. I'd love to get more of Zeke's wood in my mouth.” Murphy said dryly. Bellamy let out a snort of laughter, a bright smile on his face as he eyed the orange celling.

“It's far too early for you to say shit like that Murphy.”

Almost half an hour later Murphy was finally crawling off of the bed, the urge to pee too strong to hold leaving Bellamy to go find more of the bark and make more tea.

*

Murphy, surprisingly, fit back into camp fairly well. Clarke had said it would be safer if Murphy didn't do any heavy lifting for a few days to keep from reopening any of his variety of wounds and since Murphy's new job was in the still under construction furnace it left him with free time to wander around camp as he pleased.

Bellamy would generally find him sitting with Raven, talking shit as she tried to work on plans that would save their lives. If he wasn't with her then he would be sitting by the fire, Cards in hand as he convinced delinquents to skive of their work and play with him. Not that people seemed to really like Murphy all too much. They still thought that he was a ass, and rightly so because Murphy was an utter asshole but they seemed to take it in their stride more.

Of course, where Murphy was Bellamy was never far behind, half of the time dragging Clarke with him to check Murphy's wounds yet again the other half it would be with more tea to keep Murphy's aches at bay.

Things between them were easy, for the first time in a long time.

Well, as easy as things could get when Bellamy was harbouring a crush on him. Which meant there were more than a few aborted flirting attempts from Bellamy each day that passed and that Bellamy did feel a bit like his heart was about to explode from his chest every time Murphy was near. But, apart from that, they felt normal. In a lot of ways it was different from how it had been on the ark. For one Murphy seemed to want other people to hang out with them even if he'd bitch at them whenever someone did join in their conversations or card games. However in other ways it was similar, the touching was back, the more casual pats on the back and the ease in which Murphy would flop practically on top of him at the end of the day, ready to use Bellamy was a pillow.

Octavia started talking to Murphy too. Not a whole lot but Bellamy thought that could have something to do with the fact he was always hanging around Murphy. When he'd return from hunts it would be to find Murphy and Octavia talking by the fire, both with smiles that they were trying to force down into unimpressed frowns. Sometimes Bellamy would leave them, would wander off to his tent for a while and let them talk, other time's he'd try to join in cautiously, it never worked. Octavia suddenly finding a reason to leave or, on other occasions just glaring at Bellamy until he felt compelled to leave himself and Murphy would follow.

The grounders were yet to attack and although Bellamy knew it was coming it was easy to be sucked into the comfortable atmosphere the camp was beginning to have. Part of Bellamy wished for the grounders to come, so they could get the fighting over and done with, so that they could finally crush out the lingering worry and anxiety bubbling beneath the surface. So that they could call the ground home easily and without fear.

*

The problem about Guard duty, Bellamy thought as he looked to the group of teens huddled around the fire, was that unlike the other jobs the gunners worked through the night. Sure, Bellamy would only be on until Peter replaced him for the late shift in just over an hour but still, the sky was inky and the air growing colder by the minute. The group around the fire looked warm, comfortable, happy. Octavia had her head thrown back as she laughed, Murphy had a smile on his lips, doing the exact opposite of Octavia and ducking his head down to hide it. Bellamy reluctantly pulled his eyes away, from the happy group looking back out over the wall.

“Okay, Monty, you got. Dare.” Murphy said. Bellamy rolled his eyes why they'd decided to use playing cards to decide whether they had to do a truth or dare Bellamy wasn't sure, what kind of system they had for actually deciding which card meant what Bellamy wasn't sure, the rules had seemed to change each turn but the delinquents still somehow understood it. Personally he thought it just seemed needlessly complicated. A simple question of truth or dare was far easier.

“I dare you to-” Bellamy phased out, watching a rabbit hop off by the wall, light grey fur standing out against the darkness of the trees. He barely looked when Jasper sprinted past naked, more interested in the fact Murphy was laughing loudly, face lit up in mirth as the delinquents continued to go through the circle.

“Alright.” Miller said, slowly. “Murphy you got a...truth. Okay...um...Who was your first time with and what was it like?” Bellamy would never admit to how fast he turned at that question, eyes zeroing on Murphy, curiosity bubbling away. He expected to see a self satisfied smirk, for Murphy to drawl out some bragging story, instead he saw Murphy turning red, shifting awkwardly on the log. His mouth opened a few times before it snapped closed.

“Oh my god.” A freshly dressed Jasper yelled. “Are you a virg-”

“Oh like you can talk.” Murphy said stiffly.

“You are?” Someone gasped.

“I was locked up when I was 14, didn't exactly have much of a chance for..that, afterwards.” Murphy scrubbed a hand over his nose.

“What about other stuff? Like first kiss?” Octavia asked.

“Tina Camden, I was 11.” Murphy said after a moment. Bellamy bit back a laugh at the memory of the girl who'd kissed Murphy, grabbing his cheeks and pulling him in for a firm kiss on the lips, complete with a smacking sound.

“She ran off crying after attacking me with her lips.” Murphy admitted.

“You were that bad?” Octavia asked with a smirk.

“Apparently she didn't appreciate me pushing her off and saying ew.” Murphy drawled.

“I wonder why.” Octavia snorted. Bellamy's eyes begun trailing back towards the outside of camp.

“First crush?” Monty asked.

“I'm pretty sure this game is meant to move onto other people after one question.” Murphy snorted. “Alright. Fine. Bellamy.” Bellamy was looking back at the sound of his name.

“Whats up?” Bellamy asked, already striding over. Eyes roaming over Murphy trying to check for signs of pain. “You need me to go get you some tea?” Incredulous gazes met him leaving him stopping half way to them.

“Back on the ark.” Murphy added, shaking his head with a small laugh. Bellamy tilted his head, bemused.

“Back on the ark what? Why'd you call me over? Do you need a blanket or-” The group of delinquents burst into laughter halting Bellamy's questions. Even Octavia was smiling at Bellamy fondly, the expression on her face one he'd expect to see when someone was looking at a three legged puppy.

“What-”

“I was answering the question you idiot.” Murphy grinned.

“I didn't ask a question.” Bellamy said slowly.

“Can't even eavesdrop right.” Miller sighed. Bellamy blinked around the group, bemused before the situation seemed to catch up with him. His eyes bulging, head snapping back to Murphy.

“Wait. Wait no, wait what? I was your first crush?” Bellamy gasped. Murphy gave a slow clap, the sound echoed dryly around the camp, the delinquents stifled their laughter. Badly.

“You liked me? Like..liked me liked me?”

“Yes. “ Murphy said with a sage nod. “Anyone else getting increasingly worried that we're putting our lives in this idiots hands?”

“I...you..what?” Bellamy stuttered. The colour begun slowly draining from Murphy's face, the man shifting in his seat, eyes flickering to the others around the fire. Bellamy wouldn't have been able to pull his eyes away if you'd paid him. Murphy's eyes met his again, cautious.

“It's not a big deal.” Murphy said softly, hopefully. “Just forget it.”

“But-”

“Shouldn't you be doing your job not eavesdropping?” Murphy said quickly. Bellamy grit his teeth, shifting from foot to foot wanting nothing more than to grab Murphy's arm and yank him off to their tent to talk about it.

He could feel the gaze of the other delinquents on him leaving him slowly stepping back, away from the fire, retreating to his post of the wall all too aware of the dragging silence that seemed to hold for too long before Murphy was finally telling Bree to pick a card.

Bellamy blocked the group out for the rest of his shift, his mind stuck on the fact Murphy liked him. He was sure a grounder could have dance in front of him, naked and covered in honey and he still wouldn't have been able to drag him mind away from the fact Murphy had a crush on him.

By the time his shift had ended most of the group around the fire had dispersed, leaving only a few stragglers sitting talking quietly to each other. The gunners about to be on shift were wandering around, doing last minute tasks before taking their posts. It seemed everyone was managing to switch out before Bellamy. Leaving him once again listening in to Murphy's conversation. A girl was sat next to him. Too close for what Bellamy would consider acceptable, her fingers trailing slowly down Murphy's arm as they talked. Bellamy could see Murphy's eyes occasionally drooping down to the fingers on his arm before he'd move them back up to the girl warily.

“We're you actually telling the truth about the virgin thing?”

“No, I thought I'd lie because generally being a seventeen year old virgin is seen as really cool.” Murphy drawled.

“I just can't believe you're a virgin.” She said. Peter arrived, ready to switch with Bellamy. Bellamy all too happily slammed the gun into his arms, patting him on the back and searching for Miller with his eyes, if Murphy was busy talking he could keep himself busy for a little while.

“Well..Believe it.” Murphy said with a shrug.

“I could always fix that for you.” The girl cooed. Fingers squeezing Murphy's bicep. Bellamy barely contained the urge to stumble back and clasp his chest like a scandalised over dramatic mother from one of the telenovelas they had on the ark. As it was, his actual reaction wasn't much better.

“MURPHY!” The volume of his voice shocked even him, the poor girl hitting on Murphy jumped almost off of the log, Jasper dropped his cup from across camp, dropping moonshine across the muddy floor. Bellamy froze at the eyes from all around camp falling on him. “It's uh..bedtime.” Bellamy said, his voice almost too quiet now. He could see Miller turning back to the wall, shoulders shaking in silent laughter.

“You're..giving me a bed time?” Murphy said slowly. Bellamy shifted in place, eyes dropping to the tips of his boots.

“You're injured.” Bellamy tried. “Clarke said you need rest.”

“She did?” Murphy drawled. “I thought I was okay Right princess?” Bellamy's head shot up. Finding Clarke hovering by a tent eyes flickering between him and Murphy, mouth gaping for a moment.

“Well.” Clarke said slowly. Her eyes stopped on Bellamy, who was ninety nine percent sure that she was wishing that she'd never taken Bellamy back to camp with her after their trip to the bunker and started the tentative friendship they have. “Bellamy's right.” Murphy's eyebrow rose almost to his hair line. “I didn't exactly say to give you a bed time but I did say that you should be sleeping regular hours.” Clarke lied. “You should go back to your tent while Bellamy makes you some tea.” Murphy still seemed dubious but gave a small nod, hands coming up as if in surrender before he stood.

“I could get it for him? While you have a drink, you must want to rel-”

“I got it.”Bellamy said, barely keeping the hostility out of his voice. “Clarke why don't you go with Murphy, check his wounds again, just to be sure. I'll grab the tea and meet you in our tent.” Bellamy said. Clarke rolled her eyes but begun shooing Murphy towards the tent leaving Bellamy to make the tea.

*

They should have been sleeping. Clarke had left declaring, once again, that Murphy was doing fine over an hour ago. It had been far too long of silence for them both to be lying awake staring at the walls of the tent. But Murphy had a crush on him. Murphy had at some point harboured feelings for him and Bellamy felt far too nervous to just drop off to sleep. The space between them felt strange, Bellamy had grown use to slinking around Murphy like a clingy sloth as they went to sleep. Now however there arms weren't even touching, leaving Bellamy feeling even worse, fingers twitching by his sides as he tried to figure out whether or not it would be okay to do as he usually did and pull Murphy in. But, he thought once more, Murphy had had a crush on him.

Bellamy knew, if he ever wanted to say something he should just do it. Just blurt out the confession but, well, Bellamy wasn't very good at this sort of thing. Bellamy's relationships on the ark had been sorely lacking, a kiss here, a date there, but nothing serious. How could he ever get serious about anyone. He had Octavia to look after, it wasn't like he could ever really get married or have a kid of his own, not without exposing her to at the very least one more person

And when he wasn't with Octavia he had Murphy, taking up almost all of his free time, not that he minded, he was more than happy to spend hours hiding away in the boys room

So Bellamy had never really looked for someone, he'd accept the occasional date, asked for one when the other trainee guards would rip into him for his total lack of romantic life but he'd never really done the whole making a move thing. Far more often than not the people he was with would come up to him. And 90% of those had been on the ground looking for no more than some fun.

How exactly was he meant to go about the actual feelings thing?

Would Murphy expect or want flowers?

Did there have to be a special moment?

What would happen in Murphy laughed in his face and promptly moved into Jasper and Monty's tent to get away from the man who screwed him over, got his best friend killed and left him to be tortured only to then try to explain he had feelings for him?

He licked his lips, heart hammering. Murphy had liked him before. And, if somehow, after all they'd been through those feelings still lingered then maybe Bellamy could just..nudge Murphy along into making the first move. From there Bellamy could handle it, once he knew Murphy reciprocated then he would be fine . Bellamy licked his lips again. Taking a deep breath.

“So.” Bellamy started, drawing out the word as he tried to think of what to say next. He felt Murphy shift beside him, heard the small exasperated groan resonating.

“Don't.”

“Don't what?” Bellamy asked. Palms beginning to sweat as his heart came to a sudden stop. How could he get rejected before he even started the damn conversation.

“Don't make it weird.” Murphy sighed.

“You don't even know what I was going to say?” Bellamy said. Murphy huffed, flipping round onto his side and hoisting himself onto one elbow so he could hang over Bellamy, forcing him to look at the younger man. Bellamy gulped, Murphy's forearm pressed in a warm line against Bellamy's side making him itch to touch.

“Alright then, what were you going to say?” Murphy asked, a smirk on his lips.

_Abort! Abort!_ Bellamy thought frantically.

“You have a crush on me?” His mouth blurted. Murphy huffed once more, warm breath ghosting over Bellamy's face.

“Had.” Murphy corrected. Bellamy felt his jaw clench, embarrassment rolling through him. “As in past tense.” Bellamy gave a small nod. Swallowing as he looked up at Murphy trying to keep the warm flush off of his cheeks. He hadn't said anything telling, He was just a platonic buddy wondering when his platonic buddy had had a crush on him. Not weird at all.

“Surprised you know what past tense means..” Bellamy said, forcing a smile.

“Screw you.” Murphy snorted, flopping back over to his side of the bed leaving Bellamy able to breath again. “Look, Bellamy. It was a long time ago. I don't..I'm not going to-”

“When?” Bellamy asked.

“What?”

“When did you like me, and why didn't you tell me.”

“Why do you care?”

_because I'm in love with you and want to know if I have any semblance of a chance_ Bellamy thought.

“I thought we told each other everything.”

“Tell me again how you're an only child.” Murphy drawled.

“That was different. I couldn't tell you about O.” Murphy was quiet, Bellamy gave his leg gentle kick. “Murphy come on. I'm just cur-”

“I don't know when it started.” Murphy huffed bitterly. “When I figured it out I wasn't going to tell you and make things weird. Then you acted like an ass and then ignored me after my mom died and I was more interested in seeing you floating than seeing you fu-.” Murphy's word died out in a strangled whine. “Not that I ever thought about that.” He corrected. Bellamy really wanted to look over. To see if Murphy was blushing but he could feel the burn of blood in his own cheeks and didn't want to display it any more than it must have already showed.

Bellamy wanted to say something. Wanted for the words to blurt out of his mouth like his awful attempts at flirting had the past few days but he was stuck for words.

“Murphy I-” Bellamy broke off nervously, licking his lips.

_I love you_ seemed too sudden, like if he said it he'd be throwing Murphy of a cliff and praying that somehow Murphy would decide to fly back up and meet him on the level ground and reciprocate.

_I have a crush on you_ seemed too small. Like a five year old approaching their mums bests friends kid.

_I've thought about that stuff to so don't feel weird. If you still think about that stuff how about we stop being awkward and go to pound town_ Well, at the very least he assumed Murphy would appreciate his use of the phrase pound town.

“I'm tired.” Bellamy croaked eventually.. “We should get some sleep.”

“Right, it is past my bed time.” Murphy nodded.

“Right.” Bellamy repeated. “So..You gonna.” Bellamy raised an arm, wincing as he did at the strange gesture meant to prompt Murphy into curling up into Bellamy's side. He dropped his hand back to the bed, leaving him patting the empty space between them which felt even worse.

Murphy turned onto his side, away from Bellamy leaving Bellamy's heart clenching uncomfortably.

“Is it going to be weird now?” Murphy asked quietly.

“Not unless you want it to be.” Bellamy truly hated his brain and his mouth for blurting those words out but being unable to blurt out an actual confession.

“the hell does that mean?”

“It means it'll be weird if you make it weird.” Bellamy covered. “I mean..It's not like you still like me right?”

“No.”

“Okay...great.” Bellamy grit out, shifting uncomfortably.

“Great.” Murphy echoed. Bellamy closed his eyes, trying to force himself to ignore the space between them and the pathetic sinking of his heart at another admission to the crush being gone before a hand was grabbing his wrist. Murphy yanked at it, hard, until Bellamy was forced to follow it as Murphy tucked Bellamy's arm around him leaving Bellamy's chest pressed in a solid line down Murphy's back. He prayed Murphy wouldn't feel the mad jack hammering of his heart. “Night Bellamy.” Murphy said. Turning his face to burrow it into the pillow. Bellamy relaxed slowly, tightening his hold on Murphy and letting his eyes close. Murphy smelt like a mix of smoke and meat from a day working in the newly completed furnace, a smell that really wasn't all too appealing, the smoke reminding Bellamy far too much of Murphy being dragged into the sky box so many years ago. But even so, Bellamy couldn't think of anywhere else he'd rather be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cheesy af ending but sue me. i need these little pricks to be happy. Hope you enjoy it :) xx


	26. Tell me who has won

Murphy had gotten into another fight. Bellamy had left him for one shift on guard duty thinking nothing bad could happen when working in the smoke house. Not when the only other person he would really be working with was Octavia and he'd came back to the furnace on fire and Murphy throwing punches at Del.

Murphy didn't even look surprised when Bellamy got in between them, grabbing Murphy's arm and hauling him off to the drop ship glaring at the blood leaking slowly from the mans lip as he grabbed a cloth and moved to clean the small wound.

“What happened?” Bellamy asked, dabbing gently at the split on Murphy's lip from the one punch Del had thrown. Bellamy was happy that it seemed Murphy had at least gotten in one more hit than he had.

“What happened was that douche kept stoking the fire, probably because your sister told him not to.” Murphy grumbled, gently slapping Bellamy's hand away, he dropped the rag back onto the table with a sigh.

“Why would he-”

“Because your sisters the girl banging the enemy.” Murphy said bluntly. “And because I was the only one there to back her up on it being dumb and well, I'm the guy who told the enemy all of our secrets.” Bellamy grit his teeth, anger surging in him, he took a breath, forcing it back down. Dealing with Del would have to wait.

“I've got to go see what we have left. Are you going to be okay?”

“No, I survived torture but a split lip might just kill me.” Murphy drawled.

*

Clarke wanted to go hunting. Bellamy personally thought it was a terrible idea but with the alternative being slowly starving to death Bellamy grudgingly agreed to send out as many as they could afford. If they could just get enough food to tide them over for a few weeks they would be okay, just long enough for them to set the mine field and a make more bullets.

“You're staying here.” Bellamy said, watching as the groups begun filing out of the gate.

“Bellamy.” Murphy started, rolling his eyes.

“I don't care what you say you're staying here, last time you almost died so-”

“Let me get this straight.” Murphy interrupted. “You're ordering me to sit here and do absolutely no work.”

“Yes.”

“Alright. Cool. Can I have the cards?”

“You're okay with this?” Bellamy asked, bemused.

“No. I really want to trek through the forest risking being caught and tortured again. Please oh please let me come.” Murphy drawled. Bellamy sighed, pulling the cards from his pocket and slapping them into Murphy's waiting hand.

“Clarke's going and Miller's with me so you're in charge while we're all gone. The gate stays closed, the gunners we're leaving stay at their posts. I'll see you when we get back. Stay sa-”

“yeah yeah go on then.” Murphy said, already shuffling the cards. “Oi grounder pounder, Raven get out here!” He hollerred, walking away without looking back.

“Come on man.” Miller said, patting Bellamy on the back and steering him towards the open gate. The group of hunters having already disappeared off.

*

“We should think about heading back. It's getting late.” Bellamy murmured.

“We've been gone half an hour Bellamy.” Miller said with a small snort of laughter. “Murphy'll be fine.”

“I wasn't thinking about Murphy.” Bellamy lied. It wasn't his fault he got nervous about leaving him alone in the camp. Bad things tended to happen when Bellamy left Murphy alone. He wondered if they were paying enough attention to their surroundings. Murphy and Octavia could really get sucked into card games, along with half the camp. If Murphy had agreed to let them play then there could be no one on guard. “Maybe we should have left more people with them.” Bellamy said, looking behind him nervously as if he'd come face to face with the pair of them being held by grounders with knives to their throats.

“Come on. You giving him a bedtime was bad enough, don't give him a baby sitter too.”

“I didn't give him a bedtime. Clarke said-”

“Yeah, Clarke.” Miller chuckled. “Come on ma, you know no one was buying that it was Clarke who wanted Murphy to go to bed.” Miller said calmly. Continuing to pick through the forest with ease.

“He's injured, she said-”

“Your problem was less about his injuries and more about who wanted to kiss them better.”

“What's that suppose to mean?” Bellamy snapped. Miller let out a small groan.

“Here's a crazy idea.” Miller mused. “You get your head out of your ass and realise that you like him.” Bellamy shifted uncomfortably. Looking out to the tree's hoping desperately to spot a deer to shoot for a distraction.

“I don't like Murphy.” Bellamy mumbled. Miller looked to him with an eyebrow raised incredulously. Bellamy felt himself shifting again, cheeks warming with a flush. “I don't I-” Bellamy was afraid Miller's eyebrow might actually raise off of his face, the sheer level of judgement rolling from Miller made Bellamy shrink in on himself. “It's not like that?” He tried.

“Okay. I totally believe you.” Miller said with a snort of laughter. The fell back into silence for a few moments, Miller picking up his pace to follow the tracks they had spotted a few minutes before. “But if hypothetically you did like him then I'd say stop being an idiot and just talk to him. The worst than can happen is he rejects you but I don't think that would happen considering how he acts around you”

“How does he act around me?” Bellamy asked curiously. Miller rolled his eyes. “Hypothetically I mean.

“Of course.” Miller snorted. “Like a happier asshole than he is around anyone else. I can't be with the person I love, but you might be able to. Don't miss that chance because you're scared.” Bellamy let them fall into silence again, smiling at the thought that maybe Murphy was happier around him than anyone else. His eyes found Miller again, walking with his shoulders slightly hunched.

“Hey Miller.” Bellamy said tentatively. “I'm sorry about Bryan, and your dad.” Miller sighed shallowly, eyes moving towards the sky.

“It doesn't seem fair does it?” Miller asked gently, turning back to Bellamy with a pinched frown. “That these a bunch of criminals get to be the ones to live. All of us are here because we broke the law, you know, we did something wrong and yet we're still alive while the good people, the people who played by the rules died.”

“Only the good die young.” Bellamy said making a smile twitch onto Millers face, the boy gave a short nod.

“Explains why Murphy can't stop coming back to life then.” Miller hummed making Bellamy laugh.

“He's a good-”

“He peed on a guy Bellamy.”

“Okay fine. Guys an asshole.” Bellamy agreed, Miller let out a chuckle. Bellamy licked his lips, shifting guilty as he thought of throwing the radio into the lake. If he hadn't done that, maybe they would have had enough time to get some of the arkers to the ground. Miller however just grinned at him, turning back around and moving on leaving Bellamy jogging after him.

“You know, Once we've dealt with the grounders, we should start building more permanent buildings, like the smoke house but just..you know..less fiery.

“I know, we need to get some houses before winter really sets in and-”

“Screw houses.” Miller interrupted. “We need a bar.”

“A bar?”

“Yeah man. Imagine in, we get back from a long hunt and get to head into Monty and Jasper's brewery. Monty says he's been working with flavours so you could have a whole bunch. You've got berry moonshine, smoky moonshine, grass moonshine.

“Grass?”

“We're working on a pretty small palate here man. It's not like we've got a whole bunch of chemicals to make yummy flavours with. Jobi nut moonshine for those special occasions when you want to trip out.”

“Sounds great.” Bellamy said dryly, a smile working it's way onto his face. “Any other buildings we need before houses, or is a bar it?”

“Oh man I have list. Okay, a swimming pool so we can learn to swim without giant snakes trying to eat us. A casino, we'll make some more cards out of bark or something.”

“Of course.” Bellamy grinned.

*

It had been a good day, despite the fire, it was nice. Bellamy had returned to camp with a hefty buck hanging between him and Miller and spotted Murphy and Octavia sitting by the fire with smiles on their faces and had felt good. A small incident with Raven propositioning him and Murphy turning up like he had spidey senses about Bellamy breaking the no sex in the tent rule to shoo Raven away with a bitter glare hadn't put a downer on the day.

And well, If Bellamy hadn't been sure he loved Murphy he would have had to realise it when he didn't want to punch him for stopping him from getting laid, more so that he was actually happy to be going to a blue balled sleep with Murphy by his side rather than sleeping with a gorgeous girl who was probably going to be the reason they all lived in the end.

Then the news that Clarke Finn and Myles were missing reached his ears and suddenly everything was going to hell. They looked for them, of course they did, they had to and they found them, or more, they found Myles. With an arrow deep in him and the waxy pallor of death that left Bellamy feeling sick.

Myles may have been one of the people to try to kill Murphy, but he was a good kid. Excitable, seemingly innocent and although Finn annoyed the hell out of him he was his people and Clarke, Well Clarke, in some strange twist, had become a friend.

The situation was too much like Murphy's hunting trip, leaving his hands shaking and Murphy rolling his eyes as Bellamy refused to let him out of eye sight. He knew that the grounders taking Clarke was a massive blow. They were down a leader and their medic. Bellamy could taste the oncoming war in the air as they tried to fortify the camp, the tension running through everyone.

And then the two reappeared, running into camp and Bellamy didn't even have time to be happy that his new friend and co leader was back and safe before the two were spilling warnings of an army coming and ordering the camp to pack up and go.

*

“We shouldn't be running.” Bellamy said with a sigh. Murphy eyed him as he shoved the blanket into a make shift bag. “We should stay here. And fight. This is our home now we-”

“Shut up.” Murphy snapped, tossing the bag over his shoulder and scrubbing at his nose with his hand.

“What?”

“What do you want me to say Bellamy? That we should stay here, just me you and Octavia and defend the camp. Show everyone that they're wrong?”

“It would be nice.” Bellamy mumbled.

“If we stay here we'll die.”

“You were up for fighting before.”

“And I still would be if the rest of the camp would be with us because with them we stood a chance but if it's just us...I'm not staying here just to watch you die. So pack a damn bag and get moving because if you even try to refuse to come I will knock you out and drag you to the damn beach myself.”

“Running's a cowards move.” Bellamy said.

“Well right now being a coward means we'll survive so I don't see a problem with it.”

“I don't want to leave.”

“If you stay you'll die.”

“You don't know that.”

“Fine. Then if you stay I stay.”

“You just said you wouldn't.”

“Well I'm changing my mind.” Murphy said with a shrug that would look casual were it not for the fire burning in his eyes. “So tell me Bellamy, are we going to run with everyone else or is being considered 'brave' or 'heroic' or whatever the hell it is you're going for worth my life?”

“Don't forget to pack food. I'm going to make sure everyone else is getting ready.” Bellamy grumbled bitterly, ignoring the smug grin on Murphy's face as he stomped out of their tent to take a last lap around the camp.

Bellamy didn't want to run, he'd chosen not to after killing Dax. He'd already made the decision to stay and since then he'd accepted the camp as his home, not just a pit stop but a real home. One where he was happy to plan the future of it, where he could see it expanding with small huts when they had dealt with the grounders. They'd built the camp up from the ground, they'd buried their dead there and despite all the terrible things that had happened in the camp he still liked it. He wanted to stay, to not be forced out of his home again. He knew what it was like to run. He'd been doing it most of the time he'd been on the ground and he was tired of that. Perhaps standing up to fight wasn't the best idea but Bellamy was worried if they ran they'd never stop. Every time they settled somewhere they would get pushed out by a new threat, he was sure, once you've done it once it's easier to do again. To pack everything up and take off like the memories attached didn't mean anything. Like those they were leaving, dead and cold in the ground meant nothing.

Clarke came to his side, telling him without words it was time to go. He could see Murphy, waiting by the gate as the camp filed out in formation. Bellamy let out a small sigh, looking back around the abandoned camp before he put out the fire and followed Clarke from the camp. Murphy falling into step beside them.

*

Despite not wanting to leave Bellamy wasn't happy when they were forced to turn back and retreat into camp and despite what Finn may think he wasn't happy about getting the war but he believed, however naively, that they could make it through this.

For the most part they were a group without much. They were outcasts thrown away by society who found a place in the camp. People who'd been condemned to death before they'd even hit eighteen. They were people like Roma who weren't scared to stand up to whoever they had to, people like Wells who would fight for what's right, people like Mbege who would fight for who they were loyal to, like Charlotte, unafraid to play dirty and slay the demons that haunted them. They were lost souls who'd carved themselves a place in the earth and made themselves a new family after everything they'd known had been torn away from them.

Bellamy didn't want to fight, because these people, They were his now, for any of them to die would be like a small part of him dying, but he also knew that if anyone could face down an army and win, it would be them and that if the battle saved even one of them, he'd feel it was worth it.

“We only got three quarters of the mine field done before we ran out of gun powder.” Raven said with a frown. “as for bullets. Well..we're doing alright but-”

“but we haven't got enough.” Finn said stiffly.

“It only takes one bullet to kill someone. We don't need mo-”

“Maybe for you. But the rest of us aren't trained guards.” Murphy mumbled leaning against the table looking far too bored considering the meeting taking place.

“Murphy's right. Most of the gunners only hit the mark half the time. Factor in the stress they're going to be under and you're probably going to be getting two shots out of 10 actually hitting their target.” Clarke sighed.

“The grenades can blast them back if they get past the wall.” Raven said “but after that-”

“We're defenceless.” Murphy mused. “Anyone else starting to wish that we could just blast right back up into space?”

“Shut up Murphy.” Finn huffed.

“No keep talking.” Clarke said.

“I mean, that was all there was really? I guess I also wish we had some more food, I'm kinda hung-”

“Shut up Murphy.” Clarke sighed. “What if we could blast off?”

“We can't. This ships broken it won't go anywhere.” Raven said stiffly.

“We don't need it too go anywhere. Just to blast off. What if we let them get too us, or at least to the ship, turn the engines on.” Raven started nodding as Clarke spoke, walking around the ship, brain no doubt already working a mile a minute to figure out how to make it happen.

“So ring of fire, that's are plan?” Bellamy asked.

“You give me enough time, I can make it work.” Raven said confidently.

“So we hold them off until your done.” Clarke said with a small nod. “Bellamy you-” Bellamy was already marching out of the drop ship.

“I want every gunner to their post now.” Bellamy bellowed, quickly explaining the plan to the scared faces of the 100. He watched the camp reel with nervous tension, the gunners streaming away to their posts. His sister off through the tunnel ready to fight a war. It was here. There was no getting out of it. No more second chances and attempted peace treaties. They would either survive the fight or they wouldn't. He moved his eyes away from where Octavia had disappeared off to. Searching for Murphy, he spotted him almost instantly, trudging towards the quickly dwindling stack of guns. Bellamy took off towards them, trying to keep himself breathing evenly. Murphy spotted him as he made his way over, coming to a stop and letting Bellamy approach, his eyes moved away, over to the hustle and bustle of camp as people hurried to prepare for the battle. Bellamy came to a stop next to him, heart beat almost painfully hard.

“I need to talk to you.” Bellamy murmured. The words barely making it out. Shaky and scared.

“Can it wait? A wars about to start so-”

“Murphy.” Bellamy pleaded. Murphy's eyes came back to him, brow furrowing before he gave a small nod. Bellamy wanted to be relieved but it just made the snakes of anxiety curling in his stomach worse. He gripped Murphy's arm with a sweaty palm, nudging him along towards the drop ship. The clank of their feet on the metal sounded too loud.

He dropped Murphy's arm as if it burnt him the second they were inside, pacing to the other end of the room feeling far too nauseous to be normal. Bellamy swallowed thickly, looking to Murphy still stood by the door watching Bellamy curiously, hands shoved in his pockets, the fabric shifting as he clenched and unclenched his fists. Bellamy opened his mouth, a garbled noise escaping before he snapped his mouth closed making his teeth rattle. He paced again.

“I repeat. A wars about to start so maybe we should-”

“I love you.” Bellamy had to force the words out, each one knocking the breath out of him. Murphy's stopped talking instantly, his eyes widening comically, mouth falling open, gaping uselessly.

 _Say something_ Bellamy thought desperately. Murphy's mouth closed, he shifted on his feet, looking behind him as if someone was about to pop into the tent before his eyes came back to Bellamy, narrowing suspiciously, as if he were trying to solve a riddle.

The silence was overwhelming.

“You were the best part of my life on the ark. Spending time with you was the highlight of my day even if you were an annoying little shit and I hated my Mom for telling me I couldn't have that any more and myself even more for actually going through with it. I've thought I've lost you three times and every time there's been something I wanted to tell you that I didn't and I can't do that again. So I'm laying all my cards on the table-” Bellamy's heart beat a little bit faster at the twitch of Murphy's lips and soft snort of laughter he let out at the words. “and I get that we've changed since the ark, that I've changed and I'm not expecting you to say anything back but I just..I love you and if one of us doesn't make it back I needed you to know. Even if we do make it back I need you to know.” Bellamy finished with his chest heaving, cheeks burning red, a thousand words still hung on his tongue, ready to be blurted out but Murphy was walking forwards, slowly, only a few tentative steps his eyes cool eyes flickering across Bellamy's face.

“You know. That has got to be the worst inspiration speech you've ever given.” Murphy drawled, taking a step closer to Bellamy. “I mean really, everyone else gets a 'we can do this, go team!' and I get a sappy ass goodbye? You're not exactly inspiring confidence here Blake.” Another step closer. “I love you too.” Murphy said, simple, like Bellamy was overreacting by almost having a heart attack trying to say the words himself. It engulfed Bellamy, the words echoing through his head and making his heart stop because he knew that it was the truth. That it wasn't Murphy screwing with him, or not understanding the way Bellamy had meant it. He knew exactly what Bellamy was saying because somehow he felt it too and Bellamy couldn't help but feel slightly sick, he was sure he didn't deserve someone who loved him back. Definitely not Murphy after everything he'd done to him.

“Why? I hurt you.” Bellamy said croakily, eyes flickering over Murphy's face, it was sombre, almost blank as he looked back at Bellamy. He gave a short nod, stepping even closer, their chest almost touching.

“Well, it's lucky I have a very forgiving nature.” Murphy breathed. Bellamy felt a laugh ready to bubble out of him, it was quickly stopped before it could make it past the tip of his tongue by soft lips, pressing feather light against his. It was barely there, a mere brush but even that left Bellamy's heart soaring, his soul on fire as all noise drained away. He tried to follow Murphy, stopped by a hand on his chest leaving him blinking his eyes open, wondering when the hell he'd even closed them.

Murphy's cheeks were flushed, his eyes shifting from Bellamy to the wall and back to Bellamy again.

“Murphy.” Bellamy said softly, reaching for Murphy, his hand cupping the nape of Murphy's neck as he drew him back in. Slow and steady, giving him time to pull back, he didn't, cool eyes flickering over Bellamy's face nervously, as if, somehow, after all he'd said he was still going to back out now.

It was soft in the slow brush of lips as Bellamy breathed Murphy in, felt the warmth seeping from his body, the way Murphy's fingers had fisted into the sleeves of Bellamy's jacket, so tight it was like he'd never let go, the quiet of the drop ship and the hum of it being everything Bellamy had ever wanted.

It was rough in the way Bellamy could feel Murphy's lip, still split from the fight the day before, the tang of blood in his mouth as he tasted Murphy's lips, in the way his hand shook at Murphy's neck, scared he might leave. In the way outside the drop ship was loud with shouts of those getting ready of the oncoming war.

It was the sinking fear of this being the end and the thrumming energy of feeling invisible. It was the knowledge that he could die before they got to do it again and the knowledge that even if that was the case he could be happy because he had this. This moment, the brush of lips and the soft inhale from Murphy as Bellamy pulled away, fingers absent mindedly carding through the long strands of hair hanging over Murphy's neck. He nudged his forehead against Murphy's. Opening his eyes slowly, Murphy's breath danced across his lips. His eyes still closed.

“I can't loose you again.” Bellamy murmured.

“Well as long as you shoot straighter than your sexuality and we'll be good.” Murphy replied. Taking a quick step back, a smile on his face as he ducked his head and rubbed at his nose, Bellamy's own smile was so big it almost hurt his face. His heart fluttering pathetically in his chest as he looked to Murphy's flushed cheeks and sparkling eyes, full of so much warmth.

“Well. This Is all very sweet.” The two jumped as a new voice rang through the room turning wildly to spot Raven, head poking out from beneath the floor. “But there is a war going on so maybe you could keep it in your pants for another few hours?”

“Go float yourself Raven.” Murphy snorted. He turned to look back at Bellamy, expression softening almost comically. “I'll see you later.” It was a promise, like Murphy knew without a doubt there would be a later, that out of all the casualties they would no doubt take he and Murphy wouldn't be amongst them.

“May we meet again.” Bellamy replied softly. Murphy rolled his eyes and left the drop ship, feet clanging against the metal with soft thumps.

Bellamy had fought once when he had nothing to loose. He'd been ready to die and still managed to get onto the drop ship for Octavia, he'd heard that people with nothing to loose were dangerous. But now, he knew that the people with everything to loose were really the dangerous ones because Bellamy knew, there was no way the grounders would be able to stop him from fighting for this camp, for Octavia and for Murphy.

“Get back to work.” Bellamy ordered. Grabbing his gun as he stalked out of the drop ship. Ready for the fight, his eyes found Murphy ducking through one of the tunnels, felt his lips burning with the memory of the kiss and prayed to any god that may be listening that it wouldn't be the last time he saw him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :O


	27. Now and Then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end is here my friends.

 

Bellamy heaved in a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to push the pain of the stitch away with one hand, working at his ribs with a grimace. The leaves danced across the floor, lead by a chilly breeze that left Bellamy shivering, the dried blood on his face itched against his skin and the cold air felt like it froze the sweat clinging to him. He blinked his eyes open, sucking in gasping breaths ignoring the pain radiating in his face as he looked out to the forest before him.

Golden rays of dawn slipped through the branches leaving the floor dotted with sunlight looking every bit like the forest from a fairy tale. The early morning dew stuck to leaves, mist rolling across the floor in a gentle wave. Bellamy knew he didn't fit into the image, the beauty of the ground at morning. Not how he was, hunched over, panting too loud, bloody and sweating. He listened, waiting for the crunch of footsteps following him, when he heard none he let himself collapse, dropping to the damp ground next to the spear he dropped earlier.

It had been a long night, moving too fast for Bellamy to ever really feel that he knew what was happening. He tried to think back, to figure out exactly where they stood.

He hadn't seen the aftermath yet but he already knew there would be too many bodies of his people, his friends, lying around the drop ship. Knew that they would now be unrecognisable from the roar of flames he'd heard as he and Finn had sprinted away from the drop ship after Clarke had closed the doors on them.

He'd failed Octavia. He was meant to protect her, it was his job, had been since the moment she was born and yet he'd handed her off to the grounder he tortured because he wasn't able to keep her safe himself.

Miller had been hit with a spear, at the very least Bellamy knew he was safe, as he could be with a gaping wound. He was with Clarke, if anyone could keep Miller breathing it would be Clarke.

He hadn't seen Murphy since the beginning of the fight, hadn't heard him on the radio. He could only hope he'd been in the drop ship when the doors closed.

They'd won. He thought they'd won. He'd felt the heat of the flames rushing behind him, could see the smoke still billowing far in the distance from camp, knew anyone in the blast one would have been caught up in the inferno.

So why didn't it feel like a victory? Why did he wish he could curl into a ball and sleep for a year and forget everything from the moment he'd left the drop ship after his talk with Murphy? Bellamy took a shaky breath, the stitch slowly subsiding.

He didn't want to stand up, felt like he wouldn't be able to, he was exhausted. A one deep fatigued that rattled through him but he knew he had to. He had to get back to camp and find out what carnage the night had caused, find out who had survived. He needed to find out whether the grounder had got Octavia to safety. He grabbed the spear with a bloody hand, using it as a crutch to help him stand, breathing still uneven.

He waited a moment, head bowed, weight balanced precariously on the spear leaving it threatening to slip out from underneath him before he looked back to the early morning forest. He turned slowly, looking behind him to where far in the distance smoke still rose in soft clouds from the drop ship. Then to his left, where he knew, somewhere, Octavia was.

Octavia would be safe, he hoped, she trusted the grounder whole heartedly and from what small moments of their relationship Bellamy had seen he was inclined to believe that she was right to do so. That the grounder _would_ protect her no matter what. The people left at the drop ship had Clarke. For now, he needed to find Finn.

Bellamy rolled his shoulders as he stood to full height, grip white knuckled around the spear as he took off again.

*

Bellamy's heart froze when he spotted the three familiar people stumbling along after the grounder, wrists bound, bloody and exhausted. Finn he expected, he knew Finn had been outside the drop ship. That he was in danger, it was why Bellamy had been trying so hard to find him again, but Luca he hadn't expected, and Murphy he definitely hadn't expected.

The small seed of happiness at seeing him alive was being smothered by worry at the situation he and the others were in. He had to look away when the grounder slit Luca's through. Finn screaming for him not to. Bellamy wanted to help, but he couldn't. Not when the grounder was so close to Finn and Murphy with his sword drawn. He knew if he jumped out the grounder could just turn and kill them both before Bellamy had even got close enough to strike. So he waited, watching with gritted teeth as the grounder handed Finn and Murphy a drink.

When the grounder finally got back on his horse and begun riding slowly, leaving the two men stumbling after him Bellamy moved. He told the two younger delinquents the plan. He'd admit, it wasn't a very good one. He didn't think any plan where 'try not to die' was the best direction you could give someone would be a very good one. But, it was the best they had and so Bellamy ran out.

Bellamy knew it didn't have a hope in hell of working when he realised that Monroe and sterling weren't next to him.

“Bellamy get out of here!” Finn yelled. Bellamy's eyes flickered to Murphy before he and Finn were flying off there feet, drawn across the forest floor as the grounder kicked his horse and galloped towards Bellamy.

He wasn't sure what happened, just that his spear missed and that he suddenly found himself on the floor the grounder looming over him, slamming his fist hard and fast into Bellamy's face. Bellamy's head snapped back against the grounder, warm blood trickling down his face, new cuts appearing every hit. His head rung from the impact. His mouth filled with irony blood. He could hear the shuffling past his beating of someone standing up.

“Hey! Hey stop!” Murphy called. Bellamy wanted to tell him to be quiet for once in his life. To not make the situation worse by getting himself killed as well but the hits kept coming, too fast for Bellamy to talk back to. “Listen to me you need him!” Murphy screamed. “He's our leader, you want your commander to not chop your balls off your best chance is bringing him. Alive.” the punching stopped. The grounders fist instead closing in Bellamy's top, hauling him from the floor and back over to the horse. His head spinning far too much to fight and even if he did, he knew the odds. Even if, somehow, he managed to get Finn and Murphy untied it was three unarmed men against one with a sword.

“You have to stay on your feet. If you don't he'll kill you.” Finn breathed. Bellamy gave a stiff nod, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“Are you okay?” Bellamy asked. Finn gave a single nod. Murphy snorted.

“I'm great thanks. Really enjoying getting some sun.” Murphy grumbled bitterly. “You couldn't just make it into the damn drop ship could you? You had to be 'heroic'.”

“Why aren't you in the drop ship Murphy?” Bellamy asked stiffly. Murphy was meant to be safe, tucked away with the rest of the hundred. Not tied to the back of a grounders horse being lead to what would probably be their deaths.

“I couldn't make it back past the grounders.” Murphy said. “Thought the forest was more tempting than the ring of fire we had planned. Probably should have stuck with the fire. Would have been quicker than what they have planned for us.”

“Maybe the commander has more sense than the rest of them. Now they've seen what we can do maybe a peace treaty-” Finn started.

“If you mention a peace treaty one more time I'm going to hang you with this.” Murphy snapped, tugging at the rope tethering to the horse. Bellamy flinched at the sudden yells coming from behind them. He turned to watch Monroe and Sterling rush into the clearing, weapons drawn looking fearless. It was a shame, he thought, that they hadn't done that a few minutes ago, they might have stood a chance then. Before he could see them inevitably get killed the forest erupted in the sound of a gun shot.

Bellamy dove to the floor, dragging Murphy with him. They hit the mud hard, Murphy letting out a pained groan that Bellamy didn't feel guilty about in the slightest, hitting the floor was far better than being hit by a bullet.

The shooting stopped, the grounder fell, blood seeping from a perfect head shot. Bellamy looked up slowly, eyes widening when he saw Arkers coming from the trees. Marcus Kane and members of the guard. They moved silently. Kane lowered his gun slowly. Eyeing the mess of delinquents with interest while they gaped back at him.

“We're here now. Everything's going to be okay.” Kane said. Bellamy resisted the urge to roll his eyes and judging by the look Finn gave him he felt the same.

“Wow, you know, coming from the people who sent us down here to die that's real reassuring.” Murphy said.

“Shut up Murphy.” He and Finn said quickly. Kane either didn't hear or didn't particularly care. Waving a guard over to untie them. Bellamy stood slowly, Finn and Murphy helping him. His head still throbbed, his mouth tasted like iron.

“Sit down.” Bellamy looked up to see Doctor Griffin rushing towards him, worried mother face firmly in place. “I'm fine.” Bellamy grunted. “We have to get back to the drop ship.” Bellamy said. He could take a break when he knew whether those at the drop ship were safe. Until then, he had to keep moving.

*

The drop ship was empty. He and Finn sat despondent on logs, looking over the charred ground and ashy bodies in horror as Kane and his men picked through the camp as if they'd find survivors buried hidden under charcoal logs.

It didn't make sense.

They'd killed the grounders, three hundred of them at least. If there had been an army big enough to take the delinquents alive then surely they would have seen or heard them on the way back to camp. Surely there would be some fresh bodies. Ones that weren't burnt to a crisp, ones that Bellamy could still recognise.

But there weren't. The camp was empty, free of any signs of life or even recent death and Bellamy didn't understand. The grounders had to have taken his people, but he couldn't for the life of him figure out _how._

“Time to go.” Kane said. Bellamy sighed, shaking the thoughts out of his head and standing on shaky legs. His eyes found Murphy, on the other side of camp sat by Mbege's grave twirling a stick in his fingers looking painfully bored. Bellamy walked over slowly, Murphy's eyes meeting his when he was half way there. Bellamy stopped a few feet away, swaying on the balls of his feet, eyes running over Murphy to check, once again, that he was safe.

“We're leaving.” Bellamy said softly. Murphy nodded, standing up and following Bellamy back towards the others.

The walk back to the new camp was long. He knew having the guards down on the ground should make him feel safer but it didn't, he was too aware of the fact there was no gun in his hands. That the guards weren't moving in the right formations that he'd figured out worked on the ground. That they weren't looking up into the tree's for grounders.

He could hear Abby talking quietly to Finn, soft 'but you're sure she was safe when you last saw her?' questions coming out that left Bellamy rolling his eyes, it didn't matter if she was safe last time they saw her, things changed in seconds on the ground.

“You know, you really are starting to get wrinkles.” Murphy hummed from next to him. Bellamy snorted, looking over to Murphy stuck between a smile and a frown.

“I'm not.” Bellamy said.

“You will if you keep worrying.” Murphy said.

“Our people are out there someone, I can't not worry.”

“Knowing the princess they're probably all out searching for you and spacewalker. I reckon they'll notice I'm gone in a couple of days.” Bellamy raised an eyebrow, ready to argue, to tell Murphy that they were in danger and he should be making stupid jokes but Murphy got there first, nudging Bellamy gently with his shoulder. “They're with Clarke, she's not going to let anything happen to them if she can help it.” Murphy said. “Bitch is stubborn and if she can't do anything then well, Maybe Jasper can talk the grounders to death.” Bellamy did laugh at that, loud enough to draw the attention and stern glares of Kane, he quickly stifled it. Shaking his head fondly at Murphy.

“You ever get tired of talking shit about people?”

“No. Besides, you wouldn't like me if I did.” Murphy said, the man shifted, straightening his jacket before he shoved his hands into his pockets. Eyes straying away from Bellamy, up to the tree's as if he were looking out for grounders and Bellamy might have thought he were if not for the tense set to Murphy's jaw.

“You okay? Are you hurt?” Bellamy said nervously. They didn't have any willow bark to make tea but maybe Abby would have some medicine to give him once they reached the ark.

“Fine.” Murphy grumbled, looking to Bellamy before looking away again quickly. “Are we...You said you like me.” Murphy said, dropping his voice and sliding closer to Bellamy while, somehow, seeming to lean further away at the same time. “Was that because you thought we were going to die so knew you'd never have to deal with it or because you hoped we were going to live and wanted to know if there was going to be something there when we survived.”

“Did you say it back because you thought I'd die and you'd never have to deal with it?” Bellamy replied.

“No.” Murphy said instantly, sounding appalled. “I mean, if you did then, yes?” Bellamy shook his head, a smile falling onto his face as he looked at Murphy fondly, chest blooming with warmth at the beautiful idiot.

“I said I love you.” Bellamy corrected. His heart skipped a beat as he said it. Murphy's head jerked back towards him, eyes wide as if he still couldn't believe Bellamy was saying it. “And I said it because I do and either way, dead or alive, requited or not I needed you to know. You deserved to know.” Murphy nodded, opening his mouth. “And yes I still love you despite being alive to deal with the aftermath. So..do what you want with that information.” Bellamy finished lamely, cheeks flushing. Murphy smiled, ducking his head to hide it, moving to scrub his nose before his hand changed course, clapping Bellamy softly on the back.

*

When they finally marched into what would no doubt be their new home they were quickly ushered off to the medical tent. Bellamy was far too happy to finally sit down, his legs aching in a constant dull pain from overuse. He perched on the edge of the bed, rubbing his thighs, trying to work out his cramping muscles while Murphy flopped onto the bed opposite him with a relieved sigh.

Abby and Jackson got to work, cleaning out the countless wounds both boys had accumulated on the ground. Bellamy was happy to see Murphy didn't seem to have many new ones, some burns on his wrists from the rope and a few new bruises but nothing serious.

“I'm finished Murphy's check up, he's fine.” Jackson said to Abby softly.

“Jackson, could you take him to the clothes bank? John if you can find room B27. Bellamy you'll be in A14-”

“We're rooming together.” Murphy said quickly.

“We are?” Bellamy said, batting Abby's hand away from his face. Murphy nodded stiffly.

“There's enough room for you to have your own place for tonight. We'll have to pair people up eventually but-” Abby begun.

“Yeah that's great but I'd prefer to be in the same room as my boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend?”

“Problem?”

“Not at all.” Bellamy said, smiling giddily. Murphy nodded again, looking far too smug, as if he'd tricked Bellamy into something. It only made Bellamy feel warmer, more content.

“Alright, then John. Go to A14.” Abby said.

“Can I have the cards? I might get bored.”

“You mean you will get bored.” Bellamy huffed, he quickly pulled the cards from his pocket, chucking them to Murphy. With a smile. “I will see you soon, boyfriend.” Bellamy said, grinning wildly.

“God you're ridiculous.” Murphy said, his own smile in place

“Come on.” Jackson urged, shooing Murphy from the tent. Abby resumed her poking and prodding at Bellamy's face.

By the time Bellamy had been freed from medical, picked up his new clothes and got to the shower block Murphy was long gone, probably already back in their room playing solitaire.

Bellamy's shower dripped slowly behind him as he grabbed his new clothes from the ledge. He didn't bother to dry himself properly, just a quick scrub to get rid of the droplets of water and then pulled the clothes on, ignoring the way they clung to his still damp skin as he made his way out of the shower block.

No one really seemed to notice him. The majority of the new arrivals to the earth didn't know a lot about Bellamy Blake, or, anything at all really and in the same way, he barely knew them. He had grown use to knowing everyone around him. He knew there names, there stories, they weren't just delinquents but his people. These people, they were strangers compared to those from the drop ship and it was strangely unnerving leaving him all too ready to be back at Murphy's side.

Bellamy felt too clean. The clothes he wore, despite being old weren't dirty, they had no smudges of dirt on them, no smears of blood or rips caused by them being hooked by a thorn. They were untouched by the ground and it felt...strange to be wearing them. He'd gotten use to his stolen guard jacket, to the same slowly ripping trousers that no matter how many times he'd scrub them in a lake never seemed to run clear in the water. These, they smelt artificially fresh. Chemical scents wafting from them.

He held his dirty clothes in one hand, a thick ball of clothes that he knew smelt but didn't want to part with. He didn't doubt his new clothes would be getting ruined by the ground pretty long and the clothes he had been wearing seemed to be hardy enough to handle the ground. The new top he was wearing would probably rip the second he stepped out the gate.

Bellamy found the room they'd been assigned to without too much trouble. He paused for a moment before opening it, shifting on his feet trying to figure out what he should say when he entered. They'd kissed. They'd said I love you, they were boyfriends. All things that made a wide smile lift onto Bellamy's face, so big that it threatened to reopen the cuts on his face. He sucked his lip into his mouth, biting onto it to force himself back into a neutral expression. If they were going to talk he'd rather not doing it like he'd been possessed by someone who'd died with a coat hanger in their mouth.

He shook himself gently before he pushed the door open.

All thoughts of a conversation vanished from his mind the moment he spotted Murphy. His heart stuttering in his chest. The air rushed from his lungs leaving him gaping uselessly. He thought, for a moment, that perhaps he was dreaming, or dead, that he'd stepped through a door and into the past.

But then Murphy turned to face him and Bellamy could see the scabs on his face, the way the puppy fat was no longer hanging on his cheeks leaving him with sharp angles that made Bellamy's heart beat faster. He wasn't John, not any more, he was Murphy and Bellamy loved that, but they would both still always have those memories. Of John and trainee guard Blake. Maybe they'd grown, changed, but he couldn't have had what he had Now without what happened then.

He could tell Murphy was trying to act casual, but the way his eyes swept across Bellamy's face told him differently. Bellamy took a stumbling step into the room, the door closed with a click behind him. His eyes trailing over the red hoodie that he would recognise anywhere. Holes were still dotted across the elbows, patches of material almost see through they were so threadbare from years of wearing. It still fit, Murphy's lithe frame helping that, still looked the same as the day it had been taken from him.

“What..where did you get that?” Bellamy murmured, swallowing the lump in his throat. Murphy's eyebrow raised slowly, his face morphing into one of exaggerated confusion.

“What? Ohh, you mean this?” Slim fingers picked at the front of the hoodie. “Found it in a box same way you found those clothes.” Murphy said. “Don't know whether I like it. Might have to find something else.” He gave a non committal shrug.

“Don't.” Bellamy pleaded, he knew he was joking but still, he had to say it, have to let Murphy know that he didn't want that hoodie going everywhere. Murphy's lips twitched in a smile as he turned back towards the table, fingers scooping up the pack of cards. They were crinkled, some numbers faded, other cards were ripped at the corners with blood and mud flecked across them, one still held black dots of soot burnt into it from it's brief relationship with fire. Murphy looked back to him, cool eyes catching Bellamy's, lips twisting up in a smirk.

Tap, Tap. He tapped the cards against the metal.

“You want to play?” Murphy asked. Bellamy's dirty clothes hit the floor with a thump as he crossed the room in two steps. Still, Murphy managed to turn and face him before he was there. Bellamy's hand fisted in the red material, yanking Murphy closer, he paused when they were a hairs breadth apart. Murphy's steely eyes seemingly boring into soul. He would look calm, if not for the way is eyes skittered across Bellamy's face, the way his breath ghosted across Bellamy's lips in a too fast rhythm. “I heard 52 card pick ups a great game.” Murphy murmured, swallowing thickly as his eyes found Bellamy's lips.

“Shut up Murphy.” Bellamy closed the distance, lips crashing against Murphy's. It was once again far from perfect, Bellamy was bone tired, he was still uncomfortably damp from his shower and he knew that his lip had started bleeding again from the taste of iron. He knew that he must be hurting Murphy with how tightly his hand was gripped around the boys waste pulling him closer as their lips worked in tandem leaving both of them breathless.

Bellamy pulled back suddenly as he heard the all too familiar sound of cards fluttering to the floor. He licked his lips slowly, looking down where the cards had fallen, nudged by Murphy's hand on the table.

“You have to pick those up, you touched them last.” Bellamy murmured.

“Shut up Bellamy.” Murphy mimicked. Tugging Bellamy back in and capturing his lips. Bellamy let Murphy take control of the kiss, shivering as Murphy's fingers carded through his hair, tugging occasionally to pull him closer. Bellamy's fingers worked in slow circles across the worn red fabric. His chest practically bursting with happiness. He knew that the battle was far from over, that they still had so much to do before they'd be safe but, for now, he had Murphy and that was more than enough.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so so so much for reading. I really had a blast writing this and to every single person who commented I hope you know you made my day and that i appreciate each and every comments.
> 
> I need to give a MASSIVE shoutout to Axradae for not only giving me the prompt that this story came from but for also helping me out a helllllllllll of a lot with this. She's been an absolute star and dealt with me talking crap to her about this constantly so thank you darling <3 you're amazing, i really hope that this fic lived up to what you hoped it would be when you gave me the prompt.
> 
> Once again. Thank you so so so sosososossosososoo much for reading. This fic was honestly amazing to write and knowing that you guys were reading it and looking forward to new chapters was just really freaking awesome. I hope you all have an awesome day.  
> Goodbye for now lovelies. xxx
> 
> (I may add an epilogue onto this so look out for that)


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